How can I [21f] avoid the drama of telling my family I won't be spending Christmas with them this year?

I'll start this off by saying that I've spent Christmas with my mums side of the family every year since I was born. My grandparents host Christmas and used to cook but the last few years myself and my uncle cook Christmas Dinner. I have never spent Christmas with my dads side because they divorced when I was really young and he only had custody every other weekend so instead of Christmas I would spend new year with him. I'm not religious in the slightest, my grandparents are though but thats not important. I have a good relationship with my grandparents and they're very nice people.

I moved out when I was 18 for university and my mum thinks I hate her because I moved out and she constantly tells me she thinks I hate her and other hurtful things. I was her full time carer until I moved out due to her disabilities but her partner became her carer when I left.

Anyway, now I live with my partner and my family loves him and how he treats me. I've been in a couple of relationships in the past where they've completely isolated me from my friends, reduced my contact with family, been really controlling and seriously affected my mental health but now I'm in a really good place, in a really healthy relationship with someone my friends and family really like, and I'm doing really well.

Recently I've posted about some issues I've had with my mum. These issues have been going on for years. Literally as long as I can remember. Having to walk on eggshells around her, her accusing me of "being someone I'm not" etc. It has become very very hurtful and every time it happens, I fall back into a spiral and have to work to get myself out of it. A quick example of the extent of this is this:

For my 16th birthday I was going bowling with a few friends and my ex. My ex's mum was driving us and told us to be at her house between 2 and 3pm to give everyone enough time to get there and we would leave at 3pm for bowling. My mum said I must be lying because that is "too large of a time window" and I am lying about where I'm going and she doesn't understand why I wasn't telling her the truth and didn't believe me when I told her I was telling the truth and it ended up in a screaming row.

The posts I've made recently are of behaviours thay have happened in the last couple of months. Now I've decided to go low contact with her for the sake of my mental health.

Here's the issue now. I hate Christmas. Have always hated it. Thats an unusual thing right? Well every year without fail there is some drama with her where she tells me that I have ruined Christmas for everyone. I end up feeling guilty and have a depressive episode. Here are just a few of the reasons why I "ruined Christmas for everyone":

• I had to leave at a certain time on boxing day because I had work the next day and when I went to leave she made a fuss because I should stay "just a few more hours" but it was already around 6pm which was later than I had planned on staying. I told them I needed to leave at a specific time 2 months in advance.

• it was "a chore to accommodate me" and I "put everyone out of their way" because I was vegetarian. Again, my grandparents host, I cook Christmas Dinner for everyone with my uncle, making both meat and veggie dishes, and I stayed at my grandparents house. My mum came to their house and ate the food and left. My grandparents even said they had no idea what she was talking about since I cooked, set the table, did everything like that and got annoyed at her but she remained annoyed at me and refused to talk to me until a week after new years.

There are many more examples and they're all just small, petty things. My dad keeps asking me to go to his for Christmas since he knows how bad Christmas is with my mum for me but I always feel guilty for even thinking about not going because I've always gone there for Christmas. I don't know why.

Since I live with my partner now, his family have asked me to come to Christmas at their house because they alternate with years (one year at their house, the next we'd go to my family's etc) and this year is Christmas at their house. I've never gone for Christmas before but his family are so lovely and amazing and they really make me feel so welcome and involved whenever I see them so I said I'm happy to go. I'm just scared, based on my family's track record, that when I tell them, there will be a massive argument, guilt tripping, manipulation, name calling and other hurtful things and I honestly feel so scared to tell them. I don't know how to tell them without them causing a massive amount of drama and chaos.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

Tl;dr: My manipulative mum who im already low contact with will likely blow up when I tell her I'm going to my partner's house this year for Christmas instead of my grandparents house and don't know how to tell her without there being an argument

Submitted September 26, 2021 at 04:55AM by World_of_Darkness_ https://ift.tt/3o4G55M