I (26F) haven't told my dad (56M) that I love him in years

So this is something that's been on my mind on and off for a long time.

For context, my parents got divorced when I was 8 after my dad cheated on my mom, and after she gave him another chance still kept in contact with the other woman, so they split. It was not a pretty divorce, and over the years my dad was not generous with his money, kept the former mistress around for years despite her being openly unstable (she's now in jail for attempting to stab her ex girlfriend, last we've heard) and let his current partner be mean spirited towards us, though mainly my younger sister since I tend to take less shit. He was emotionally neglectful, broke nearly every promise he'd made us, took my mom to court over things he should have been paying for and moved further and further away from us. Whatever was left from out relationship just died a sad death when I was around 14, when I officially stopped going to his place. I think he thought I saw him as an ATM, because I rarely asked him for emotional support since he wasn't very present and didn't make me feel like he'd be there for me - so asking for monetary things when my mom couldn't afford it was the only help I could imagine asking him for. Now, my mom was not a saint, and I wish I hadn't known as much as I had about how shitty he was. But I can't change that now. For most of my life since, I tried to figure out how I felt about him beyond the anger. Is it even love? Had he earned my love at all?

There were three turning points I can point to in our relationship after that.

1. When I started working for him at 19, a few months of which were spent in the office in person. I still work for him remotely for extra cash, though it's not my main job and I do intend to quit as soon as that's financially viable.
   
2. When my mom nearly found herself - with my two sister in tow - homeless (drowning in debt), and my brother angrily demanded my dad give him money without asking invasive questions, which was then given to my mom (he knew). My siblings basically took on breaking the vow of silence\privacy and told my dad just how much of a shitstorm his past behavior had caused even years down the line, and how hard things have been for us kids shouldering the burden of my mom's crumbling life while he just enjoyed his. I live abroad, so I wasn't there. I'm the eldest so I was usually the one taking on the brunt of the conflict between my parents, so it was refreshing not to have to do that. My dad actually took responsibility and slowly made an effort to keep his smaller promises and talk to all of us more often and more openly. To his credit, he rarely spoke ill of my mom both then and now.
   
3. My breakup. I broke up with my ex nine months ago, while living abroad, when lockdowns were still very strict, after not having seen my family in over a year. As I was settling into my new life in the chaos of finding a new place and getting my shit together, my dad actually really started calling me. Asking me about my life, checking on me, offering to help with things. Ever since, we've been talking on the phone multiple times a week, also texting pretty often.

Is it perfect? No. We still don't REALLY talk about the past, though it has come up before here and there. But it's the best this relationship has been since I was a young kid. He's actually being emotionally supportive, keeping promises and showing affection. He knows about my friends, my hobbies and my dreams. That's VERY new. I actually feel like I have a dad. I even have a slightly better relationship with his partner and her kids, though I do still dislike them.

Here's the kicker. Throughout all this, my dad has been saying he loves me, sending heart emojis and the likes. I can't do it. The most I can muster is a kiss-face emoji sometimes, but I usually find a way around saying it without making it obvious or awkward. What I'm trying to understand is... Is that okay? Is there a point where this is more about me being emotionally stuck in the past? Or is there just so much healing to do that it makes sense I would withhold that type of affection?

tldr: Despite a much better relationship with my dad for the first time in over a decade, I can't bring myself to tell him I love him while he says it to me.

Submitted September 28, 2021 at 12:23PM by MovingOn1994 https://ift.tt/3AY6iXe