My wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 9. We have three children aged 10 and under. We met online 18 years ago and we lived 3 hours apart. She is from a small rural town, and I am from a large city - where we currently reside. Even though always telling me she would never move to the city, she moved here pretty quickly after meeting me, and while I expressed a desire to just be friends, she moved anyway (which she now claims was because her sister was living in the city while studying and she wanted her to have some family nearby. The sister moved back home after finishing study.) My wife lived in the city for 3 years before I found I was ready to start a romantic relationship with her. It wasn't long after we got together that she started talking about us moving to her hometown. At some point I asked her to make a decision about what she really wanted - a life here with me, or to return home without me. She chose me. Now it's worth mentioning here that I owned a thriving, growing business in the city, with offices and employees etc. It wasn't simply a case of "look for a new job."
Once our first child arrived (we weren't yet married) she started making noises again about moving home, and this has continued for the last ten years, much to my distress. I have never left the city so the idea of moving to a small town is terrifying for me (I'm really not good with big life changes and suffer anxiety.) Now, every time we go to visit her family (which is 3-4 times a year, for 5-7 days at a time) I feel a great reluctance in her about having to return home. And often, it turns into an argument with me saying "why don't you just stay here then?"
I sold my business 7 years ago and we are now very stable financially. I no longer have a full-time occupation, but I manage my investments and do some other projects. My wife has not worked for 10 years (which is what she wants).
We talked about buying a holiday home there, but I got her to admit that her hope was simply that I'd eventually decide it's a great place to live and we'd move there permanently. Her immediate family and extended family mostly live there. In the city I only have my parents, and they only have me.
I recently found her looking at houses online and I told her "Living there is not what I want. I love you and I want you here, with me." I felt like I'd made how I felt explicitly clear and things were improving. She started doing some classes in the community and she told me she was feeling really good.
I've worked hard to create a great life for us. We have a lovely home in a great semi-rural suburb, she is free to visit home whenever she likes for however long she likes, and she never ever has to worry about money. She told me this weekend "I don't want the life we have here."
Here's the main points that concern me: - She's never been fully invested here, and hasn't really tried, with a mindset of "I don't want to be here, so why try?" (I'm talking about getting involved in the community) - She said that if I agreed to try living there, and didn't like it, she wouldn't return to the city with me - We pledged our loyalty to each other when we married, but she is making her family/hometown a priority over me and our children - Our oldest child (who is old enough to understand the options) says he doesn't want to move there - I feel like our lives will revolve around her family, and specifically her sister, whose life she seems to be extremely envious of - I'd be leaving behind my family and friends and the networks I've created here - particularly the voluntary work I do in our community, and the friends I've made through it - Her rejection of the life we have here feels like a rejection of me, and who's to say that everything will be roses if we move there? - Living there doesn't seem to be about our life together, but simply about her being close to her family - I wonder if our children will have the same opportunities in a small town, as they get older - She said if we didn't have children, she probably would have gone back a long time ago
Here's some other stuff because I know these will get asked: - She has agreed to couple's therapy to try to work out what to do - I already see a therapist by myself about my anxiety and attachment issues - There's only one city between our hometowns, which is much smaller than where we live
I'm posting this because I feel like our marriage is at breaking point. I feel like she is starting to check out as she's no longer showing me any love, warmth, or affection. The idea of not living fulltime with my children is devastating. I also love my wife dearly and just wish that we could live where we are without her having one foot out the door all the time.
TL;DR My wife of 9 years, with 3 children under 10, wants to move us from the city suburbs to her small country hometown 3 hours away. I don't want to move as I love our life here and feel like she's prioritising her family over me, and our kids' future.
Submitted April 07, 2021 at 03:27PM by decaynus https://ift.tt/3cZsmaA
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