Hi there,
Title says it all. Last night, my husband went limp during sex. Our sex life has been on the decline for the last couple years... not completely, but he's had trouble staying hard, and has often avoided initiating. Last fall, we finally broke ground when he told me he has a porn addiction, which I knew about to some extent but not how bad it was. Since then we've been dealing with it through anti-porn literature, counselling, abstinence, porn blockers, communication etc and it's seemed to help. I know it's an addiction though and the issues will never disappear entirely.
What doesn't help is the fact that either my husband is shallow, or I'm just plain gross.
A little background info: I don't think I'm unattractive. Men look at me and flirt with me a lot. I exercise to stay in shape, take care of myself, and I've never had trouble landing a boyfriend. And I don't say ANY of that to pump my tires, just to give some context. When my husband and I started dating, he was definitely a f*ck boy and hooking up with lots of beautiful women, and I was actually surprised he was into me as I'm kind of a dork. But he always told me I wasn't just beautiful, but I was also brilliant, and that combination was irresistible to him. However there was a moment a few months into our relationship where he was freaked out hearing me pee... which seemed weird cause we're both grown ups, plus I have kids from a previous marriage so I've seen it all. I do believe in privacy however, and I've never done anything in front of him besides pee, because from that moment on I was aware that he's oddly squeamish.
Anyway to stay on track: about 2.5 years ago in the winter time, we had a huge fight because I hadn't shaved my legs in awhile. I have really sensitive skin and eczema, and when I shave a lot in the winter I get horrible irritation and rashes (and yes I've tried multiple methods to fix it). I'm pretty busy between being a mom and working, so during winter i often let my leg hair grow a little bit because the extra time in the shower + the pain and discomfort isn't worth it to me. But he finally snapped in an argument and said that he wasn't attracted to "hairy legs" at all. The argument got pretty bad, with him saying "all I see when I look at you are hairy legs, hairy legs, hairy legs." I should also mention that I've had an eating disorder, so this "your body is a turn off" comment was really hurtful. We talked about it a lotttttt and in counselling, and he definitely understood how messed up it was to say. So we got past it, but it was just another indication that my husband has standards for female bodies that he doesn't have for himself and that he struggles to get around especially when sex is involved.
Fast forward to last night, he went limp mid thrust. And I brought up again feeling like he wasn't attracted to me. He insisted that he is, but after some prodding he finally said as gently as he could that my vagina doesn't smell good - that it's worse at certain times of the month, but that it's never been great, and this is why he's never gone down on me in our marriage. I could tell he felt awful telling me, and he said it was his problem not mine because they're his standards, and that he has a sensitive nose. He insisted he's still attracted to me, that it isn't worth splitting up over, that he loves me and his porn addiction also plays a role.
But I have to ask... at what point do I get to feel safe just being myself? I have gyno visits and I know I'm healthy there - I've never even had a yeast infection. But I've felt insecure about my body in one way or another for most of my life, and my goal now is just to be comfortable being myself, to accept that sometimes my legs are hairy and that's natural and okay. As I already mentioned, I struggle with an eating disorder. Learning to accept myself is important. This sense that I have to be this waxed and scented porn star for my husband to want to have sex with me is so damaging. Especially cause there's no end to it...I'll have dyed hair with a Brazilian wax and scented vag wipes in every pocket and I'm sure he will still go limp or tell me there's some other physical imperfection. Not saying he's asked for those things, just that he seems picky. And I know his porn addiction plays a role in his expectations and his limpness/boredom/lack of stimulating variety/whatever. I know it's not ALL because I'm gross. In that way I guess this is less about sex and more about acceptance and physical attraction. He insists he's physically attracted to me and says he wouldn't have married me if he wasn't. And he also insists his porn addiction has impacted all of his sexual relationships and would impact his future ones if we split, so it's not about me. But at the same time... it is about me! I'm the one with the occasionally unshaven legs and gross-smelling vagina who he's stuck in a marriage with.
When do I get to exist as I am and be loved and desired that way... is that a delusion? He wants closeness with me and intimacy, and says so all the time, but he also apparently needs me to hide my true self. And as I get older, if we had a baby together, or i got injured or sick or went through menopause, how would he handle those changes? Life gets messy, especially with age. Ya he'd love me, but be attracted to me? Probably not. And that's not the future I want for myself.
I just feel sick, and I'm honestly thinking about divorce which i know is ridiculous and immature but I feel like my only other option is to stop having any sex or intimacy with him at all. I know some will say "counselling is an option" but counselling isn't going to make him not repulsed by my natural form. And it isn't going to take that knowledge out of my brain.
TL;DR: husband said my unshaven legs and natural vag scent are a turnoff to him. He also has a porn addiction that we are treating. I'm weighing divorce or abstinence because his rejection of my natural body through the years is crushing my self-esteem and I know getting older won't make it better.
Submitted April 27, 2021 at 12:54AM by sadsadaf https://ift.tt/3veB1Mu
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