My [22F] boyfriend [21M] never initiates contact after an argument, and I'm tired of being the savior

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He's literally the perfect partner when things are going well, and most of the time I have absolutely no complaints. He just has a problem with stress and sometimes he snaps on whoever is around him (very rarely, but it's still a reoccurring issue). Yesterday, he was stressed over an errand that he put to the last minute and I went out with him because I was trying to help him get it done in time. He got too heated and he snapped at me. It wasn't a crazy tangent or anything but he basically yelled at me for a couple seconds and then immediately realized what he had done. It was pretty bad and I actually got emotional for a second, because it always shocks me when he loses his cool.

Anyways, I told him to take me home and that I wasn't going to help if he was going to yell at me. He apologized pretty disingenuously ("My intention was not for you to get upset") and then as I got out of the car he said what he always says: "Message me when you are ready to talk to me again."

This made me realize that he has a habit of always skirting the issue by telling me to message HIM when I'm ready to stop fighting. This usually absolves him of accountability because he doesn't have to step up to the plate, doesn't have to initiate contact, and doesn't have to truly admit wrongdoing. It's always on me to message him first, and I find it emotionally exhausting because he doesn't do much to help the recovery process or offer me anything genuine.

I'll also add it's a completely one-sided expectation because when I mess up he waits for me to message him and take accountability - yet when he messes up, it's up to me to let him know when "I don't need space anymore." I initiated contact tonight and it went terribly. He clearly was not ready to take responsibility, and he basically told me that it's my problem I got upset when he lashed out at me.

It ended on a good note, but I find whenever we have an argument I have to fight with him for an hour before he sees his own wrongdoing. I think he grew up in a household where his parents pretended to be perfect, and always kept their arguments very secret. He doesn't even seem to understand why couples argue, and he thinks it is so unhealthy and unfair when we have to have difficult conversations about anything.

Anyways, he tried to convince me that if I'm the one who needs space then he shouldn't have to reconcile with me because it's my job to decide when I'm ready. I feel like I have become the savior in our relationship, and if it weren't for me taking accountability for HIS mistakes we wouldn't even be here today.

I try to be the bigger person and not fixate too much on "who messages who first," but I find it to be very unproductive when I initiate contact because he's usually not ready to take responsibility and the conversation goes very badly. I'm at a loss because he is such a good guy most of the time, but it's like Jekyll and Hyde when things get hard. I don't even recognize him during our arguments. I feel so abandoned and exhausted over these trivial fights that I think they might lead to a breakup.

I would appreciate any insight, or outsider's perspective on the matter. Thanks so much.

---

tl;dr: My boyfriend thinks it isn't his responsibility to message me first after he causes an argument, and he says that it's my problem for getting hurt over it. When I do message him first, he usually isn't ready to take accountability and the conversation blows up in my face. I don't know who's right or wrong anymore.

Submitted April 26, 2021 at 07:56PM by tropicalsadness https://ift.tt/2PqA1pb