My girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now. In the few years before we started dating, I was finishing up college and entering my career. During these years, I experimented with coke and it had gotten to the point where I was doing it every other weekend for an entire semester. Once college was over, this turned to once every 5ish months and flash forward to the present - I'm really feeling that 'improve yourself' energy and honestly think it was a fun and done type of drug, not worth my money or health anymore.
Now onto my relationship. When my GF and I started dating, she went out to bars a lot and we had lots of fun doing that together. She never really got that college experience, and had broken up with a shitty and controlling (in her words) boyfriend she'd been with for over half a decade, so who could blame her! We found ourselves enjoying coke together every so often (once a month-ish?) when going out with friends and partying. She had a bit less experience with it than myself, but we were both fairly in tune with the costs vs. benefits of the drug. Outside of the partying, we knew how to have a relaxing weekend in and spend quality time together. It seems like we share the same mix of intro/extroversion in our personalities.
Now flash forward to this past year. She works at her main job and also works at a small bar/restaurant a few nights a week for the extra money. I've found over the past year, that 9/10 times we are going out to do something fun (a date involving games, drinking with friends, etc.) she asks if she should bring coke. Since I'm not into it as much anymore, my response usually goes like "I guess so, I mean it's just a small date to do *blank* I don't think it's necessary, maybe you should wait for a larger occasion like *blank*". It got to the point where I sat down with her and had a serious conversation, expressing that I know coke is fun once in a while but I don't want to be with someone who needs it to have fun. She exclaimed that I need to trust her, that it's only an occasional thing, and since then I've really been trying to. I told her I don't want to control her, but it would ease my nerves if she at least let me know whenever she did it. She half-agreed, said that that's somewhat of a controlling thing to ask in nature, but that she'll try to do that. It's the being straightforward aspect that's most important to me, as I share almost everything with her and confide in her, and to hide something like drug use would make me too anxious for it to be worth it.
Since then, she now has a lot more in her possession than she used to (in a shared area in our apartment) because some of her friends quit and gave her their stash for free, and as of late when she gets home from shifts at the restaurant I have this gut feeling that she did at least a tiny bit at some point. I try not to ask every time she gets home because if she hadn't done any that night I'd be throwing signals of distrust at her that are truly just anxiety based. Then there was a time recently that I'd asked if she'd done any before her shift earlier that week and she said no. I later came across her doing a small amount on our home security camera which made me feel all types of anxious (I've had bad past relationships involving emotional abuse and lying). Her response to this was "Oh, you know what, I actually did do some before my shift I honestly just didn't remember. I'm sorry honey". Since then I've felt really unsure about a lot of things, and the person I'm dating, but it's hard to tell if the suspicion should be taken at face value or if my tendency of trust issues is driving my anxiety.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to tell my girlfriend not to do drugs often, I want to be with someone who just knows it's stupid to do it often (like myself). Don't get me wrong, I'm still open to doing coke verrry infrequently but only for really big occasions, otherwise none at all, but it seems like she's now using it before going to the restaurant just to help on her shifts (even on Monday nights) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable and worried that it could turn into a problem, or already has.
Now that the rant is over - How should I approach this situation? I've already had a conversation with her about it, but it was that one lying incident that refueled my anxiety. Also, does anyone has some similar advice they'd like to share? I have to mention that she is a highly functioning person, has been saving up money like crazy for our future vacations, and works two jobs plus goes to school. I'm impressed by how hard she works, but sometimes I worry that there are more days she uses coke to get through the hard work than she actually admits to.
TL;DR Girlfriend and I both like to do coke at big parties, she's giving off signs that she now does it as often as once to twice a week, I want her to be open about it to me but I have a bad gut feeling that she uses it more than I actually know of.
Submitted April 26, 2021 at 06:31PM by throwaway19485021 https://ift.tt/32OshAD
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