I am starting to finally get the truth that my husband is not the man I thought he was and I feel sick. In desperate need of support. (30f/32m)

My husband of 2 years.

The thing is, I knew. Deep down in my gut so many things about his stories didn’t add up. It’s been years of just torture and upset. And he finally admitted the truth. Well some of it. I guess now I have a baby he thinks I’m trapped.

He gaslit me into the next century. Telling me I was crazy, insecure for thinking something was wrong while he deleted messages and timings didn’t add up. My subconscious was processing everything hard. When I felt things weren’t adding up about an ex he met up with, he screamed at me about how I was crazy. I’d previously been cheated on and abused and told myself, maybe I’m just paranoid.

Meanwhile, he’s been hitting up every woman that ever slept with him for sex. For years. During our relationship. And marriage. Even while I was heavily pregnant. Even while begging me every single day to be his girlfriend.

He’s a complete and utter sleazebag. And he’ll never ever see it. In fact he has already blamed his cheating on me and claimed I’ll never have the balls to leave him just because I have questions.

I feel sick. There’s a deep anxiety in the pit of my stomach. My minds running 100 miles per hour putting everything together. The deleted messages, the texts, the lies for years, the gaslighting, the denial, the omission and trickle truthing and covert lying. The anger and blowouts and rage whenever he got caught.

The worst thing is he has tried to blame his cheating on me going on a night out before we were together, years ago (“you obviously had a threesome just because you went out with a guy mate” - nope, but he’ll never believe me) and feels he hasn’t done anything wrong. He has abused me and called me degrading and disgusting names for having a past before him, while purposely keeping his entire past around for sex. He has told me I’m not innocent like anything I’ve ever done compares to him lying and cheating in this relationship.

I adore my newborn baby but damn if I aren’t terrified of bringing her up alone. Damn if I feel like a terrible person for crying through my pregnancy, for crying when feeding, for exposing her to all this stress and toxicity. I’m mourning the life I lost. Regretting not listening to my gut sooner. Mourning the father she has lost if I even have the strength to truly leave him.

ETA - I’ve moved out and moved in with my extremely supportive parents who have been amazing. But I still don’t know if I have the strength not to go back to him. And I have so many questions. I just want him to see what he’s done to me although he never will.

I don’t know how to take this.

tldr Husband is a cheating sleazebag who has gaslit me into 2030 about his shady behaviours. I’m left here with a newborn baby, wishing I’d never forced myself to stay with him and struggling to cope.

Submitted February 18, 2021 at 11:58PM by throwawaysbdjdn https://ift.tt/37rgk6E