I’ve been with my partner for about 5 years, and we recently talked about and agreed that he has low emotional intelligence - both when it comes to recognizing and dealing with his own emotions, and reading others’ nonverbal cues. That’s not to say that he doesn’t feel emotions; I definitely notice shifts in his demeanor when he’s in a bad mood or something’s bothering him, but he never vocalizes it. This means I usually end up subconsciously intuiting how he’s feeling and trying to soothe him, but that’s not reciprocated.
We’re both pretty conflict avoidant, so I suggested setting aside scheduled time for us to check in about our relationship, bring up anything that’s bothering us, etc., but since we’ve started doing that I’ve been the one doing like 90% of the talking while he listens politely. There are things I’ve been waiting months for him to bring up, like the fact that we have sex very infrequently (maybe once a month), but he never says anything. I’ve basically realized that if I don’t initiate potentially difficult conversations, we’ll never address them, which means I also end up being the one responsible for thinking of compromises and solutions. It feels like I’m making myself vulnerable and putting a lot of effort into improving our relationship, but I’m not getting that in return.
Recently this is becoming more and more of an issue since I’m dealing with a pretty big resurgence of depression and anxiety. Some days I’m just so overwhelmed by being “in charge” of our relationship that I shut down. Like today, I was about to start cooking a meal for us and in the middle of prepping ingredients I just thought, “I can’t put energy into this right now.” I stopped what I was doing and told him I was having a really bad mental health day and that I wanted to eat but couldn’t think about all the decisions that go into cooking. I sat down and he sat next to me, watching me and kind of petting my shoulder - physical contact and feeling observed when I’m upset both make me really uncomfortable, which I’ve told him - and I let him know that I’d rather be alone. He went into another room for a bit, then came back in and made himself some food, ate it, and went back into the other room.
I know this sounds really petty, but it upset me so much that when I verbalized I was having trouble putting the mental energy into cooking, he didn’t offer to help and that when he made himself food, he didn’t check in to see if I wanted any. I know that my messages to him were probably unclear, but I feel so exhausted that I have to articulate my needs perfectly if I want them met, while also anticipating what his needs are without him articulating them at all.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been encouraging him to go to therapy so he can recognize his own feelings better, but that is such a long process and at the end of the day I can’t do that work for him. I’m aware of the concept of the mental load in relationships and so is he, but I’m at a loss for ways to actually get this to change so the load isn’t entirely on me. I’m also not sure if my mental illness is clouding my judgment and making me react in irrational or overblown ways.
tl;dr I’m feeling burnt out from being “in charge” of the emotional aspects of my relationship with my partner, who has low emotional intelligence, especially now that I’m in the middle of a depressive episode and need support.
Submitted January 24, 2021 at 02:15PM by corporealfleshvessel https://ift.tt/2Y8IWMD
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