I (30F) broke up with boyfriend (38M) of 1 year, after abusive behaviors + depleting my savings - he won't accept, asking for second chances -- a cohabitation breakup during a pandemic!

I (30sF) have been with my boyfriend (late 30s M) for about a year now. The short of it is that he has can quite callous, if not verbally abusive to me at times, for spending time with my friends (virtual settings or otherwise) and for asking for more equal give/take in the relationship (I have spent over $5000 towards his bills, a car, etc), and he has not been able to make even half a rent payment during the time he has been here. I've paid all rent and groceries. But we are co-signers on the lease. For a few periods of time here and there, he has helped with cleaning around the house or walking the dog, but a lot of that dropped off over time, to well, mostly nothing except some complains that he feels like I am keeping him around for housework.

I have felt bad for some time about trying to kick him out during a pandemic but no longer feel safe or comfortable in the relationship continuing. Last week I tried to break up with him again, in which I said I wanted him to move out, we are broken up, and the conversation was over. He said he just wanted to ask one thing, and I regret that entirely as that led to him non-stop talking to me about how it has been an issue of bad communications on both parts, etc., and how his verbally harsh lashing outs have been due to tremendous fear and anxiety due to the pandemic, fear of his parents dying etc. How if I kicked him out now, it would basically be a death sentence for his mom (since that is who he planned on moving in with -- and when he has worked on occasion -- he has worked with the public).

I have reiterated it again and again and he said it's not fair to him or our friendship to just ask him to move out. He has an online course (free, nothing he's paid for) starting in January and has now just secured a work from home job that is guaranteed to give him a more stable/consistent income (as long as he shows up for work -- with his outside of home job, he worked maybe 4 days last month, some of it being his own choice...). "Things are getting better now and will keep getting better, why not give me 3 more months?" If I kick him out now, he won't have a sufficient enough computer to do either the online coursework or the work from home job. When I first sat him down last week to break up, he told me he only had $3 in his bank account, and how I must really want to punish him by asking him to move out now.

Of course after 3 days in a row of hours long of him trying to convince me to 'stay' (metaphorically) and how 'look how we can really have honest conversation with each other' + apologies and promises to change etc, of course I buckled and felt like I needed to let him have a bit more time to get his life together. But it's been a year. He HAS indeed started making changes (getting more apparently organized, going to work and staying for his full shift, getting on a better sleep schedule, and finally seeking to get a WFH job after quitting working in March). However, I don't feel that the present change in attitude and behaviors warrants me to continue staying in this relationship -- he says that I am just denying his changes and "wanting to hold on to hurt" so that I don't backdown in my resolve to "run away" from facing my own problems.

How do I get him to accept the break up, and leave, without me continually being faced by a long stream of words meant to convince me to stay, telling me (literally and implicitly) that I am making a big mistake and will never learn how to deal with my relationship issues if I just stay, etc? I know that this relationship has been unhealthy and I don't know how to stop feeling guilted/shamed into letting him stay here. Is it wrong/cruel of me to ask for more equal contributions, or expect not to be mistreated emotionally, during a time of reality/stress created by the pandemic?

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I provide full context in the indented paragraphs below for our 'backstory' but in summary: there's been red flags always there, they got ignored and swept up under some hope for a passionate relationship after enduring a lot of hardship in a marriage and in a job.

• For full context, we dated more than 10 years ago for a brief stint, but broke up due to finances and cruel/manipulative behavior on his part (e.g. saying I was heartless for saying I would not date him if he became homeless etc. -- I was 18 and in university at the time). I moved on, cut contact out, but eventually we became long distant friends with minimal to no contact. (I know, a mistake)
• Fast forward in my life -- I went, got married, got divorced, and while going through the divorce process, he was there during my state of vulnerability. We moved too quickly -- red flags were still there, as in the >10 years apart, he was again living on a friend's couch, etc. He painted a pretty picture of a passionate relationship with true empathy etc and care and wanting to build things together. My ex had been very emotionally cold and un-romantic, and I got sucked in. We moved in together too soon.

We moved in together within 2 months of our relationship commencing. I'm an adult, I thought! We can make this work - he had a job at the time making OK money, and I had a significant pool of savings and an offer of employment already on the table.

During the past almost year now, he has not been able to pay his half of the rent even once. He did give me just under half of his first COVID19 payment from the US and used some of his limited tax return money to help buy things for the apartment. However, for a good portion of the time, I've even had to pay his bills, and found out retrospectively on more than one occasion that money that I had sent to him for his bills/needs had been used for his mother's bills. He didn't seem to understand why this was an issue and only seemed to click with him when I reiterated that the money in his account only existed in there because I sent it to him for his own bills. He claims he doesn't like not having his own money but only in very recent times has made any effort at all to get a steady source of income.

To be fair, during part of the pandemic I accepted him not working when it first started ramping up in our area and said it was OK for him to not work given high risk of exposure in his job. But I didn't know this would go on so long and have very frequently expressed stress over money, concerns about his employment status and ability to support himself. He has turned those conversations around to say that I was being selfish for worrying about money and how X number of people have died and how don't I want us to be safe?

I own almost everything in the apartment (thousands of dollars of stuff), so it's not so simple as me packing up my bags and moving out.

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tl;dr I've broken up with and told my boyfriend to move out, but he won't accept it, keeps asking me to give him a second chance, citing pandemic as majority cause for our relationship issues.

Submitted January 02, 2021 at 01:46PM by One-Today-9050 https://ift.tt/2Ml38Z4