My (22F) brother (26M) is trying to manipulate me and our family out of being in his daughters life.. but it’s more confusing than that.

TL; DR : My brother stepped up for the girl he loved to be the father of a baby she was pregnant with that wasn’t his. They broke up and tried to co parent after the girl was 1, it was toxic so by the time she was 2, he decided to leave. Mother asked my family to stay in the girls life as we were goodness and love for the child and now my brother, now that she is almost 3, is telling us to choose him or the child. We don’t get to have both. Feeling manipulated by my brother, which is right no character. What would you do?

Three years ago, my brother was seeing a woman (26F), pursuing her for a serious relationship and getting a lot of hesitation on her part. She caved and told him she was a few months pregnant from a casual encounter from the very beginning of them meeting. This is why she hasn’t committed to a serious relationship with him, she didn’t want to put him in the mess. My brother, almost worshiping the ground she walked on, told her that he loved her, and that blood or not, if she let him, he would be the father to the child. Feeling more secure they began a serious relationship. He moved a state away as she wanted to move closer to her family for support being pregnant, and they lived independently from each other as it was still a newer relationship. They were still with each other all of the time.

When my brother found out, he came to our family before he made plans with her to tell us that this was what was happening. He asked us to not disclose the blood relation part of the relationship and baby, but that he WAS going to step up and be a father to the child and be with her mom. He asked us to act no differently than if it was his child by blood. We have a history in the family of men stepping up and being fathers to children not legitimately there’s. Step-father things. My own father did this with my brother. We supported from the second he asked, and fell absolutely in love with the child, before she was even born.

When she was a year old, we had been a part of this child life for more than a year, pregnancy included. My brother and my niece’s mother decided to split as their relationship didn’t work, but that they would co-parent still. My brother was on the birth certificate, and they had agreed that he was as much, if not more, her father as the birth father who had no idea.

Flash forward to a year later, my brother and his new girlfriend (24F) come to us and tell us they are walking out of my nieces life. She is just short of being 2. The reasoning was that even the co-parenting relationship was toxic. The mother was manipulative and power playing my brother a lot. My brother was doing the same to her—I know my brother and that behavior is nothing of surprise to me. He is a good person but very my-way-or-the-highway, fuck anybody who I don’t like type of person. His motto isn’t lead with kindness, it’s so what I want, when I want, no matter what.

We supported him, knowing their relationship was bad for not only mother and him, but mostly for my niece. We knew that was the best choice for her. The instability of my nieces life was making her development stunted, putting her life into a constant negative panic mode survival looking for a place to just be loved and thrive. My brothers girlfriend, although a great person, had no patience or even love for my niece. She would snap at her, yell at her for crying when she asked her to do something, and constantly had a hateful attitude towards the child. I hated to see it. My parents house was the only time my niece would make massive development steps. She would come, acting like a child living through trauma and toxicity, and make leaps and bounds from the warmth and love and safety we sheltered her with. My brother had gotten to the point of ignoring her completely until she annoyed him when he had her. He would just play video games and pay no attention to her aside from making sure she was safe. But communication and interaction was minimal. We knew that him leaving, that was the best thing for not just him, but also for my Niece.

Before he could make the move, as he wanted to wait until a little after Christmas so that wouldn’t be ruined, the mother told him that she doesn’t want him on the birth certificate. She wants him to have no legal ability to make choices for my nieces life. She told him she knows what she means to him, and she is accepting of him staying in her life as dad, give that help support the girl financially also. This was her way of solving the problem of them not agreeing on anything for what they should do for the girl. He told her that if he had no legal rights he wasn’t going to be in her life at all. I understand his choice—he didn’t want to be manipulated any longer. Again we supported him. She reached out to my parents and I and said that although this was all happening with my brother, she didn’t want to cut us out of my nieces life. “I know you all love her so much, and what she needs is people who love her. You will always be her family, no matter what, and cutting you out isn’t an option for me because it would only hurt her. She has been the happiest and made the most growth with you guys. She loves you all.“

Now, almost a year later, my brother is “at his breaking point” and telling my parents and I that we have to choose a (almost) 3 year old girl or him. He messaged us last night saying that we had to choose him or her, we have 24 hours. To give context to the situation currently—we only speak to the mom about my niece. We only see her when we are dealing with my niece. She has never once asked for financial help from my parents or I, she has never told us that if we do not watch her when she needs us to that she will cut us off. It is always her asking if we are available to see her/watch her, making it clear that she wants us to only if it isn’t inconveniencing us. We have had to cancel watching her when my brother has chosen to come into town because we do not want to choose sides or make him feel like we don’t respect that he can’t be a part of it. We haven’t spoken of her unless he asks, and we don’t really talk about him to my niece unless she brings him up. We have never once spoken of my brother to the mom, except for yesterday because he texted her and told her to never contact his family ever again, and told her we don’t want her in our lives and that he won’t stand for her manipulating us. She messaged us the screenshots and said she doesn’t know what happened, but she really doesn’t want to split up a family. She assured us that she would understand if we have to step away, she doesn’t want to ruin a family.

My thing is. My brother holds NO responsibility for choosing to leave her life. One moment he is telling me that he was forced to leave, that the mother told him he wasn’t allowed to ever see my niece. And the next he is saying we guilt tripped him into staying in my nieces life longer than he ever wanted to. He has no sound argument and all three of us don’t want to be manipulated into saying fuck off to an innocent child because it hurts his feelings and he cannot compute that we are able to love him and be his family and support him, and also love a three year old child, be her family, and support her. He has made this all about how we don’t love him. How we are choosing her over him. I have told him that I am not choosing one or the other. I choose to love and have both in my life. If one of them isn’t, it is not because of my choice. It was the person who walked away’s choice.

I don’t know what my question is. I know this is lengthy, and it’s complex and complicated. I guess I just want to know what others think. Am I doing the right thing? My brother is manipulative and controlling and although the mother was like this to him also, she isn’t being that way at all with us. She hasn’t communicated with him at all, unless he is trying to start shit. Yet none of this is him. “It’s her manipulating us to be free daycare when it suits her, and using us to make him hurt”

Just. Give me your take? Your advice?

Submitted September 24, 2020 at 10:04AM by mariaobrien336 https://ift.tt/3cqHKuD