I (31/F) can't stop feeling bad about my husband (33/M, married 3 years together for 7) constantly sexting other people

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for the last 3, with a 2 year old daughter. I will be the first to admit that our sex life is not what it once was. While we aren't an open relationship (neither of us ever dated other people) we've always been "monogam-ish", we've had several threesomes in the past and had other friends we occasionally hooked up with, usually with both of us involved or at least present.

Obviously, having a toddler and also pandemic makes that less possible, and in general we have way less sex than we used to for a few reasons, beyond the kiddo, which include that he is on antidepressants that make it difficult for him to get hard, and so sex has become this very stress and shame-inducing thing for him, even though I genuinely do not mind and understand what's happening and am happy that he's taking medication that helps him (I take brain meds too!) and think there are plenty of other ways to be intimate, but I understand that for him it's very emotionally difficult and that he feels very ashamed about not being able to "perform". (Additionally, I know my body is not what it was before pregnancy and while he has said to me that he is still attracted to me, I worry that may also be a factor.)

The problem we are running into lately is that I can't get over the fact that he is almost constantly sexting other women, at least 5 that he's told me about and I know of. I have never really been the jealous type, but I am still feeling sort of emotionally bad about the fact that he is often texting and flirting and talking dirty with other women, but never with me. We've talked about it, and basically for him, since he has trouble having sex IRL, he says that talking to other women virtually but not in person is very validating for him and that it's sort of fantasy where he can imagine that he doesn't ever have an issue getting hard and that it's an escape for him, and has nothing to do with me and that I shouldn't feel bad.

I do understand where he's coming from - I imagine it must be very stressful to be in his situation, and I worry that I have ever put pressure on him to have sex in a way that has made it worse for him. (Another thing is that I have a problem where I have a hard time feeling aroused if someone isn't expressing interest in me - I rarely initiate because I don't often feel excited if someone isn't already flirting with or expressing interest in me, which I know is a problem I need to work on.) I try to remain upbeat and never put pressure on him or complain, but I can't help feeling sort of badly.

Sometimes I feel like I'm this dumpy old mom with a c-section scar instead of the sexy young girl he married, and even though he swears the sexting has nothing to do with me, I still feel a little bit concerned and badly. I think I would feel fine if he was also interested in me while also texting all these other women, but that's not the case, because I know that having sex with me has now become something that is very stressful to him. (I should note, I don't usually even get off from p-in-v sex and I very much enjoy other things!! I feel terrible that he feels so focused on getting and staying hard as I do not at all judge that.) I feel like I must somehow be inferior and I want to be patient and understanding with him, but it does hurt my feelings that he seems more interested in texting other women than me.

I guess that some people will suggest that I find text buddies of my own since I've had fun with some of our group experiences in the past, but I am personally not really super interested in anything with other people and honestly feel so busy with work and my daughter that I don't feel like I even have time for that.

What can I do to stop feeling so bummed about this situation?

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TLDR: My husband and I have a not-totally-monogamous relationship but have less sex than we used to early in our relationship before we had a kid. He's not interested in or able to have sex with me, but has several flirtatious sexting relationships with other women, which he says are purely fantasy-based and have nothing to do with me. While I try not to be jealous, my feelings are a bit hurt. How can I get over this?

Submitted September 28, 2020 at 08:23PM by Extra-Kaleidoscope-2 https://ift.tt/2S4xK0K