Original Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/j0g7f0/my_25m_girlfriend_27f_is_still_giving_mixed/
Thank you everyone for the advice and the support on the original post. After some thinking I came to realize that my frustration is much more valid than I was letting myself believe.
I started by asking if she was happy and she said yes she was pretty happy overall with our relationship and pointed out all the good things. She didn't even bother to ask if I was. I had to bring up that while I appreciated all the good things overall I couldn't say the same. She seemed a bit taken aback and asked if it was because we hadn't had sex yet, I said yes. I told her that I honestly hoped that we would have had sex by now, emphasized that even by the standards of "taking things slow" a year was a very long time to wait.
She went on the defensive and asked why I couldn't be patient, I replied to her that I had been patient but by this time I'd normally have expected it to happen. I asked her why she didn't have a problem with having sex with her ex boyfriends.
She told me that the first one (he was an asshole) she was younger and felt pressured to lose her virginity with him, which explains why she said she regretted losing her virginity. I asked if that was the case with her subsequent exes, including the one she was previously engaged to. She told me that with her ex-fiance and her other "major" ex boyfriend (whom she dated pretty much right before me) that wasn't the case, but when those relationships ended she felt devastated and she felt like having sex with them made her feel too emotionally attached. At the time she saw a future with them. She told me that since I have a much more "casual" attitude towards sex I couldn't really relate and understand what that level of attachment with somebody feels like, and that it was really hard on her. (Side note: she still has her previous two exes on Facebook, I knew about this and established boundaries).
I told her that I was having a hard time even forming a further connection with her because we haven't had sex yet. I tried to reassure her that I wouldn't just hang around a year just to get in her pants, if I really wanted to just "pump and dump" with her we wouldn't even be having this conversation. I asked her to honestly tell me if she saw a future with me. She said she liked me a lot and she does but she wants to be really sure, but she couldn't guarantee when that would happen. I asked her if she wanted to wait for marriage, she asked me if it would be a dealbreaker and I said yes. She told me she regretted not waiting until marriage with her exes, but that wasn't a hard fast rule: she just wants to have sex with a man that she knows will be her life partner. I told her that I don't even know if I can be a life partner with someone unless I've already had sex with them and know that it's more than just sex.
From there it started turning sour. She got insecure and started asking me if I would cheat on her or if there was something going on between me and another girl. I assured her that I wasn't, then she revealed that she had been really insecure lately that I was looking at and talking to other girls, and started saying she was honestly starting to think that something was going on between me and some of my female friends despite me saying otherwise. She told me that she had male friends (some of whom she'd dated previously) who would try and get with her from time to time, so it wouldn't surprise me if that was what I was doing. From here I got pretty annoyed, partly because she was accusing me of being like that (yes I know some guys are like that, but that isn't me), and partly because she never told me about this. She tried to justify being friends with these guys by saying she didn't want to be mean and she had a hard time saying no. I called her out telling her that these guys were definitely not her "friends" and clearly waiting in line to see if they would get lucky. She accused me of being controlling and jealous, and said that first I was pressuring her to have sex then this. I called her on her double standard of getting insecure about me and female friends, yet she expected me to be totally okay with her male friends. I also told her that I couldn't and wouldn't force her to have sex with me if she doesn't want to, nor would I give her a strict deadline or ultimatum, but I did make it clear that I didn't see the relationship going anywhere if sex didn't happen relatively soon.
Before things turned really sour she said she needed time to "think" about things and I left her place. On the walk home I started thinking about certain things about her that I now realize that are some pretty big red flags:
- The fact that she's still in touch with her exes, as well as friends with a bunch of dudes who are lining up for a chance to get in her pants
- That she tries to minimize my experience with attachment in relationships as not being as important to hers
- Her double standards for me having female friends
- She tries to dodge the question and change the subject whenever I bring up how she teases me and sends me mixed signals
- Her ultra-conservative family. Her and her friends' slut-shaming tendencies as well.
- I also noticed lately that her and her ex fiance still regularly comment on each other's pictures. She never told me directly who the ex fiance was, I just found him based on the city she told me he lives in, and his description.
- When I put two and two together, she's never really been single for a long time at all since she was 18. She literally started seeing me a month after she broke up with her previous ex.
I'm 99% positive that unless she comes around in the coming weeks, it's over. To be honest I'm starting to plan out what my Tinder profile will look like (can't believe I'm going there, but a man's gotta see what options he has). I'll update once I know for certain what's exactly going on, but again it's not looking good.
TLDR; Brought up my sexual frustration with my girlfriend. We both told our respective sides of the story, but did not see eye to eye or successfully make a compromise. We're giving each other "space" right now but I don't think this is going to end well.
Submitted September 29, 2020 at 04:13PM by ThrowRApangolin https://ift.tt/3nb4PXh
No comments:
Post a Comment