UPDATE: After months of fighting (M/24) with my gf (F/24), I moved back home for a bit and had a nervous breakdown from the stress and I found out my mom (F/60) actually despises my gf and showed me some things about her that I can't unsee. Can this relationship even be salvaged?
After I posted a couple of weeks ago, Annie came back from a meeting with my mother. While she was not aware that her actions have an impact on my mental state she wasn’t initially apologetic.
I let this sit for a bit and explained to Annie in my own words. I said that every time you get angry and hold my previous mistakes over my head, you make me feel like a failure as a boyfriend and as a person. I also said it causes me immense stress to not make a mistake around you because you’ll just hold it against me and use it as ammo next time I make a mistake.
Annie let this sit for a moment and started crying. She said that’s the way she was brought up and said she didn’t know what she did hurt me. She apologized and said she never knew that acting this way was causing so much stress. Since we were on the topic of changes I also pointed out some of the red flags- like her being a hypocrite. Annie sat there as I explained what her behaviour and actions do to me and how me bottling it in and letting her behaviour slide (while she gets on my ass for making a mistake) was also causing me stress.
I then said that I know you don’t like being criticized but I have to let it out. If we get married and I don’t get this out, we’re likely going to get divorced. I also then said “I know change is hard but if someone is important to you, you’re willing to make that change” (thanks to the redditor who gave me that).
Annie then said ok I’m willing to change and improve. It’s fair that since I hold you to a high standard, you should hold me to a high standard too. She then said she would look into therapy to get help in changing.
For the time being we decided to take a step back while we work on improving ourselves. Luckily our landlord is letting us end our lease at the end of the month and I’m going to go back home and Annie will as well. For now marriage is off the table and I’ll reconsider it in a year or so to see if all the necessary changes have been made.
—- tl;dr: I told Annie about how her anger and resent has an effect on my mental state and she showed remorse and apologized. She’s been better at controlling her anger and has even acknowledged that she doesn’t handle her anger properly. I also pointed out the red flags and she has been trying to work on them. She was open to finding therapy and we’re looking for a therapist now.
We no longer live together and marriage is off the table for now.
Submitted September 28, 2020 at 02:34PM by Independent_Ad_6379 https://ift.tt/3mWaSi6
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