Hi all
I recently started seeing someone (I am F 23, he is M 23) and I've started having some concerns about our relationship. We have only known each other since Feb this year, and at the time I was in another long-term relationship (3.5 years). It ended with a lot of love, but I hadn't been fully happy in a while, and although I really should have taken some space to reflect and be single in the aftermath of that, I jumped into seeing this new guy.
At first, he seemed really wonderful. He is charming, charismatic, extroverted, always makes time to see me, funny, ambitious, financially savvy etc. But my friends have started raising concerns that I seem less happy and like myself, and I feel as though he might be love bombing me (inadvertently). A few examples of things he's done:
- First up, it's become really apparent to me that he asks me questions in a way to get the answer he wants. I don't feel like I have an equal voice in the relationship. For example, we took a trip together, and once we got to the hotel I felt quite tired and gross, just wanted to relax. He wanted to have sex. I kept on saying things like 'after we shower' or 'let's go get some food so we can settle in for the night first', but his response seemed really manipulative to me. He would be giving me oral, and look up and say 'oh you want to go get food mm? or do you want me to keep eating you out?'. When he phrased it like this, I felt like I couldn't say no without hurting his feelings - like saying no was me having to take a defiant stance, and so I reluctantly said 'oh yeah I guess keep going'. I didn't want to upset him and/or seem ungrateful for him giving me oral. It then descended into 1.5 hours of sex and me giving him oral, which I just was not into at the time, and I expressed to him how upset I was with the way he acted after it was over. He said he understood and wouldn't ask questions like that in the future, but he still does about other, non-sexual things - e.g. if I need to get up early the next day and he is still at my place, he will be like 'do you want to sleep or do you want me to stay and give you more cuddles?' - how exactly am I supposed to be like 'yes, I want to sleep and I want you to leave'. It feels like he does not actually care what I want, but knows how to get the answer he wants out of me every time by putting me in an uncomfortable position to say no.
- A second thing that's been happening is he always wants to spend time with me and invite me out w his friends (even if I can tell they'd probably just hang out as boys). He always makes the drive out to see me, approx 40 mins (I will do it sometimes too, but most of the time he rather comes to me because we have more privacy at my place w/o his roommates). I am extremely grateful for him doing this, but it makes me feel as though I can't say no to him coming over. I feel like I'm becoming a shell of the person I was because he is always around and I don't have any time to myself, but if I ever express that I want to just focus on myself for a few days, he takes it really personally and that I love him less than he loves me, and then I just feel like shit and want to make it up to him so I have him over for even longer than I would have otherwise.
- Third, he is so good at showering me with love and affection and little presents, but is so sensitive if I make a silly joke at his expense (even though he does this often) or if I have a slip up and show impatience (e.g. "hey can you eat faster we're going to be late" = him looking at me, standing up and throwing the rest of his food away while I apologise and say "no that was rude, I'm sorry please finish I know you are already hurrying" --> then became 2hr long fight). I am so sick of huge fights starting from such trivial and minor things, esp things that I feel are really hypocritical - e.g. at the start of the relationship, he was fine to (jokingly) call me a fucking idiot and whatever else, even though I didn't like that and had never been treated like that by a boyfriend. When I tried to lighten up and do the same to him, he got upset. When he does get upset, he will withdraw from me - I will continually ask him what's wrong, and he tells me that talking about it further is only going to make him more upset, so I am forced to drop it and sit in an uncomfortable place until he's ready to talk however long later. We have spoken at length about this now because all the fighting is pushing me to breaking point, and his original solution was that I need to listen to him and understand his sensitivities better, and then when I inevitably upset him I need to continually try to comfort him and hug him (even if he rejects it) until he is ready to open up and forgive me. I feel like a parent with a child almost, and that his reactions are so beyond over the top in response to the supposed 'bad thing' I've done to upset him. But when he is upset, I feel this strong need to right it and get back to him being affectionate and loving, and it causes me a huge amount of distress when he is so cold to me.
Anyway, sorry for the huge vent, I'm just getting increasingly worried about where this relationship is headed. I don't feel like my full self - I feel like I am constantly living to appease someone else. At the same time, I feel extremely attached to him and don't really want to end it. My friends already aren't fans of him (although they weren't from the beginning bc they were all close w my ex and didn't like that I started seeing this guy so soon after breaking up), so I would really appreciate some insight from others.
TDLR; new bf always wants to spend time with me, makes me feel guilty if I ever say no, and asks questions in such a way to always get the answer he wants. I feel like this is toxic, but not sure if I'm just overreacting and it's something we can work through?
Submitted September 26, 2020 at 06:02PM by Independent-Lab8525 https://ift.tt/340vFbL
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