I [29F] told my closest male friend [35M] I would be reaching out less out of respect for my marriage, but I think the friendship is over. I don't know how to move forward and/or move on.

tl;dr - I [29F] told my closest male friend I would be reaching out less out of respect for my marriage. I am grieving the loss, and he [35M] responded in a way that hurt me. I don't know how to move forward and/or move on.

Obligatory: sorry this is so long.

I [29F] became close friends sometime in 2017 with a male coworker [35M] who we'll call The Coworker. We occasionally got lunch or coffee together and talked frequently. In 2019, we both moved away to opposite sides of the planet but have still been in touch a few times weekly, and since the pandemic started, it escalated to FB chatting throughout the day, almost every day. I consider him one of my closest friends who was a great conversationalist, and always gave me straight advice. Honestly, I don't make friends easily. I'm friendly but introverted and awkward, and horrible at small talk and gossip. You can imagine how much I valued a friendship that seemed to magically run on novel information, shared interests, ideas, and memes. We only started chatting more once the pandemic hit.

We had unspoken boundaries about discussing personal relationships or most personal problems; he was especially private and protective, and he refused any progress in the friendship such as video chats or branching out to other social media. I don't know anything about his partner, but I've been in a supportive and happy marriage for some years now.

That being said, my partner [27M] occasionally expressed to me that he thinks that The Coworker has feelings for me, and while he trusts me, he's not comfortable with this guy. This is when I should have nipped this in the bud, but I fucked up. I didn't. I liked this friend too much. I always said if it was true, it was The Coworker's problem and he would need to get over it. I didn't take it seriously considering he's in a relationship and never let me get too close.

However, this past weekend my partner told me the frequency at which we talk was making him feel insecure, it was starting to become inappropriate, and that he's begun to suspect I was having an emotional affair with The Coworker. Considering that this has progressed from mild discomfort to a humiliating full-blown discussion on what constitutes an emotional affair, I told him to consider this problem solved and let me handle it. I felt my partner's fears were coming true - I had gotten too attached and dependent on this friend, it brightened my day to hear from him, and it was progressing to affection. I don't like problems to fester, so I told The Coworker that day what happened with my partner, and that I was going to have to lay off chatting with him so often. I didn't want to shift my behavior without an explanation. I thought it was only fair we were all on the same page. The Coworker replied that he understood, he didn't want to "cut another man's grass" (TIL I'm a lawn ornament), and he'll lay off, too. His tone sounded unhappy to me, but I expected that. I think we were equally surprised and embarrassed.

Five days later, I contacted him again saying this was an awkward situation and I didn't know how to move forward with it. He replied he thought I couldn't talk to him anymore (not accurate), and that it was too late (tbf it was 2:00a) "to solve the problems of Gilead." I was deeply offended by the implication that I am an oppressed sex slave with no control over my relationships, but he tried to brushed it off as criticizing a broader cultural problem. I'm still seething mad that he said this to me. I'm convinced he knew it would cut me to the core. I've been hoping that he would apologize or clarify, but it hasn't happened. He hasn't reached out at all. This was another 5 days ago.

Reddit, I am convinced I made the right decision. I love my partner, he has supported me and loved me unconditionally and rarely asks anything of me, and I want him to be in a worry-free marriage with me. When I stopped denying it was a problem, I did something about it. I didn't want or intend to end a meaningful friendship, but I have no idea what to say to The Coworker. He's a closed book and I suspect he'll try to blow off any request to explain why he reacted in a hurtful way, as well any attempt to salvage the friendship. I don't know why I'm even wasting so much brain power wishing this was different, especially since I made this call. I'm having a hard time being tough about it. I'm truly heartbroken that I've probably lost the only friend I've "clicked" with in years, I'm upset that I had to make this decision at all, I'm scared I'll never find another friend as unique and smart as him, and I'm angry that he seems so dismissive and comfortable with an abrupt and embarrassing end. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about what happened. I'm on an emotional roller coaster every day that's impacting my work. I feel crushed.

Did I work too hard to cultivate a friendship with someone who didn't value it as much as me? Is his reaction as hurtful as I'm interpreting it? Or am I terribly naive?

How do I move forward? How do I stop feeling embarrassed?

How do I grieve the end of the friendship and move on, if that's what's needed?

How do I accept what I feel I had to do, and stop caring?

Submitted September 28, 2020 at 11:00PM by Tiny-Coyote-9869 https://ift.tt/3n2hdIY