He [34M] wants to take our "situationship" to the extreme next level and wants me [33F] to move in. I am not sure if I am an idiot for considering it.

Hello Reddit! Long time listener, first time caller here. I Honestly don't know how to summarize it, but I made an attempt below. I am in need of making a decision of whether I should move in with the guy I've been seeing since last year.

Backstory & Early Beginnings

Back in '14 I dated a guy (Mark) for about 2 years and met a whole group of friends through him. For the most part there was always a group of us who would plan hangouts/trips/outings etc. Sometimes we would both attend, sometimes not. One of these friends had a brother (Andrew) that would sometimes come over and partake in whatever group activities we had going on at the time. Andrew was pretty focused on school and would be known to disappear for months at a time. He was never around enough for me to really get to know him but I could tell from afar that he seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.

Flash forward to the summer of '16: I have been single for a few months and I am in a odd state. I didn't want to really be with anyone and I certainly was not trying to give it another go with my ex (Mark). In an effort to keep myself busy, I began to hangout with others outside of the typical core group so that I could minimize any awkward interactions with my ex. One afternoon I received an surprise invite to hang with Andrew. He was in town for the summer and noticed I checked in to a coffee shop nearby (lol social media) We make plans to meet up later on in the evening. Once we met up, we spent a good chunk of the time shooting the shit and getting to know one another. Even though it was the first time we had ever hung out one on one, there was literally no awkwardness. I had to call it an early night and left after a couple hours. Soon after our hangout, I received a message from him letting me know he had a good time. After some back and forth, he asked if I would be interested in casually dating (NSA) to which I politely declined. I knew he was only here for short period of time and I was not in the right head space to get involved with someone. He respected my decision and was soon gone to finish up the last of his school year in another city.

2017 to beginning of 2019 were years I spent dating and ultimately living with someone from outside the group. We would make occasional appearances to group outings and would sometimes have small get togethers at our place with new/old friends. During this time frame, Andrew moved back to the city and landed a local job. He was often invited and came to several of the hangouts (both to outings and my shindigs) Unfortunately, me and the guy ended up breaking up before the end of our lease in July and spent several months awkwardly living together. I didn't tell many of my close friends of the breakup until I began searching for my own place to live. Once I signed a lease and got my keys, I sent a group text to some of the group to let them know that a housewarming party was soon to come after I settled in. Andrew reached out to me to offer help us with the move. He was out of the loop of the breakup and was surprised to hear that I was moving out solo.

From the moment I confirmed I was solo it was as if a light switch was flicked. We began texting nonstop for weeks. It was pretty nice to effortlessly chat with someone about anything and everything. Nothing ever struck me as blatant flirting but it was also not entirely innocent (a few tongue in cheek jokes here and there). After a couple of weeks of us texting fairly regularly, he invited me to dinner and a movie. I figured, screw it why not? I am now in a good spot and feeling confident enough to go on a date. We have a lovely dinner and some wine, we ended up back at his place where I spent the night. This was the first and only time we've gotten drunk and hooked up. For the next several weeks it was a lot of hooking up and getting to know one another on a whole different level. We had a conversation in September where we both laid out that we didn't want to dive into a relationship (me for wanting to enjoy living solo/my new career and him for wanting to focus on his family's business) but were very much wanting to go with the flow and enjoy each other's company.

We never said a word to anyone in the friend group out of choice. We're both really private people and would rather keep our business to ourselves. We're both really introverted and prefer spending time being hermits. Since pretty much October, Andrew has come over (think 3-5 times a week) to hang/have dinner but has never spent the night at my place. On the days that he couldn't come over, he made the effort to call to chat for a bit. Sometimes even when he knew that his week was looking to be hectic and busy, he'd swing by just to go on a drive together or bring food. We didn't have sex every single time we hung out and we usually cuddled up by the end of the night.

Back in late December, I asked if we could have a conversation about our "situationship". I made it clear that this wasn't a "shit or get off the pot" kind of conversation but a "hey, are we still on the same page?" I mentioned that I wasn't looking to make things permanent, public, or anything but did want to get insight on how he felt overall. I also let him know that I was starting to think about the kind of things I wanted in 2020 with and if I should consider us a part of it. He seemed to be caught off guard but answered honestly. He told me he never had any real experience with dating and never really been in a relationship. Since he spent years being single and focused on his family's business, he never really put relationships on a high priority. He is being groomed to take over a much bigger chunk of the family business early next year and will be primarily focused on that. He knows that eventually he will be too busy for anything. He said he would be saddened if we could no longer hang out, but would be understanding if I wanted to search for someone that was more in line with what I wanted. After our conversation, we both agreed to continue with what we have. After all, why stop something that we both enjoyed?

Things at the end of 2019 and in the beginning of 2020 were pretty great and awesome for the both of us. Work/life balance was good and we were very much still on the same wavelength. Still maintained the normal routine/frequency of seeing each other. We are still on the DL with our families/friends.

ENTER COVID-19!

The pandemic resulted in me being laid off of work in April. It was a not at all a surprise since rumors were already flying around back in Mid-March about our branch potentially being on the chopping block. I thankfully have some savings to help me weather the storm for now. Andrew's job is classified as essential so he has not taken a hit as I have. With this downtime, we've continued on seeing one another as normal (well, as safe as we can). I am essentially self quarantining and only go out for essentials.

When I got word that I would for certain be laid off, Andrew approached me with the idea of me working with him. He was looking for someone to help out and felt that I would be a good fit for that role. It was a role already in the making and he would rather it go to me. I was hesitant because I felt that us working together would be risky given that it would drastically change the dynamics of what we already have. It would also result in us further increasing our time together (as if we weren't already lol) He convinced me that it was worth trying out and I gave in. We laid out an agreement for me to do contract work for the next couple of months and made sure to treat it as separate from our personal lives. So far, no problems have come up. I've even begun to spend the night several times a week at his place since he lives within walking distance to work. When we are not working, we still are hanging out and acting the same.

Due to the uncertainty of what my income will look like in the future, I have begun to try and make plans for what I need to do as far as my living situation. With my lease coming up in the summer, I need to give notice if I will need to renew or move out by the beginning of summer. I was very much surprised when Andrew asked about my plans for my living situation and was even more surprised when he offered up his place.

I was very much upfront and told him that I felt it was a bad decision. We were already in a gray area situationship wise and we were already risking it by working together. But now throwing in us living together? Yeah, that's gonna be a nah for me. Andrew claimed that it just made sense and that we spend so much time with one another, what's the harm? He was hoping that I would come to view this role as a permanent role (which to be honest, is pretty awesome and it has room to grow.) He offered to provide me with my own room (it's a spacious condo) and essentially told me I was free to decorate and the like. I explained that given my previous experience, I didn't want to move in with someone unless it was the next step in the relationship. I then flat out asked Andrew "what does this mean for us?"

Hilarity ensued.

When I asked what he thought the last several months have been it's as if he was a deer in headlights. Almost as if it the dots clicked and it just dawned to him what we have been and are currently doing. When I brought up that I felt we were navigating towards a long-term relationship (especially with us moving in) he was very vocal on that he wouldn't be able to fulfill that role for anyone. I countered that his actions (making the effort to come over for dinner/hanging out, phone calls, daily texts, ASKING ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM) fell very much in the the relationship behavior area he didn't know what to say. When I brought up living with someone you are involved with is much different that seeing each other on a frequent basis, he tried to use his prior experience with roommates as enough to prepare for us. He told me he wouldn't mind at all if I ended up wanting to pursue someone who could give me what I wanted (which he assumed was marriage, which I am not focused on) I argued back, "how the fuck can I find anyone if you've inserted yourself into every aspect of my life?"

This leads us today. He still is insisting that I move in with him but freaks out at the idea of it resulting into us becoming a traditional couple (one that results in marriage). I have already laid out that I would not want to live with someone unless it was a serious relationship were we treated each other as primary partners and were focused on growing individually and as a couple. For me, a relationship is something I want to invest in only my partner and I are in it together. Does it automatically mean marriage? No, but I am not scared of the possibility of it. Andrew is ok with the idea of us being in a relationship but yet feels the need to remind me that he can't fulfill certain roles of a "traditional" boyfriend. Mainly that he would want to get married (I'm no where near that), be monogamous (something I don't believe in) or be the only source of emotional support (which I don't think is healthy anyways). What's crazy is that we agree in other core values but yet can't seem to get on the same page of what this move would be defined as. For me, he very much acts as a boyfriend and I would be perfectly ok with this being long term. For him, I am someone he enjoys spending time with and have grown to care for but he feels he cant "be that guy."

Reddit, my question is am I making a huge mistake? Is there something that I am not seeing? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.

TL;DR

Starting seeing a guy back in summer of '19 and hit it off. We've always had an agreement of things being loosely defined and have gone with the flow for the better part of a year. Due to the pandemic, our dynamics have changed and now he wants me to not only work with him but also move in by the beginning of summer. We can't seem to get on the same page as to what this entails. Halp.

Submitted May 02, 2020 at 11:44AM by wheredoweg0fr0mhere https://ift.tt/3bVPunm