Please comment grief advice.
Throw away account. I only opened this account, it's my first time using it actually. I thought it would help. Really long story and english is not my first language so please bear with me. Thank you if you take your time reading.
I (17M) and my deceased GF (18F, only a few months in between) were dating for about 4 years. Met in middle school, and always liked eachother, had our upps and downs but were ALWAYS there for eachother. Very cliche I know, but we knew everything about eachother, our deepest secrets and our future dreams. Our relationship was complicated due to the fact that she was NOT allowed to have a BF. We dated secretly fow about a year and a half, got caught many times but her parents let her slip because they knew I made her happy.Eventually her dad let us and we were happpier than ever.
The thing is, she was sick. I prefer not share, due to the fact I'm scared any of her friends or family member may read this.
But just before quarantine was ordered, we were totally fine, we almost never fought as she was always super patient with me, and communication was veery important to us. especially since I have mental health issues. My grandpa had recently passed away, along with other family members and it hit me very hard. I still am very afected by it.
I just couldnt handle it and my depression rised, I told myself I couldnt love any one anymore because I was afraid they would die and it would hurt me. I distanced myself from her, I barely responded her texts, avoided her and everyone. I didn't even congratulate her on her birthday, just a simple " happy birthday." That was it. She got mad,and I just didn't care? I dont know what I was thinking. she loved her birthday, even more than christmas ( i know it's selfish for some people but I love her for it, she never got any attention because she always took care of others and was overral a serious person, so it was a day she could be the center of attention and se all her family and friends).
a month passed by and she got logically madder that I was isolating myself, and avoiding her. I never ignored her before, she was very patient, but I never realised she wanted to tell me something important until it was too late. She was waiting until I was feeling better. Until she kinda exploded. She told me I could at least give her an explanation ( i dessapeared for hours and came back with a simple 'hi', and then ignored her again).And that she was getting worried I was having a meltdown and keeping it to myself. I exploded and told her it wasn't her buisness, and I should never give explanations. At the beggining of May, she told me loved me and I didn't reply.
Later that day I noticed she didnt send me anything, so I got worried. She later told me went to an appointment and was diagnosed with Premenstrual Depression, and her other sickness had evolved. I cared but it was like I had no feelings. She asked if I wanted to break up and I said maybe. She told me, she would let me clear my head, and heal until quarentine was over, so that maybe being in person would help. Then along the month I did reply her "I love you's" but i didnt mean them like before. It was almost like a dark cloud was over my heart. She went on multiple appointments in this month, and procedures that left her dry. She told me she could even die while she sleept, but she always got better, so I wasn't scared, She had a head doctor 24/7 in her home. She was going to be fine I told myself.
We almost didn't talk in daytime, but she always texted me if I had eaten, did i sleep well, how was I feeling and more things theat meant that even if she was going throught hell; She.was.always.there. for. me.
Now I realise that even if her responded her texts,I wasn't.
Her best friend (mia)texted me and told me in confidence that my gf was sad, but she refused to let it show. mia told me it would really help if I at least acted like I cared, and I got mad, "Of course I care"I told her. To which she replied " well you have a really bad way of showing it, you know she is suffering but refuses to show it"
Weeks before she passed away, I told her I was confused and I couldn't love anyone, let alone her. She was logically outraged and sad, that I would throw our relationship for being in her words " placing all my emotional frustration out on her, when she had nothing to with it. And that she was always there for me" The next day she called and apologized., saying that she was wrong to yell at me, and she understands what I'm going through, she was sorry she exploded, that if I wanted to end things it would be understandable. But I didn't, I told her It was my depression loming in, and that If i could have some space it would help a lot (she did give me space, but still asked how I was doing and stuff like that which was fine btw). We never took down our photos, but we were not acting like a couple anymore. We were waiting until quarentine ended to solve things around us.
Every morning she would tell me " Good morning,I love you, never forget that. I am here for you." And every night " good night, I love you, Call me if you need anything".
Yesterday she didn't text me good morning, and when the night came she didn't text goodnight either. Her mom contacted me earlier, she died while she sleept, left me a box with things she had made by hand while she was in bed, along with everything she kept from our relationship and a couple of books she loved.
A letter where she stated that She loved me, and that she knows i am blaming myself, but that I shouldnt, that she understanded me. and more things that are personal.
I blame myself for not being there, and she was always there for me. She was a ray of sunshine, always happy, by everyones side, her laugh was always heard even form blocks away. Her personality always shined even if she was a serious person. Always loved giving love and gave people way too many second chances. Her dream was to study medicine and become an expert in her illness to help others, she was already at her age a Lab tech.
Now I realize, I always loved her, I took everything out on her, like she was to blame ( I never told her that,but I know she knew. Heck, I didnt even know myself until now).
she was my first love,my first everything. I will never forget her, I will always blame myself for being an asshole to her, while she was always there for me until her last moment. I don't even know why I'm telling this to a bunch of stragers, but I feel like I dont believe it yet.
Reddit users. Never take anyone for granted. Every time you see a person treat them like you will never see them again, I always thought it was silly advice. Now I know that in fact not.
If I could go back in time in hug her longer, tell her i loved her, talk to her I would.
It was loo late for me, but not for you.
TLDR: My girlfriend died , I was an asshole to her before she passed away and I was not there for her for selfish reasons. She deserved better.
Submitted May 28, 2020 at 11:06PM by LottusFlower_ https://ift.tt/2XKqV6K
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