My (35/F) husband (36/M) of five years recently admitted to me that he had cheated on me before we were married.

We had nothing to do this past weekend due to lockdown, so we had a few glasses of wine at home. If I remember correctly, the topic of cheating had come up after we had found out that another married couple we know had recently decided to get a divorce due to the husband having cheated with one of his coworkers prior to lockdown.

To cut it short, my husband looked very uncomfortable throughout that conversation. I figured that he just felt bad for our friend whose husband of five years had cheated on her, but after I had asked what was on his mind, he just came out with it. I really can't even remember how he said it, only that it had come out of nowhere. It must have been something along the lines of, "What if I were to tell you that I had once cheated on you when we were dating?" Again I thought he was joking at first, but the lack of laugher that followed had really driven the seriousness of the situation home.

I didn't know what to say other than to ask him to expand. If it had been when we had initially started seeing each other (before we were properly a couple, which I guess wouldn't count as cheating in the first place) maybe then I could brush it off but according to him it had happened when we had already been together two years. We got engaged after three years together and married a year after that, so he has kept this from me for over half of the time that I have known him. I ... honestly don't know how to feel.

Apart from the obvious feelings of sadness and disappointment and frustration, I really can't seem to understand why he had decided to tell me now. Obviously I would prefer to know if something along these lines were to happen in any relationship that I'm in, but if he's only telling me to absolve himself of his own mixed feelings ... that's pretty fucking unfair. If he really cared he would have told me years ago. In fact if he really cared, he wouldn't have cheated to begin with. What's worse is that it was with one of our old friends. He said it had only happened once, but how am I supposed to believe that?

He has been sleeping on the couch every night since and has steered clear of me just as I had asked. My friend from university (who lives nearby) has invited me to come stay with her for as long as I need, so I might just do that. She lives alone and neither of us are at-risk, so it should be okay if I go there. The obvious thought would be to tell my husband to leave the house and find somewhere else to stay, but I honestly can't be in this house right now. Not when every moment we have spent here together has been utter bullshit due to what he did.

I don't know. Right now I'm frustrated and angry but at the same time (and I feel gross for saying this) I can't see myself just ... leaving him. If the cheating had been recent, then I would absolutely have left him that same night and have been done with this marriage, but it was a long time ago ... and we were young and stupid ... and maybe I'm just making excuses. I don't know. How many times have I said that?

Not sure what to do. How do I move forward? What are my options?

Sorry if this post was confusing.

I need some tough love.

TL;DR It happened in the second year of our relationship and came up out of nowhere the other night. On the one hand it was a long time ago and we were both young and stupid, but on the other hand it feels fresh and I can't describe how sad I feel when I think about all the years that we've been together without my having known. Not sure what to do moving forward. I've been with him for nine years, so the idea of walking away now feels ... incomprehensibly huge.

Submitted May 28, 2020 at 01:18PM by lossforwords90 https://ift.tt/2zxAyhn