My (20F) parents (55M/55F) hate my boyfriend (23M) and my boyfriend hates my parents. I feel so caught in the middle.

My parents are very traditional and believe that sex should be saved for marriage. I do not agree with this at all and it's caused many problems. When I was 18, my parents read through all of my texts as a punishment for something else and found out I had recently lost my virginity to a guy I was dating at the time. They completely ruined my life over this for several months. They made sure I had no access to technology, no way to talk to my friends, called me hurtful names, and hit me. Needless to say, I am no longer dating that person.

However, I am 20 now and have been dating a new guy for almost a year. I like him a lot and feel we connect on a deep level. He's very dependable and loyal to me and I feel safe with him. I was hoping my parents would treat this new relationship with more respect and so I told them about it early on, because I was happy and I was hoping they would share in my happiness. My mom started crying as soon as I told her and grabbed her chest as if she was having heart palpitations. It made me feel really bad that she reacted that way. And I immediately knew my parents would not make this relationship easy.

I met my boyfriend while I was away at college. He is in the military so we are currently long distance. We see each other a lot for a long distance couple but obviously we still like to seize every opportunity to see each other. When I'm at school, this is not a problem. When I'm at home.... major problem. The first time I wanted to see him while I was home, I went to hang out at his house. (I prefer going to his place because my parents are extremely strict at my house. They won't let us leave the main floor which gives us zero privacy considering I have seven family members. We have to stay in the living room or kitchen where everyone can see and hear everything we're doing or talking about. I feel I'm too old for this level of surveillance). While at his house, I texted my mom telling her I wanted to spend the night. She freaked out and harassed me with phone calls, threatened to call the cops on my boyfriend and me, and told me she was going to drive over and get me. I did not want to deal with that drama so I just went home.

About a month later, I was living at school again. I decided I wanted to visit my boyfriend for Valentine's Day so my boyfriend and I used our own resources and money to make this happen. And I didn't tell my parents. I figured I was using my own resources and wasn't even living at home at the time so there was really nothing they could say about it. My parents found out because apparently they felt I hadn't been calling them enough and they made me FaceTime them and show them "proof" I was at school. Once they found out, they blackmailed me into putting my boyfriend on the phone and lectured hime about being a "real man" and basically told them that they didn't approve of the relationship. They then made him give them his boss's phone number so they could call and complain about him. My bf was very comforting to me about this, told me it wasn't my fault, and held me until my parent-induced panic attack subsided.

After this incident, I was infuriated with my parents and humiliated by their behavior. We spent hours on the phone fighting about it. I stood my ground and told them I feel old enough and responsible enough to stay over a boyfriend's house if I want to, and that I enjoy spending nights with him because we don't get to see each other as often as we would like or as often as other couples. We eventually came to an agreement that if I did not use their car or any of their resources, I could spend nights with my boyfriend.

Since then, things haven't really gotten better. My entire school has been kicked off campus because of COVID-19 so I've been living at home for three months. I'm currently unable to move out because of the virus situation. I abide by our agreement and spend nights at my boyfriend's house only by using my own resources. However, they still tell me every time I do it that I'm "tearing their hearts out" and "disobeying" them. My dad tells me my boyfriend is a "piece of shit" and tells me I know it. They also tell me my behavior is not normal and I set a bad example for my younger siblings. They are offended by the fact that we are having sex, which they infer on their own and I don't feel is any of their business, especially considering my age. There have even been explosive arguments. One specific incident, I pushed my dad away from me in anger (I know I shouldn't have done that) and he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me towards the wall.

My boyfriend is extremely fed up with their behavior. I often call him to just vent about the situation, because he is a comfort to me when I am in pain. At first, he would take a neutral standpoint, or acknowledge their faults but remind me they love me. But recently, he has become increasingly resentful of my parents. After the neck-grabbing incident, he told me that my parents are bad people, that I'm experiencing abuse, that they show their love in twisted ways, and that he would come up to my house and handle the situation himself if he didn't think it would hurt my whole family.

I don't tell my parents his thoughts about them and I try not to get specific about their thoughts about him. But they both very clearly do not like each other. My dad says my boyfriend is a piece of shit for allowing me to stay at his house when he knows it's causing problems with my family. And that if he really cared about me, he would just tell me not to spend the night to get my parents to like him and to save me the fighting.

I feel so confused and stuck in the middle. It's hard for me to figure out is this relationship is really right for me with my parents over my shoulder all the time. I wonder if my dad is right, that my boyfriend really should not let me stay over when he knows it causes drama. And it worries my boyfriend that he told me they were bad people. Then again, I know bf is just feeling very protective of me and I appreciate his putting my needs and desires before my parents'. I was never a fan of the whole "courting" dynamic anyway, and feel I should be able to make my own decisions regarding relationships.

I love my parents a lot, and I love my boyfriend. I feel so upset that my parents' beliefs and behavior have made me unable to have a normal relationship. But at the same time, I wonder if my boyfriend is turning me away from them. I love them both and want them both in my life and I just want peace. I'm starting to wonder if that's even possible. I'm trying to move out asap, but I know this won't make them like each other. And I feel like even if I broke up with my current boyfriend, the same issues would arise if I dated someone else.

I am at a complete loss as to how to get through this. Any advice or wisdom to share with me would be greatly appreciated.

tldr; my very traditional parents are against premarital sex and although they tell me I can stay at my boyfriend's house overnight if I use my own resources to get there, they use and have used blackmailing, harassment, name-calling, and shaming to make me feel bad about doing it. My boyfriend believes this is abusive behavior and tells me they are bad people. I feel caught in the middle but love and want both of them in my life.

Submitted May 26, 2020 at 07:33PM by kes318 https://ift.tt/36yoh8d