My (31F) husband (31M) confessed to me that he has been abusing alcohol for nearly two years and has been actively hiding it from me.

Earlier this week my husband confessed to me without any provocation that he has a major drinking problem, and has for probably two years now. He said he's probably been drunk 5-6 nights out of the week for most of that time, and he wants my help recovering and getting sober.

Some background: We have been dating since we were both 18, and have been married for a little over 5 years. We have done a lot of growing and learning together as you're bound to do going through early adulthood together, but overall have had a very solid relationship based on a tight friendship over the years. One very much built on trust and respect. We've both consistently been interested in craft beer in particular and have drank recreationally since we were 21 or so. One of our favorite ways to spend time together has been visiting local breweries and restaurants. I myself actually work at a brewery / distillery in our home town, and he homebrews beer, cider, spirits etc. himself.

This is a pretty big shock to me because, while I have noticed occasionally "off" behavior from him during this time, I really had no idea this was happening since he's been doing such a good job hiding it from me (and probably built up quite a tolerance to alcohol so I didn't always notice him being drunk). Like I said, it's no surprise to see him drinking considering our hobbies / lifestyle, so perhaps that's part of why I've been missing everything going on. I still feel intense guilt about not noticing the issue myself so I could help him sooner. I feel like I must have been blind.

After his initial confession he offered to show me all the places in our house where he has been hiding alcohol from me, basically so he could sneak drinks while I wasn't looking or wasn't home. There were no less than six locations where he would consistently hide a handle of cheap liquor (usually vodka). He would either drink it straight or mix it with soda so I wouldn't suspect. I was horrified that I never noticed any of them before. He also handles our finances and I trusted him implicitly, so I was never going to notice an odd credit card charge or anything when he bought said bottles of liquor.

Our work schedules are also such that he goes into work about 7:00-4:00 and I work about 9:00-5:00 or later. So he almost always gets home before me, he admitted that nearly everyday after work before I got home he would drink something like 5-6oz of vodka mixed with soda before I even got there. Then we would usually drink something with dinner together so, more alcohol.

He says at first he did it just because he liked the buzz, and justified it since he "only drank after work and on weekends". He claims he was never drinking in the morning or before he had to drive anywhere. After a while it became a need to drink more just to feel 'normal', and says he's experienced some withdrawal symptoms like chest tightness when he's tried to stop on his own before. He says he never lasted more than a few days before going right back to it.

He's had a series of other health problems that I'm now pretty certain make sense when connected with his excessive drinking.

About a year ago I came here looking for advice about his chronic sleepwalking, which now I'm realizing was almost certainly connected to his drinking habit. Especially since we did end up going to a doctor and nothing conclusive was found as the cause. (Would link that thread, but seems to be against community rules).

Other than that he has very high blood pressure for his age, can be forgetful often, and has had issues within this timeframe performing during sex pretty often. Unfortunately these all make a lot more sense now, and I feel awful for not having connected the dots.

We've come to the conclusion that we need to remove alcohol entirely from our house, which will be a massive adjustment for both of us, if I'm honest. Being that I'm literally IN the alcohol industry (and basically at my dream job that I really don't want to leave), and I also enjoy drinking at home, we have a ridiculous amount of beer and liquor in the house, a kegerator, a slew of homebrew equipment, and tons of home decor from breweries etc. all that connect back to alcohol and I'm concerned could be triggering. We're working on giving away all our booze and equipment to friends that will use it.

He also ordered some self-help material off Amazon, and asked me to select and buy a breathalyzer which he told me to use on him every day so he can prove he's not been drinking. He also asked me to mark all of our liquor bottles (while they're waiting to be transferred to other friends) with a marker / line so I can see the liquid level to confirm nothing is mysteriously missing.

Based on all this I really want to believe he's had an epiphany and wants to turn things around, and I truly want to help him. Getting sober could really change his life for the better mentally and physically. I am however, finding it very difficult to not sink into feelings of anger. I feel like he's been lying to me this entire time, hiding secret liquor around the house, brushing off my previous suggestions that alcohol may be affecting his health regarding some of the conditions above. I'm paranoid he'll just find more creative ways to hide things outside of what he's already mentioned to me, should he ever relapse. I spent time searching other nooks and crannies in our house trying to find anything else he may have been hiding - I feel paranoid.

I've never felt like I couldn't trust him before, but I can't deny that things have changed.

So where do we go from here? Am I wrong to be angry? I don't want to this to mess up our relationship, but it's hard to believe he was capable of lying to me the way he has been for so long. How can this be repaired? Can it be?

TL;DR: Husband admitted to having a big drinking problem I had no idea about and has been hiding very well through lying and misdirection, but now wants my help getting sober. He has indicated he wants to change and seems to be taking action but I can't help but feel angry, guilty, and paranoid about everything going on. The foundation of trust is shaken and I'm feeling low and not sure where to go.

Submitted May 29, 2020 at 09:23AM by sleepwalkwife https://ift.tt/3ez1Br4