Tonight, I (35F) went through my voicemail inbox and deleted all of the voicemails left by my ex (35M). Throughout our 8 year relationship, he left me a number of super-cute voicemails, each of which I cherished and would occasionally listen to whenever I needed a pick-me-up.
We broke up two years ago on strange terms. In many ways, we had a great relationship full of love, honesty, passion, comfort, and intimacy. But we also became stagnant in terms of our personal goals. He realized this before I was willing to, and so he initiated the end of our relationship. His reason was because he needed to find himself and he needed to do it without me. As for me, I knew he was right but I was absolutely heartbroken and terrified. I knew I had my own stuff to work on, my own goals to focus on, but the thought of going through all of it without him made me sick. So we broke up, still in love with one another, but unable to make it work. I moved out of our apartment and moved back home with my parents.
After we ended it, we cut off contact. We both agreed it was too difficult to really be friends, at least for a while. But after six months, we started chatting every now and again. It was weird. We still clicked, still valued each other's opinions, still had the same emotional connection we always had.
Almost a year after we broke up, he told me that he was going to travel througn southeast Asia for an extended period of time. We decided to see each other before he left. It was a mistake.
I visited him in the apartment we once shared together. Everything in the apartment was different now - the fengsui, the furniture, the decor. We went out for dinner and drinks and had a great time. When we came back to the apartment, we ended up having sex, and I spent the night in the bed that used to be ours but was now his and his alone. In his sleep, he reached for me and held me tight. In his sleep, he told me he loved me (he did this a lot in his sleep when we were together; back then, it made me feel so loved and lucky). The next morning, he walked me to the train station and kissed me sweetly before leaving.
I'm not a complete idiot - part of me knew that this was it, this was our last time. Still, this encounter encouraged me to hold on to the idea of "Us." For a long time, I continued to believe that there was a chance for us to pick things up where we had left off. But little by little throughout 2019, it became clear that the idea of us getting back together was an impossible fantasy.
In October, we spoke on the phone for the first time since I had spent that night in the bed we once shared. He was so cold, so disconnected from me. My stupid, love-sick heart caught up with my brain, and I realized pretty quickly how foolish I was to hold onto this relationship.
Once I realized this, I started to see how much of my life was still being governed by the idea that we would one day get back together. I started to crawl out of it, and I'm now actively focusing on looking forward and living my life for myself and only myself. Part of this process has been to clear my life of old mementos that are tied to him. For example, I've donated many of the gifts he gave to me during our relationship.
But one thing I was holding onto was the voicemails he used to leave me. For the past two years, I guarded these voicemails like a dragon defending its gold - until tonight. Tonight, I deleted all of his old voicemails, including the first one he ever left for me - a message I held onto for a decade, a message I had sworn to myself I would never delete. And yet I deleted it.
It feels very meaningful to me to have done this. I can't say that I'm completely unburdened now or even that my load feels lighter. But it feels like a healthy step forward.
TL;DR - I've been having a hard time getting over my ex. Tonight I deleted the cute voicemails he used to leave me.
Submitted January 04, 2020 at 12:09AM by StarFishAreEvil https://ift.tt/35nUFbF
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