This got lengthy. I have a lot of feelings and I think I need some insights. Had to post a couple of times because I can't read but TL;DR at the bottom.
Background: I (25F) have lived with my parents for all but 7 months of my life where I moved out temporarily to live with an ex. Two years before moving out, when I was 20 years old, I very much wanted a cat. My parents were against it - I campaigned for months to get traction on the issue, the main obstacle being that everyone in the house, including myself, is veeeeery verrrry slightly allergic to cats. Not enough to not get a cat, but certainly enough that you know there's a cat in the house. We have owned cats before. I suggested getting a Sphynx cat, which I was very enthusiastic about, got shot down and then I finally locked in on a pure bred Siamese from a local breeder, pitched it as a birthday present, and then was finally able to bring home Quincy, the kitty.
At the time my parents already had 2 boxers, an older dog and a younger dog. The family home is 3bd/4ba home with plenty of space for all of these animals to coexist peacefully though there was an instance when first bringing the kitten home that the younger dog raised up on her hind legs and tried to pull Quincy out of my arms by the tail. This disturbed me greatly and, while there have been no other incidents, I haven't been comfortable with this particular dog since, even less so since the older dog has passed.
For the first two years the litter was kept in my room, I took on all expenses for the cat including vet visits, food, litter, kitty insurance, toys - the works. In my situation my brother works at a local pet store and receives a discount - he makes the purchases, sends me a reimbursement request through a popular money exchange app, and I send the money.
My father wakes up very early naturally, between 4am and 5am daily, and will routinely feed all of the animals together and give each a scoop of wet food - the dog so that she will take her medication, and the cats so that they don't feel left out. My parents also go to bed very early as well, Quincy will sleep in the bed with them though routinely wakes and walks the home over the course of the night.
So, picture this - I'm young, I'm dating a guy, there's not always a great energy in my home (especially during this time in my life when my father was unemployed, resentful, and actively aggressive about it) so I spend a lot of time between work and my social life NOT in my house. I still have the sole responsibility of financially supporting the cat, I am still the only person cleaning and maintaining the litter, and I do still spend a significant amount of time at home and with the cat, but I don't think I could be described as living there full time.
I knew that she was about to start something when she started buying expensive things for Quincy without consulting me first and undermining what I knew about the cat. Any comment I made was immediately corrected in a 'Well, actually~' sort of way and it was very clear to me that, despite not even wanting the cat and despite the conversations we'd had before getting the cat that she would be my responsibility for the duration of her whole kitty lifetime, my mother had bonded with the cat.
When I moved out (literally down the street, I was two miles away from her) I took the cat with me after a long and arduous battle. She cried hysterically and stressed our relationship constantly, offering to buy me another cat, implying that she loved the cat more than I did, that I didn't know the cat, that I was incapable of taking care of the cat - I felt like she was throwing literally every single thing that she could at me to try and throw me off balance. It was incredibly overwhelming but I stood my ground - I didn't get a cat frivolously and she is my responsibility.
Shockingly, over the seven months that I lived outside of the home Quincy did not die and adjusted normally to her new home though it was clear she had a preference to me over my ex.
When visiting my home my mother would bypass me completely and run straight to the cat, weeping and clutching at her. I guess this is where I started to turn bitter about the situation - it felt like she had clearly chosen the cat over me and I realized that, through all of her demands and muscling in, she never asked me how I felt about her trying to take my cat. I felt like I was just expected to listen and not speak, and that any critique of her reasoning was offensive.
It had always been my intention to get a second cat once I moved out, I felt like Quincy was a social cat and used to having animals in the home and that bringing in another animal would be beneficial to her. My ex and I did a ton of research, looked around very long and hard, and then adopted a 3 month old rescue, Pablo, who is much shyer and less open than Quincy. LIttle baby had worms, ring worm, and ear infections when we got him. Once again, the cat clearly did not die - I took all the necessary steps and purchased and distributed all of his antibiotics on the right schedule, checked his little poopies for worms (which - holy shit oh my god a nightmare I do not recommend) and nursed to 100%.
During this time I asked if she would consider watching the cat (and later cats) over the course of two separate vacations that we took. I did this specifically because I thought it would be the best solution for all involved, she would get to spend time with Quincy and I wouldn't have to pay for a pet sitter.
My ex and I broke up - I was devastated and had no where to go except for my childhood home two miles down the road. Over the next four months I revamped my life - new energy, new people, new job. I now work in a city an hour away - I wake up at 6am, leave my house a little before 8am, board a train, switch trains, arrive to work by 9, work until 6, train, switch train to back home, walk back through the door around 7pm. I've more than doubled my income, increased my financial independence, and have finally established a career in this role and it's been a lot of work. It has put me out of the house for 11 hours a day, five days a week. She works closer to home but holds similar hours. My father, unemployed or working far outside of his field, was home with frequency. My brother, also working very local with a flexible schedule, is also home often and, while I can't imagine he really cares what happens to the cats, I mention it because my mother mentions it when she insists that the cats will be lonely if I take them.
After commuting by train for several months to be home every night my mother grew tired of picking me up from the train station and requested that I find a different way to get home that wasn't dependent on her. I started spending more time at my current boyfriend's house because he lived closer to my place of work. We split our time roughly 50/50 between sleeping at his home and sleeping at my home.
He and I are moving in together in two weeks and, once again, she started by purchasing expensive things for the cats without consulting me and attempting to corner me, my boyfriend, and our other family members on the issue to gain traction. I have one sister that I vent to that seems to be very clearly on my side, and my boyfriend is obviously supportive of me in whatever ways he can be, but everyone else has insisted on neutrality.
We are now almost exactly 1 year from when I moved back in.
OKAY, THE ACTUAL ISSUE:
My mother's perspective:
She feels like she's been doing a lot of emotional and manual labor for the cats. She originally wanted both of them and for me to start from scratch with two new cats, that she has offered to pay for, which I hastily declined, and then she attempted to compromise by asking just to keep Quincy and give me $600 for a new pure bred. She feels connected with Quincy and, moreover, it seems like she feels like I don't love Quincy 'enough' or at least, certainly not as much as she does. I asked her to her face if it would be damaging to our relationship if I kept the cat and she said yes. She says that she was devastated the last time I took Quincy. She doesn't want to relocate the cats, thinking that it would be stressful for them to re-acclimate to another home. She believes that they would miss the remaining dog, and that the remaining dog would be lonely and miss them as well. She's never said so directly but I also believe she doesn't think that I'm responsible enough to care for them because, up until this point, I have not been physically present enough to maintain their food and water. If I had to sum up my mother's arguments I would say she's coming from an emotional place and truly believes that this is the best option.
She says if I had 0 cats I could travel and stay out and party as much as I wanted without having to worry! That if I travel with the cats at home I'm being irresponsible and I won't be able to take weekend trips.
My perspective:
Where I'm moving my commute will go from 1hr+ to 15 minutes. I won't be living out of a backpack without a car (I have a car - I make all the payments on the car and allow my father to use it without restriction when I am not at home) I'll be actually founded and establishing myself in my new adult life.
My mother has given away 3 other animals in her lifetime - 2 cats when we moved states within the US in my youth, and a dog before I was born in bizarrely similar situation where she had asked my aunt to look after her dog, my aunt fell in love with the dog, and my mother surrendered the dog. During the part of his life that my father was unemployed she spoke really frequently of downsizing the home, feeling frustrated in her relationship to the point of potentially asking my father to leave the home.
She has not followed through on that and my father has a potential job lined up in the next few weeks - but that kinda brings me to my other point that this has been one income house for a while now and she has not HAD to purchase anything for either cat, any purchases that she's made have been independent and non-essential (like upgrading the litter box to an automatic litter box, which wasn't ideal for me because they're bulkier, harder to disguise, and less green friendly. But she didn't ask me.) She makes more money than me by a large margin, but also has significantly more expenses than I do. She would obviously take on the insurance for Quincy and all the food and care costs, but I'm not sure if that is the best financial decision for her. My brother will eventually move out of the home and my father will eventually (maybe) get a new job with more usual hours, so the argument that there's more people there is thin.
The remaining dog is 6 years old and she's a gorgeous dog that is maybe a little below average intelligence that loves to run and play. Any time I try to play with the cats she will bumble in and trample around trying to catch the feathers fishing pole and I have to stop playing to let her calm down or she'll ruin the toys or potentially hurt the cats the she outweighs significantly. Most of the time I have to put down cat toys and pick up dog toys and focus on her because she's much larger and more demanding. They have a large fenced in back yard where she is free to run and roam but they do not walk her regularly.
The main issue that I've actually spoken to her on has been the issue of the dog - that I don't think that the best thing for the dog that they've already had for years to be living life this way. Especially after already losing her sister, she's used to cohabitation with another dog, playing with another dog, sleeping next to another dog. I suggested that maybe she look into rescuing a dog and improving the quality of life of her actual pet.
She's insisted that the dog WOULD NOT like another dog, that the dog is perfectly fine with just the cat as a companion, that they play together, and that the dog's quality of life is perfectly adequate.
She has never, to my knowledge, been present for the passing of one of her pets. My sister, my father, and I were all sitting on the ground with the previous dog when she passed and, to my understanding, my mother had refused to leave work to be present at the vet's because she knew that it would upset her and she actively chose not to go. I'm grateful that as many people that were there were able to comfort the dog before she passed but the idea that she would actively chose to not be there doesn't sit well with me - makes me feel like if I did leave the cat with her I'd be condemning her to a lonely and uncomfortable death.
My mother adamant that she will never get another dog again, that once the current dog passes it will be the last dog of her life because she can't stand to lose them. I suggested adopting from a shelter (I actually have a friend that works at a local shelter that knows the dog in question, I've asked her to keep an eye out for other animals that she thinks would be compatible) because I feel that it would give a nice home to a dog in the age range of our current dog and their timelines will be more synced and pass closer together in old age.
She will not hear of it, she will not entertain it, whenever I bring up any other dogs she behaves very vapidly and refuses to acknowledge why I'm bringing it up.
In her mind if she does not get to keep this cat she will never have a pet again, that Quincy is her Baby.
As her actual baby I'm feeling very stressed about the intentional strain she's put on our relationship and I'm even more frustrated that we're having this conversation AGAIN, and it makes me feel like clearly in the future if I'm ever in trouble or need help I can't turn to my parents because she'll try to take my cat again.
But I don't know, I don't really understand what's going on and I feel very overwhelmed and everyone I want to talk to has had a very hands-off policy when it comes to this issue. I feel that my brother and father are on her side, especially as they spend the most time in the house and probably have the perspective that they have been nurturing and caring for the cat for a year and that she should stay in the home with the person that clearly 'loves her the most' and that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate but not entertaining her. She's obviously going to cry and be very upset, she'll tear up just thinking about it, and I am genuinely concerned that if I say to her firmly that I'm keeping the cat she will escalate in some sort of way. We can't even be in the same room together right now without her trying to bring it up and pressure me to give her the cat.
Am I being unreasonable? I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable - but also this clearly isn't an argument of reason to her. Is she overstepping? Am I? Thinking about it too hard gives me a headache - I love my mother and I don't have a great relationship with my father so if feels like if she escalates this the way I think she will I'm going to lose that part of my family and she'll use this to barb at me for the rest of her life.
TL;DR: I financially and on paper own two cats that have been living with my mother while I've been trying to get my life started. Life is starting and she doesn't want the cats to leave - willing to compromise to keep her favorite cat but I don't want to give up either of my cats.
EDIT: The way that I worded "Over the next four months I revamped my life - new energy, new people, new job." seems to be confusing and I wanted to clarify - I did all of that living at home and working 5min away in a profession I was very dissatisfied in. It was just a situation of recovering from a breakup with the usual evolution from crying and sleeping to self improvement to genuine contentment. After four months I got the new job in a city far away but was still home every night until she asked me to find a different travelling situation which is when I switched to rotating my sleeping situation.
Submitted January 29, 2020 at 08:38AM by beevicious https://ift.tt/38R2DMe
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