My husband has been in a downward spiral for the past month. He missed our anniversary. I calmly said no big deal, we’ve got a month to make up for it. He never did. He got really distant, physically, emotionally, etc. He stopped looking me in the eye, touching me, our sex life got weird and non existent. He started making promises he wouldn’t keep. He became obsessed with having a baby (I actually want one, some day, but not now.) We were already on thin ice because he is in a trial period- he is one year sober and one year out from infidelity. He promised to make it up to me and be a great husband, fix things, etc. He has fixed some things but not much. He got a mental health evaluation and found out he has serious bipolar disorder with dissociative episodes and severe depression and anxiety. He complies with the doctors and takes his meds like he should and in that area MANY things are better. However, he won’t go to counseling.
Anyhow, in the last month was our anniversary, my mother died, one of our kids was in the hospital for an extended stay several hours away, we missed Christmas, etc. Just total chaos. Something we identified early on was that holidays, special days, tragedy and unusual stress just cause him to tailspin out of control. So I’ve offered to skip my birthday, our anniversary, etc. He said no. I ended up carryjng him through this past month. In return, he has been screaming at me, avoiding me, just dropping me and then kicking me when I’m down. We haven’t talked or spent time together. He’s even stopped kissing me. There have been a lot of lies.
Due to the dissociation, addiction and infidelity, I have full access and control of his phone. With his permission. There are things he asks me not to do on there and I respect those requests. I remotely monitor everything else. One thing he asks me to leave alone is his journal. I never read it.
Last night, finally just very very concerned about his tailspin, I asked if I could read it. He said yes, then said no. Then said yes and handed it to me. Every single day (it’s in calendar form) is marked HORRIBLE and all he says underneath is “everyone blames everything on me” or “everyone says everything is my fault” or “everyone is being so mean to me.” There have been a LOT of really bad decisions on his part recently. But never in his journal is “lost my temper today” or “lied today” or anything like that. It was literally 100% “poor me”. I scoffed and sighed and handed it back and he got really upset. He said I made him feel like a failure. He felt like I was laughing at him. I told him I was sorry, that I was just disappointed by the lack of accountability.
All this time I thought he knew what he was doing was wrong and was working on it. Now I’m thinking I’ve wasted the last year and he might never be able to change. I’m not sure where to go from here. Does anyone have words of wisdom for me?
TL;DR Mentally ill husband’s diary shows no accountability and blames everyone else. He doesn’t want counseling but does take meds. Not sure where to go from here.
Submitted January 02, 2020 at 03:02PM by ThtCaviarIsAGARNISH https://ift.tt/35odnzz
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