Kind of a long backstory, apologies in advance. I dated my ex for 4 months. When we started dating, I knew he was polyamorous. I know people who are polyamorous and it's not a new concept to me -- I was comfortable with it and thought I might like to have the option to form relationships with other people while I was with him as well. He does not have any other partners, save for a person he sees around once a year who lives in a different city. He wanted me to be his anchor partner, which is kind of like your prioritized partner if that makes sense.
Things started out really great -- we were really head over heels. I don't fall in love very easily but something just felt right with him and we were really happy.
He invited me to go to this festival in the summer -- which I really resisted, because I have two jobs and taking the time off was going to be a little rough on my finances. I live alone and support myself at an office job and a part time retail job. He lives with his family and is a student. I was also nervous because the festival was a few hours outside of town and neither of us drive -- he had a ride already with friends, and told me I could find a ride with strangers on this facebook group. He encouraged me to take the time off and go anyway because I deserve to have fun, so I finally did.
Over text we were chatting about it and myself getting a tent for the festival. I asked why I wouldn't just sleep in his, and he said he would be seeing someone else at the festival. Suddenly I realized I was going to be all alone at this thing, not knowing anyone, while my boyfriend was dating/hooking up with another girl. We had a fight about it, and I didn't end up going at all. He later conceded that the whole thing was poorly handled by him, and I forgave him -- but this was when I started to realize that polyamory -- or at least the way he practiced polyamory -- might not be a good fit for me.
Fast-forward a few months. We spent an evening together, went for dinner with his siblings, and went back to my place. The lights were off and I was literally falling asleep at the very end of the night -- and he says that he needs to tell me something. He explains that he ran into the same girl from the festival while out with friends a few nights ago, went on a sort of impromptu date and kissed her. He says he's a bit anxious about how he's going to make time for both of us if it goes anywhere, but that I am his priority. I don't really know what to do with this information at this point -- it's the middle of the night, and I have to work early the next morning, so I tell him something like "ok" but I know he could tell I wasn't enthusiastic.
The next day at work, I did a lot of thinking about myself and the relationship. I realized that every time I was presented with an opportunity to date other people, I wasn't even remotely interested -- regardless of how interesting or attractive I found them. I couldn't choose to be polyamorous, and I was always going to feel unfulfilled in a relationship with someone who was dating other people. As much as I know about polyamory, I know there's a part of me that would always feel like I wasn't enough for the person, even just by the very nature of them being polyamorous. I should also mention that my ex is very busy socially and with art-related pursuits and school, and could rarely make time for me as it was. I couldn't imagine him having another partner who actually lived in town -- and still being satisfied with even less time with him. I talked to my closest friends about it, and most of them said it didn't sound like this was the type of relationship I really wanted. I would also like to move in with a partner eventually -- and I couldn't imagine being okay with him bringing other girls home to our bed. I decided I needed to face this sooner rather than later, I couldn't keep pretending everything was okay when I wasn't happy and couldn't picture a future where I was happy.
I know that some polyamorous people can be in monogamous relationships, so I met with him the next day and asked him if this was a possibility for him. He'd always said we had this incredible connection he'd never experienced, and I felt the same way, so I wanted to know if it would be possible in his mind. He said that he felt it would be a mediocre relationship because he'd still have feelings for other people. I said that I understood, and he shouldn't force himself to be in a monogamous relationship if it would be unfulfilling any more than I should force myself to be in a polyamorous relationship. I explained my realization that I needed a monogamous relationship, and after lots of crying and long silences and holding each other, we broke up and parted ways.
It's the aftermath of this that I don't understand. We've talked a couple of times. He is angry with me -- and says I didn't put in the work. He said that my trying to be in a polyamorous relationship doesn't count for anything if I couldn't make it happen. He has commented that I can't adapt or take things as they come -- he makes me feel closed-minded and small. But I understand that he is polyamorous and that it's totally valid, and I truly just believe we have different needs.
He says that everyone feels like I do at first, but I needed to be more dedicated to learning and go to workshops with him. I think I know myself well enough to know what I need in a relationship, and I don't need to educated otherwise. But I won't say that his reaction hasn't caused me some self-doubt. I do sometimes wonder if I made the right decision -- but mostly, it just feels like he's pressing me to work harder to meet his needs, but he won't even acknowledge my needs as legitimate.
He says he wants to keep in touch, and I would really like to be friends because he's a person I care very deeply about -- but the couple of times I've tried to talk to him, he ghosts me or is very short with me. I asked him if he wanted to go No Contact, but he says no. We haven't really done a good job of giving each other closure, so I asked if he wanted to meet and talk about it now that we've had some time to process. He told me he has a fear of conflict and doesn't want to meet.
Whatever we're doing doesn't feel like friendship, and I really just want it to be over at this point. I don't know what else I can do to pursue any real closure, or some kind of amicable end. Is there anything else I can say? Should I just delete his number and social media and move on, as much as I don't want to? Should I have worked harder or been more open-minded to his needs?
I think I'm just looking for some outside insight. I really appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Tl;dr: I began a relationship with a polyamorous partner. Realized I am monogamous after 4 months and we broke up. He is angry and blames me for not trying harder, and I feel hurt and disregarded while simultaneously anxious that I didn't do the right thing. Where to go from here?
Submitted September 24, 2019 at 10:36AM by moldymel https://ift.tt/2mR3qKt
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