I love my partner of 11 months and I believe he loves me, but the same problem comes up all the time. I’ve never been to his home nor met his family.
He told me he was divorced pretty early on in dating. They divorced 3-4 years ago. We’re both under 30. It was about a 1-1.5 year romance total. He felt guilt about being the one to end it and his parents, I guess, judged him for it. He’s an only child and they spent some money on it and they felt “embarrassed” telling their friends about the divorce. I’ve told him how much it means to me to be a part of all aspects of his life. My family is very open and friendly. I know his parents would love me, but He says he doesn’t want to push it. He says they know about us, but it hurts to think that they don’t want to meet their only child’s significant other. We’ve talked about marriage and kids but his actions don’t add up. Going to his house is symbolic to me because it means he could trust me.
It’s hurt for a while and I think it took me some time to realize that it probably doesn’t have to do with me but rather him. He still holds on to the hurt and shame of the divorce. I get that, but it hurts to be told by someone that they want to spend their life with you but still let’s the hurt/shame from a previous relationship greatly affect the current one. I want so badly for my love to be enough for him to move on but I’m realizing it’s not up to me.
At this point, I’m wondering if it’s worth me staying. No improvements have been made, no baby steps made, for him to grow out of this funk. I can’t keep holding on to the maybes and the breadcrumbs of hope.
I know I deserve a person who is proud to be with me and actively tries to improve in areas that he knows needs improvement.
I just want to hear your advice. Any young divorcees who feel his pain? Anyone out there’s who’s tried to solve other people’s problem to no avail?
Thanks friends.
Tl;dr Boyfriend of 11 months won’t invite me to home or meet family because of divorce shame. Do I end it now or try to be sensitive?
EDIT:
ok.
For the longest time I didn’t understand. Then I found out his house was in his ex wife’s name. I discovered her current address what at a different address (a few blocks away). I approached him with this info. He said it was true because he had bad credit when they were looking for a house and she put it in her name. “And she lives in the same neighborhood? Is that why I haven’t been over? Are you afraid she’ll be hurt?” “That’s part of the reason but not the main one. I just talked to her on the phone today about a law question (he’s a lawyer) for her family member.” “So you’re still on good terms?” I was led to believe she was really hurt and her family didn’t like him after the divorce. So I was surprised. He still wouldn’t tell me why exactly why he wouldn’t let me over. Another month goes by and we fight again and we’re on the verge of breaking up because he can’t even tell me why. He said it hurts too much and is shameful. The next day he comes over and unprompted asks me, “if I tell you why would that help?” “Yes, I just want to know you trust me and I feel like once you tell me then you will be able to heal.” You know like voicing something out loud can help diminish it’s power over you. So he told me that he failed the Bar (law exam) test the first time and that he found out he passed the second one while we were a month or two into our relationship. So he did lie about “being a lawyer” although he was working at a law firm. Why he failed his first bar exam? He was dealing with the guilt of the divorce. Stayed home, gained some weight, didn’t study, became antisocial, and told me he would have meaningless casual, sex. Sure that wasn’t the greatest thing to hear but I was just so happy he told me and trusted me with that dark secret (that I feel awful for sharing now with all of you, despite the throwawayname).
He doesn’t feel comfortable in the house he’s living in. It hosts bad memories for him.
I tell him to move out, but he says he doesn’t want to move everything twice because we talked about moving into a place together (probably in the next 6-12 months). But I’d rather him be at ease in his home and I’m not ready to move in with him.
So no, I don’t think he is living with another woman/person. But he is one of those people who carries guilt in a way to atone for the hurt they caused. This is the key problem I want him to overcome. I know he needs therapy. He used to go. But things are so busy with him working and traveling to see his friends who live abroad and spending time with me.
It hurts that healing and getting over this is not a priority for him because it means that I’m not a priority.
TL;dr He told me why I can’t go over and I believe him but it still hurts he doesn’t try harder to heal.
Submitted February 01, 2019 at 06:51PM by sweetfrog21 http://bit.ly/2RzfoSP
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