My boyfriend Chris and I have been together for about four and a half years. Our relationship was great for about the first year and a half, but we have struggled since. We had some normal bumps and adjustments, like moving after I graduated from grad school and getting used to a new city and new life, but the main problem time and again is Chris' insecurity.
Chris is so, so deeply insecure that it affects every interaction we have. He has always been insecure and jealous, but in the beginning when we were in our honeymoon phase and spent all our time together, it was less apparent. It's been outrageous since we moved a year ago. If I look away from him when we're in public he thinks I'm looking at a man to cheat on him with. If I look at my phone he thinks I'm texting or sexting a mystery person. He calls me in a panic if I don't respond to his text right away while we're both at work. I've caught him going through my phone twice, and who knows how many times I didn't catch him. He thinks every man who talks to me is in love with me or that I'm in love with him.
I've never cheated on Chris or anyone, and I barely talk to any men besides coworkers, my dad, and my brother. I've never been a woman who has a lot of male friends, but I think it's a huge red flag that he discourages me from having ANY male friends.
Six months ago, I was out with some friends and decided to see a movie. I was still within the hours I said I'd be gone, it was just rainy so we decided to do something indoors instead of outdoors. His anxiety and insecurity decided that I'd lied (saying I was going to do something outside but it was now raining) and he called me 41 times during the first HOUR of the movie while my phone was off. He then called our phone company and REPORTED MY PHONE STOLEN because, in his crazed anxiety brain, that this would prevent me from somehow having the affair he was sure I was having. So when the movie was over, my phone wouldn't work and I couldn't call him anyway. When I got home he was hysterical, demanding to see my phone, and interrogating me like a terrorist.
It was bad. It went on for almost 18 hours. He would not calm down and wouldn't let me sleep. When I had time to compose myself, I told him that I'd let this go on for too long and it needed to stop immediately. His anxiety and insecurity had made him controlling and borderline abusive, and I refused to spend my life being punished because he can't control himself. I gave him an ultimatum: you have six months to find a therapist, start therapy, and show a commitment to improvement, or that's the end.
I am sure people will think I'm being too lenient but I struggled with anxiety in high school and I know it isn't something that you can learn to control in a day. I really love Chris and wanted him to get help.
Long story short, the last six months has been somewhat better anxiety-wise, but I have watched every day as he has failed to follow up on finding therapy. I haven't reminded him or nagged him; this is not my problem to fix. Yesterday was our six month deadline, and I told him I'm leaving him, and that I'd be staying at my friend's house while he collected some things and found a place to stay (we live in my house. I know this isn't the legal eviction process, but I wasn't kicking him out, just informally asking him to leave before I had to evict him).
He predictably has gone nuts, saying I should've reminded him, should've helped him find a therapist, that I knew how hard this was for him and for me to 'go silent' about it for six months and expect him to do ALL the work was unfair, etc. I told him at the start that I needed buy-in from him to get therapy and for him to show me he can and will take control of his mental health. I'm at my friend's house and he has called and texted me over a hundred times since yesterday, about half accusing me of 'giving up on him' and half accusing me of being with another man and just wanting 'an excuse.'
Am I being cold? Am I being unfair? Should I have been reminding him of what he said he'd do for the last six months? I am heartbroken because I do love the person he is when his anxiety isn't in control, but that person doesn't exist without his out-of-control anxiety.
TL;DR: I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum six months ago, and he failed to hold up his end of the bargain, so I left him. He is now saying that I should have helped him more and that I'm being unfair.
Submitted February 01, 2019 at 11:34PM by PopularWolverine http://bit.ly/2BbMId1
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