I appreciate the comments and advice I received from this community, it was difficult for me post about because I harbor a large amount of shame on the subject (as I probably should).
About two days after the post I felt incredibly awful about the situation, so against "Gregg's" wishes, I went to stay at a friends house to try and clear my head. I expressed that the stay was "indefinite" but the separation only lasted about a week before I came back (turns out the holidays is not a great time to make major changes).
Nevertheless, during that week I found a therapist within my price range and my insurance will cover the first couple sessions starting in mid January. I am tentatively hopeful that I can get comfortable with her and start to work through the issues that contribute to my bad behavior. Gregg is adamant, that once I feel comfortable and with her recommendation, he would like to come in for some appointments, so we can try and work through this together. Additionally, he is going to attend a meeting for the support group I've been in for quite awhile in an attempt to better understand some of the challenges I'm facing.
Honestly, I don't know what the fuck I ever did to deserve such a empathetic and patient person in my life. I am really grateful he is so determined to stick by me, but I am still worried his patience for me isn't healthy for him. I didn't mention this in the OP, but Gregg has been steadily in therapy since a traumatic event during his childhood. I believe that is a major contributor to why he is so well-adjusted and emotionally mature. His balanced nature was one of the things that drew me to him.
I quit drinking as of January 1st (so four days in . . .whoo) in an effort to curb some of my behaviors while we're in the early stages of trying to solve this. It's still in the back of my mind that if I don't get myself under some semblance of control and make noticeable progress within the next couple weeks/months and if I have an ugly outburst, I will make the executive decision to leave and continue to try and improve myself on my own. That's easier said than done.
Thank you for providing me a place to safely get my feelings out and the honest commentary on an extremely difficult topic. Good luck in 2019, I hope your all your relationships are mutual and healthy.
TL;DR I moved out, then moved right back in. I am scheduled to begin therapy and continue to attend my support group, and quit drinking in hopes of making progress with Gregg's support. Outlook: hopeful.
Submitted January 04, 2019 at 08:29AM by InternalCookie2 http://bit.ly/2C178W1
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