My fiancé and I have been living together for 2 years. We recently got engaged in early September (yay).
My fiancé ’s parents (FIL 70s and MIL 60s) live abroad. They live on retirement money (approx. $1k each month between the two of them). They are staying at a relative’s apartment where they are not required to pay rent. They use their retirement money to pay for food and other miscellaneous living costs. Both of them don’t work, and according to them they don’t have a lot of savings or anywhere to go.
About a year ago, FIL asked us if he could crash at our place for 2-3 months while he looked for jobs in the US. He would rather work than stay at home doing nothing. Unfortunately, the country FIL and MIL live in has a lot of age discrimination. He decided to try to return to the states (FIL is a US citizen, MIL is not). This seemed reasonable. If FIL didn’t get a job, he’d return home to MIL and they’d reassess the entire situation. If FIL was successful, both parents could move to the States and start a new life here. We were waiting for an update on when he would be arriving and details on the logistics.
Unfortunately, the details never came, because the plan was gone. The plan had changed to FIL trying to make it in the States to MIL and FIL settling in the US permanently. As far as I knew, there was no “plan” anymore. This worried me. As a perpetual planner, I found this pseudo-plan to be chock full of risks, if not somewhat illogical. They said they would both live with us while FIL looked for a job, but we all knew a job was not guaranteed. When I asked what the long term plan was, they seemed confused and looked at me with a blank stare. My heart sank when I realized: they assumed I was okay with them living with us for the foreseeable future. Forever.
I felt so uncomfortable in that moment. I also felt a bit taken advantage of. At least for the moment, I make more money than my fiance and I am a giving person. I do realize that I should’ve said something in that moment, but I was so very uncomfortable. Shortly after, I shared my concerns with my fiance. F said “It’s too late. They’re already looking forward to growing old here, I can't ruin that for them.” “Growing old with us?” I asked. He nodded. “It’ll be fun. They’re not bad people. I know you’re afraid, but they’re laid back and wouldn’t do anything to hurt or annoy you.” I cried myself to sleep that night. I felt so trapped. I felt like my F didn’t even consider how I would feel, nor did his parents.
Recently, fiance and I had been looking at houses together. MIL and FIL completely inserted themselves into the whole process. Even at this point, no one had directly asked me if it was alright for them to spend forever with us. MIL is saying things like “Wow! Fido (their dog) will love roaming in this garden” or “We can sip coffee outside on the porch, how wonderful!” While her excitement increased, mine dropped exponentially. I didn't feel like it was fair for them to dictate where we lived if they weren't chipping in a cent. We would be paying the mortgage or rent, but they still continued to be choosy. “Oh, we don’t like that one…we want this one”...etc.
Finally, the other day, I confronted Fiance again and put my foot down. I proposed two alternatives: we rent them a studio or small 1-bedroom nearby so they could maintain their independence. The second plan was they live with us max 2 years and they have to move out once they can get on their feet. In retrospect, I can foresee the latter being a failure. It would probably be easy for them to manipulate us/me into letting them stay longer than that once they’re already under our roof.
I'm frustrated because I'm being portrayed as a monster that wants my in-laws to be homeless (not the case). When my fiance told them of my concerns, they were surprisingly understanding. We were finally happy they had come to their senses. “We completely understand. We’ll stay put in the country we’re in and figure something out on our own.” They seemed to be genuine. Although I felt guilty, I was somewhat relieved. Fiance and I started looking for homes that were more cozy and within our price range. We had been looking for 3+ bedrooms to accommodate his parents, which are pricier (they sleep in separate rooms). The next day, they apparently e-mailed him expressing how disappointed and hurt they were. Sorry for the long post. If you read this far, thank you. This issue has started to take a toll on our relationship and daily lives and I'm at a loss as to what to do. Should I feel guilty for not supporting them financially?
TL;DR: MIL and FIL want to move in with us (girl and fiance, both 20s). I think this is a horrible idea. My in-laws don't make any money and haven't saved. They expect us to support them financially and live with them forever. Fiance is on parents’ side and has a hard time saying no. When we confronted them they said they were OK with it. They later e-mailed fiance to express their dissatisfaction. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks so much!
Submitted October 02, 2018 at 10:23AM by blueberry_throwaway https://ift.tt/2P3gDco
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