I am 28 f, my sister we will call k, 31 f. My dad, 53 m. His girlfriend we will call B, 51 f. My sister and I have different moms. Her mom isn't around much these days, and my mom died in 2017.
When I was a kid, my dad was married to a woman who we will call G. She was very abusive to him and to my sister and I. I won't go in detail but they ended up in a nasty divorce. Shortly after separating from her, my dad met B. Because we had so many problems with this ex-wife G, my sister, K, and I tried hard to form a good relationship with her. This was in 2017, shortly before my mom died. A few months in B started sending group texts to me, K and my dad's parents in the middle of the night asking who had a place for S to sleep, cause they were fighting and he had to go. We started to notice a bit of an unhealthy pattern but still tried to keep the peace. Right after my mom died, I stayed the night at my dad's apartment. B texted my dad saying how she didn't care about people who put drugs above their children (my mom died of an OD), this really bugged me, but I never said anything to her and just moved on. The cycle of B group texting us continues - she asks K to come pick up our dad. Meanwhile, our dad is telling K he is fine and she doesn't need to come get him. B got mad at K for not coming to get our dad. As time goes by K allowed her kids to go stay with our dad and B a few times. One time, the two girls got into Bs jewelry box, and B got mad and said they couldn't come over anymore. Another time, Ks son was potty training, peed on the floor at Bs house and she forced him and my dad to leave her house. They sat in a Walmart parking lot for hours because K was asleep, and it was hours before the time they agreed to meet for K to take her son home. These two instances really soured Ks feelings towards B. Our dad would show up at Ks door and stay the night when he would fight w B. Then go home back to B after a day or two. Fast forward to 2020, pandemic. Our dad told K to buy this mini van as she needed a large car. K bought it, but the DMV was not seeing people. She had to mail all the paperwork to get the van titled and registered. Weeks went by and the van sat at our dad and Bs house. One day our dad texted K and said that him and B had been fighting and she was complaining about the van being there. Shortly after that B started texting my sister saying that the town had sent her a letter that she would be fined if the van didn't move because they have an ordinance against untagged vehicles. K agreed to go get the car but that day was one of her kids birthdays. B would not drop it and K ended up dragging 4 kids in the rain, on one of their birthdays, to get the car. K was mad, we were in the height of the pandemic, DMVs were closed, and it was 70 miles one way to pick up the van. B texts our dad calling K the C word. Our dad screenshotted this and send it to K. K then texts B and says "I got the van now leave me the fuck alone" B and K argue back and forth and K tells B "kiss my ass" K did some research and found out that there was never a letter, never any impending fines. She got this in writing from the town and showed our dad. It was obvious that B was just mad at our dad and took it out on K. From then on K and B never got along. I tried to be a mediator, I was still being nice to B and allowing her to spend time with my son. Then early 2021 was my son's 2nd birthday. Both K and B are supposed to be there. So, my dad suggested they meet nearby before the party to talk. I said this was a bad idea. K apologized for the things she said, and said "it wasn't personal. I felt disrespected and I would have said that to anyone who treated me that way" B lost it, she clearly didnt want to take any of the responsibility for the issues. She started throwing stuff and hitting my dad. B ended up not coming to the party. She dropped my dad off and left in his truck. My dad spent the whole party arguing with her on the phone and via text, it was like he wasn't even there. At the end of the party K took my dad to his house.... but his truck was no where to be found. They looked all over for hours. Our dad ended up having to go home with K and the next day they looked again and finally found his truck, keys locked inside. He had to pay someone to get them out. Things continue the same for awhile after that. K and I wouldn't see or hear form our dad for awhile and then he would show up at Ks house needing a place to stay. B would throw his stuff in the yard, etc. Our dad sent us a pic in the middle of the night of himself with multiple bloody spots on his head saying B had hit him with a porcelain figurine.
The next large incident (many small ones sprinkled in), was Easter 2022. B invited my son to do an Easter egg hunt at her house. While there I thanked her over and over for dinner and setting it up the egg hunt for my son. Then we left her house and went to my sons father's family's house. I got some cute pics that day so I posted them on Facebook. I have a lot of family out of state that love seeing pics of him. All the pics were only of my son, no one else. People were in the background but no ones faces. I captioned the post "Easter 2022". I didn't tag anyone. I woke up the next morning to a text from B saying "your dad didn't pay for any of that. I did" I didn't respond because... what was I supposed to say? Then she commented on the Facebook post saying that I was ungrateful and she would never do anything like that again. I replied saying "I guess the 100 times I said thank you weren't enough" she went on to comment saying that it's so sad that they are my sons only grandparents- he will have no one now. I commented back saying "thanks for reminding me that my mom is dead <3" B then deletes all comments and texts me saying I'm the most greedy and ungrateful person she has ever met and blah blah blah. I went off. I told her I was done, she's tripping. Anyone who knows me knows I'm very generous and gracious. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me. You're not going to threaten to leave my son's life over a Facebook post that wasn't even malicious. All the years worth of stuff just I had let slide, I couldn't take it anymore.
Then comes my son's 3rd birthday: early 2022. My dad told me he couldn't make it because he needed to use that weekend to move out of Bs house. He used this excuse because he knew I wanted him to leave her. He never moved. Come to find out, he lied. He didn't come because B didn't want him to. In August 2022 K and I planned a river float with my dad and the week of our dad canceled, saying that B told him he could not go with us or she would kick him out/leave him.
Now, more recently my dad came and saw me my son in February. So that means in the last year or so he has seen my son 3 times: Easter 2022, before his birthday 2022, and then February 2023. I'm upset that he is so absent. K is getting married and she wanted our dad to walk her down the aisle. But when she asked him if he was definitely going to come (concerned if B will stop him) he said he will even if his stuff ends up in the front yard.
Today he called my sister and was not very nice, saying all these issues are Ks fault and my fault. That K should have kept her mouth shut about the van and that my Facebook post was to blame. He keeps saying he wants us to all move forward and get along and move on. K and I aren't willing to do that right now.
B has been very toxic and manipulative. My dad will say he is going to leave her but never does. He will ask us for help getting his own place and then not talk to us for weeks, and when he does he will say things are great between them. My dad will text me and say how much he wants to see my son and spend time with him, but we live 15 mins away and his actions show what he really prioritizes. He really seems to believe that it's me and Ks fault that he can't see us or his grandchildren. Recently K was talking to our dad on the phone and was expressing how B has done all these things but no one ever calls her out on it and we get all the blame from him. He blamed all her actions on her being an only child and having seasonal depression.
My son's 4th birthday is coming up and I am contemplating not inviting my dad. He was not emotionally present at his 2nd bday and then make an excuse to not come to his 3rd. I'm really starting to feel like I need to go low or no contact with him. I feel torn since my mom is dead and he is now my only parent. I just don't know how I could get through to him and I'm so tired of these toxic cycles.
TLDR: My dad is in a toxic relationship that has put a strain on his relationships with me, my sister, and all his grandchildren. He blames my sister and I for all the issues with his girlfriend.
Should I go no contact with my dad?
Submitted March 17, 2023 at 05:51PM by Daughter0ftheM00n https://ift.tt/9cFxJtI
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