I am a 23 year old When I was 10 and my sister 8, we were on a rhythmic gymnastics team. Our coach, Natasha, was extremely abusive. She was an old Russian woman, and obviously had different teaching methods than those trained in the US. Us girls were pitted against each other on things like looks, weight, and of course, who was the strongest gymnast. Natasha would shout insults at me and humiliate me in front of everyone (one time she asked the team to get into a circle around me and asked me to tell my weight number to everyone, and tell everyone why I became "plump") Looking at old pictures, I was actually underweight. Natasha was the one who taught me how to throw up using a spoon in my throat, and one time didn't let me out of the bathroom until I got rid of a rice krispy she saw me eat).
My sister, on the other hand, was the "Maddie Ziegler" of the gym. Natasha had a soft spot for her, she was praised a lot. She regularly won her age group at regional competitions, and did hoop routines really well (if you ever did rg, you would know how hard hoop is). I remember Natasha telling me that I CAN be like my sister, if I just work hard, etc. Nobody was there to tell me that I didn't need to be like my sister, I was good enough. Despite all I went through at that gym, I worked as hard as I could, but it was all wasted.
When I was 12, my sister got an offer from another gym, a highly prestigious one, 2 hours away from where we lived. My mom, without even giving me notice that we were quitting, signed both my sister and I out of my original gym, and only my sister continued gymnastics at the new one. After all my hard work, I never got closure. My mom could have at least told me the day before that we were leaving, but decided not to.
And to make it worse, she didn't trust me to say home alone, so every day after school, I would ride with my mom and sister to this new gym, sit in the car for 3 hours while my sister trained, then ride back. We could often come home past 11. Maybe I would be ok with it if my mom and I were somewhat close, but we weren't. On the ride to the gym, she would turn on the radio really loud even though I get sensory overload because I'm on the spectrum.
Parked in a car near the gym, she would scream at me to do my homework. She has beaten me into compliance multiple times before. She had threatened to kick me out when I turned 16 (obviously my dad didn't let that happen). We have gotten into arguments where she has pulled my hair. My mom had no job, and her whole life revolved around being a stage mom to my sister. I was jus in the way.
It's been over a decade, and I am back in my parents' house now after graduating college. My sister is in college herself now, and doesn't do gymnastics anymore, so my mom has more of ... a life now. She tries to connect with me but I am not having it. I asked her if she ever regretted what she did, but she just said she was doing what's best for her kids.
To be clear, I have to LIVE with her now since I am too broke to move back to my college state. I really want to move back. Being in this hose brings back horrible memories and dreams. how could I move on?
Tl;dr: How could I forgive someone who hasn't even apologized?
Submitted March 16, 2023 at 08:20PM by Slow-Wonder-6416 https://ift.tt/QIMwx4G
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