Me [30 M] with partner [29 F] of 3.5 years, And the showerhead debacle. How do we avoid such a stupid fight from occuring in the future?

For context, my fiance has horrific chronic pain and PTSD which makes life 100x more difficult on her, so I typically take care of anything that involves physical labor or even leaving the house (I enjoy helping, that's not a problem for me and it typically doesn't feel one-sided). Her mother is also a controlling narcissist with a military background. We typically have a loving and healthy relationship, and live a good life together so this is very one-off.

Chronic pain can cause irritability, mood swings, depression, and anxiety. Combined with PTSD this creates a cocktail that is essentially a living hell. On a pain scale of 1 - 10, hers is a solid 14 everyday with zero to limited relief as its a combination of nerve, muscle, and bone pain. Please take this into consideration when responding.

Our current showerhead has an excessive amount of calcium build-up. It's an OLD showerhead, so I figure it should be about time to replace it.

I figured, a detachable showerhead would make both of our lives easier. I am tall at 6ft 5in, and obviously it would help her with her mobility issues.

We had a brief discussion about replacing the showerhead before I went out and bought the new one. She mentioned that, since her Mom is her landlord, we should have a discussion with her about it first. However, she never stated she didn't want a new showerhead, and she seemed excited at the idea.

A showerhead is a pretty small thing to replace, and I went out and bought one on my own. It's slightly smaller than the one we currently have ( This is important ) however it has multiple massage functions which is fantastic for deep muscle pain, cleaning hard to reach areas (both for myself as well) and.. other reasons.. we also talked about.

So I showed up with the showerhead one day. It's the nicest showerhead you can find at a walmart ($50). I didn't receive approval from the landlord yet so I set it aside. My fiance mentioned that it may not be large enough. I informed her of all of the neat features it included and told her to trust me and try it out. She said okay.

The landlord was cool swapping out showerheads.

So, I had my Father bring over a wrench as the calcium completely solidified the showerhead and she knew I was going to replace it soon. It's important to note that I had already opened the packaging at this point so I could not return the showerhead.

Then tonight, realizing I had no WD-40, I decided to jerryrig a bunch of plastic bags around the showerhead in order to break down the calcium build-up, the wrench wasn't enough on it's own. So I asked her for rubberbands. She knew I was in the middle of trying to replace the showerhead.

At this point, she decides to state that she doesn't want it, and that the showerhead wasn't large enough. I tried letting her know how helpful it was going to be for us both. For her, since the showerhead wasn't going to hit her entire head, I shouldn't even replace the showerhead in the first place and that she didnt understand why I was replacing it when she stated she never wanted to use that particular showerhead in the first place.

Then she suggested, that we shouldve gone to Home Depot, or Lowes together to find the perfect showerhead even if its 3x - 4x more expensive.

So at this point im pissed, because I feel underappreciated and upset that she didn't just tell me directly before I took the damn thing out of the box. I told her that I wish she told me sooner or else id just return it, but now instead im going to sell it for half the price on facebook or something.

At this point she tells me to replace the showerhead in ANOTHER BATHROOM that already has a detachable showerhead for our "guests" (We've only had one guest stay overnight and we've lived in this place for over a year). This shower has horrible water pressure and the heat runs out in less than 5 minutes. I told her we can save the showerhead but ill replace it before we have any guests over. At this point shes accused me of not respecting our home, and that I dont want our living space to be nice and it needs to be replaced asap.

I had and still have no intention of replacing that showerhead for the shitty guest shower. It's never used. Im not going to go through that trouble when no one even LOOKS at the fucking showerhead. Replacing this showerhead was never discussed or brought up at anytime in the past, so this is a brand new "request".

I told her I didnt feel appreciated, and that she should have told me sooner. Apparently speaking to me directly causes anxiety because she doesnt know how im going to react. She calls any disagreements "Arguements" when im just trying to talk about changing a fucking showerhead and then gets angry at me for informing her of the way she's making me feel.

I decided to walk away and apparently, that means im "running away from conflict". I just didnt want to start showing my anger as at this point I could feel my patience slipping heavily.

At the same time, she did mention that the showerhead was too small, but she initially seemed down when I told her to trust me and that the new showerhead was going to be a game-changer.

I just feel very confused right now and I want to know if I overreacted. I didn't yell, I just expressed my own opinion on the matter assertively. She feels she needs to "coddle me and my emotions". I have no idea whattheshit thats about.

How can a situation like this be avoided in the future?

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tl;dr: My fiance has horrific chronic pain and PTSD which makes life 100x more difficult on her, so I typically take care of anything that involves physical labor or even leaving the house (I enjoy helping, that's not a problem for me and it typically doesn't feel one-sided). Her mother is also a controlling, military, narcissist. We typically have a loving and healthy relationship, and live a good life together so this is very one-off. We discussed replacing showerhead, partner was okay with it. When she saw the showerhead she stated it was too small. Asked her to give it a shot, she said sure.

Tonight, I decided to replace the showerhead. In the middle of fixing it, she stated she didn't want it anymore, and instead it should go in the guest bathroom. No one ever uses it and she wanted it replaced asap. and that instead we shouldve looked at showerheads together and saved for one thats 3x - 4x as expensive. Fought because I "dont respect our space" as I have no intention of replacing the showerhead in the guest bath before we have any intention of having guests stay over.

She tried making me feel bad for stating that I didnt feel appreciated. She stated that she feels the need to "coddle my feelings". I walked away from the conversation with her stating that im "running away from conflict" No. I just didnt want to blow up and yell at her over such a shitty conversation that was 100% avoidable.

EDIT: Chronic pain can cause irritability, mood swings, depression, and anxiety. Combined with PTSD this creates a cocktail that is essentially a living hell. On a pain scale of 1 - 10, hers is a solid 14 everyday with zero to limited relief as its a combination of nerve, muscle, and bone pain. Please take this into consideration when responding.

EDIT 2: Partner's mother is a controlling, narcissist with a military background

Submitted March 28, 2023 at 07:30PM by White_Graffiti https://ift.tt/KZTbRpM