I’ve (37M) been struggling with a breakup after a bad incident. I want to move on but I can’t stop thinking about her (38F). When we first met, we instantly connected with little effort. It was the first time that I have ever spent 8+ hours on a first date. We were very comfortable and enjoyed each other’s company. I could tell that she really liked me and I felt the same. Throughout the 3 month relationship, we became close and spent a lot of time together, including the winter holidays. Even though we were only together for 3 months, the time that we spent together felt longer, because it felt like we had known each other for a long time. Things between us seemed to be going great, with a couple hiccups, until the night of the incident.
The Incident
On the night of the incident,I had passed out on the couch. I had just experienced a painful accident in the kitchen which is how I ended up on the couch. She asked me to come to bed, but I was feeling too exhausted from the pain to move off the couch and just felt like resting and not move so much to not agitate my injury. Around 2AM, I was awoken to the sound of cups and dishes crashing into the kitchen sink. I guess she had grabbed the glass of beer from the coffee table that I hadn’t finished and forcefully threw it into the sink. She was seemingly irritated and started yelling at me about how she had to beg me to come to the bed and how she found it rude for guest to sleep on the couch at her place. At this point, I was feeling uncomfortable and decided that the best move was to go home for the night. As I went to grab my coat, she started throwing some of my belongings that I left at her apartment at me, as if she was kicking me out. On my out, she then threw glass jars in my direction. There was no confrontation from me up until she threw the jars. I just yelled her to stop throwing things. I left her apartment in distraught while she blew up my phone on my home.
The next morning, she seemed remorseful about what had happen, that she was worried, and that she didn’t deserve me. I had to take a couple days to myself to process what had happened. I couldn’t help but feel that I was a victim of abuse, that if it was like this now, then would it be like if I were to remain in the relationship. This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen her snap, but it was the first time that it felt like an attack at me. I had a strong uneasy feeling about it. I eventually called her after ignoring many of her missed calls and texts. We both seemed sad about what transpired. It was during this phone call, I told that I didn’t think I could continue on with the relationship. Honestly, I was really conflicted about what I wanted to do. I went to pick up the rest of my belongings at her place. It felt so surreal that it would be last time seeing her. We exchanged goodbye gifts, as if we were prepared for the end. She probably wanted to talk it out but I was still feeling mostly speechless. It was hard to bear seeing how sad she was. I know that she didn’t want to hurt me, that she acted out of anger. She admitted that she maybe not ready to date. She said that she wished that we had met a year earlier, perhaps because she felt that she was not at a worser place then. I feel like I lost my best friend.
She was going through somethings and she was working on herself through therapy and medication - grieving the death of a parent, depression, self harm, abandonment and insecurity issues. I emphasized with her because I am going through depression amongst other things as well. We both recognized this and wanted to help each other. I noticed that she was very also pessimistic at times. At some point I felt like I knew all the things she hated rather than what she she loved. But deep down in her, I know she has a heart. I know that I’m pointing out a bunch of red flags here, but I figured to leave some context to hopefully find explanation of the letter that she sent me months after the break up.
The Letter
It’s been about 2.5 long months since I last saw her.
Besides a couple of apologetic text messages right after the breakup, there hasn’t been any contact between us, until she sent me an email last week. I didn’t expect to hear from her at all nor the words contained in it. It was full of resentment and frustration. She didn’t address it to me, or ask how I was, apologize, or say goodbye. I’m not sure what to fully make of it. It felt like something that she journaled and may have accidentally sent it to me. She used many strong adverbs throughout such as “always” and “never”. She says that I am selfish and that I took advantage of her kindness. She outlined my flaws to point out why she was “always” angry at me. She felt that I diminished her grief, judged her for her depression, constantly doubted her, and suggested that I shouldn’t take advantage of other women who are working hard to make their lives better. Which we talked about and she admitted to having insecurity issues and made me feel like walking on eggshells since then. I honestly have no reason to belittle her. She questions how I don’t take accountability for my actions and that I do my own thing on my own time without regard to other people’s feeling. She’s also upset because I never offered to grab the check, when in fact I’ve paid for most of our meals. Because of all this, she was “always” upset and annoyed with me.
I’m completely baffled by this letter. The words on this letter doesn’t sound like the woman that I fell for or remember. It pains me to see that she may not be processing the breakup well, that she has chosen to forget the good times and focus on what angers her, and that she may have put me in her long list of things she hates.
Did I cause her to behave the way she did? Was this my fault? Should I have tried harder to amend things after the incident? Is she being abusive? Am I the asshole? Is she trying to get a reaction out of me to talk to her again? Is this manipulation?
All I know is that I am still hurt by what she did and this letter feels like another attack.
We had many beautiful memories that outweigh the bad and my mind wants to keep remembering those moments. The woman that occupies my mind when I wake up and before going to sleep feels like a fantasy that mind is making up. This hurts because I can’t stop thinking about her and that I still care about her. I have no regrets about our time together. In fact, I cherish them. Am I a fool to do so?
I thought about sending a thank you letter for closure, but after this letter I feel like I don’t know her anymore. If I were to send her one, I wouldn’t mention the letter she sent, or mention the night of the incident, or flaws, or anything that I wished I would have do differently. Just a simple thank you and goodbye. I just want to close things on a positive note. Hit her back with kindness. I want her to know that I’m not angry at her, nor do I hate her. I really to do appreciate her. We did our best. I know we desperately wanted to make it work.
TL;DR - I dated a girl for 3 months and received a resentful email from her 2.5 months after the break up and I don't know what to make of it.
Thank you to those that took the time to read this.
Submitted March 26, 2023 at 05:23PM by deleteuser_now https://ift.tt/2kaMrL8
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