I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. At the beginning, there was the classic honeymoon phase, with lots of kissing. That's how it was for the first 3-4 months. Since then, we have not once kissed outside of sex--and even that isn't common. Our last kiss was in September, I think. We have sex regularly (2-3x a week), so this isn't a dead bedroom situation, there's just no kissing.
I can deal with that. It feels weird, especially when we're around other couples who freely express their love, but I'm a pretty reserved person so ultimately it's fine. He openly doesn't like affection, except very rarely when it's on his terms. I don't feel like I can reject him when it happens because then I'm wasting my limited opportunities. Hugging is fine--if he initiates. Cuddling he hates, but if he initiates I can have, like, two minutes of it. He doesn't like if I give him a quick peck on the shoulder, though, so that's out (he's done it before to me, though, when I was basically asleep, so again, it's only fine if he initiates). He touches me in public--a thigh caress, arm around my back, etc--a lot, but this behavior barely translates to at-home behavior and is the extent of the affection I get from him.
His love language is gift giving and I do receive a lot of little gifts regularly. But he can't, or won't, say I love you. I've heard it from him once, back in September. He also doesn't say it to his family, so it's not just me. Actually, when he said he loved me that one time, he followed it up by telling me he doesn't plan on saying it again. So I at least have my expectations curbed there.
I want to be accepting of the fact he isn't affectionate. I love this man and feel otherwise compatible with him. But sometimes I just feel so lonely being with someone who doesn't want to hold my hand, or tell me good morning, or kiss me goodbye. And then I feel guilty because he'll get in a playful mood and I'll get a hug or he'll pick me up, and I feel like I'm crazy imagining him as this completely cold person. But then hours later he'll tell me not to touch him when we're in bed and I'll feel bad again.
I'm just really struggling with this. The little we've discussed it has come down to "this is just how I am", which I already know. I also know from both him and various mutual acquaintances of his ex that in his previous longterm relationship, when she finally told him she had issues with this she was basically checked out of the relationship already and his attempts at improving for her failed. So he might be resistant to trying to change this about himself again. I don't really know what to do or how to approach this conversation with him again, if need be.
TL;DR Boyfriend hates affection and physical intimacy (other than sex). I'm struggling with accepting this and often feel lonely. Advice?
Submitted March 15, 2023 at 02:29AM by orkutsk https://ift.tt/Xcrb9Li
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