my bf (23M) and I (23F) recently broke up because he said he can’t be himself because of my personality

My ex bf (23 M) and I (23 F) were together a little over a year and recently separated. I am described as an extrovert and bubbly, I am also pretty chatty and I like to laugh and joke around. From what I thought of him, I thought he was more serious and introverted. It seemed like we balanced each other out pretty well. I thought this the entire relationship until the day we broke up. I previously would ask him sometimes to try and match my energy and he told me he was just depressed and couldn’t fake it. I didn’t push further than this. I would dance and sing in the car and he would just look ahead and be calm. I seemed to always be the crazy chaotic one. Then I met some of his friends. I thought I did a good job because I made them laugh and the conversation flowed well. However, when we (my partner and I) would have privacy (this happened more than once), he would scold me. For one situation, he told me that I embarrassed him because his friend said that I was like a bro and easy to talk to. I was just making banter but my bf told me that I was masculine and made him unattracted to me. I wanted to correct my mistake and so the next time we saw that friend, I was quiet and let him (my bf) do all the talking. He was happy that time. He also told me a separate time that his friends didn’t particularly enjoy me because they felt like I was a lot. This upset me and he supported his argument by saying that the people who enjoy his personality type, likely wouldn’t like mine because we were just so different. On the day that we broke up, he showed me a video of him being goofy at around age 13. I was shocked to see him dance and willingly make a fool of himself. I asked why he wasn’t like that anymore. He told me that he was, and that he didn’t feel comfortable being like that around me because I was already too much and there wasn’t room for him. I was confused by this because he had previously said that his friends just don’t like people like me, and then he added to say that they just don’t like “annoying people” and “people who force their conversation on to others” and “don’t stop talking”. Which was insinuating that he felt that was the separation between him and I. I was very upset by this and didn’t really know what to do. He said that he also only brought up the conversations I had when I met his friends (when he was scolding me) because he felt bad for them. He said it didn’t actually bother him that I was talking too much or making jokes but it would bother his friends to see him now be the quiet person in the group, and they would think he is depressed. I was insisting that he could be himself, and that many of my friends are also outgoing and talkative and I would love to see him be himself. He told me that he would never feel that way. He said that in previous relationships of his, he was allowed to be himself because his exes were more of the “moms” at parties or the designated drivers and he could be fun and stupid. I feel so confused with this situation and I don’t even know what to make of it. We obviously had tons of other issues aside from this, so I know that it’s not going to be straightforward advice. I can’t tell if this is common and I need to suppress myself more to be attractive and feminine. I feel like he lied to me for a year and never really liked who I was as a person. I feel like he was ashamed of me and wanted me to be this quiet accessory. It would be difficult for me to pretend to be a different person for over a year. I feel like he is also blaming me for starting to “grow up”.

Anyways, after I told him I wanted him to be himself and he said he couldn’t because I am the way I am. I asked what we should do. His response was that I should watch his entire favorited camera roll of him being “young and dumb” to better understand him. Which I did. It was all videos of him partying and drinking in high school and pulling stupid pranks on his friends. I didn’t understand the intention of watching these and when I questioned it he said that it was because I questioned it that proved to him that I will never understand him and that most people would just watch the videos. I feel like he is reminiscing on his high school days now that he is growing up and he is blaming me for the changes. He also didn’t seem to be the person who was actually doing anything fun, outgoing, or goofy in any of the videos. I brought this up saying that one of his friends seemed to be the mastermind behind their adventures and he was defensive that he was. Anyways, he says that everyone in his life thinks that he is no fun and depressed now because he has to balance out my personality and it makes him like that. What do you think?

Also, I think it’s important to note that he was never goofy around family or friends when I was around, but he said when I was not there that he was. His mom also said that he has struggled with depression on and off since high school.

TLDR; My bf and I (23 M & 23F), broke up because he said my personality was not allowing him to be himself. Need opinions on what lesson to learn for a future relationship or advice if anyone has gone through something like this

Submitted March 27, 2023 at 09:49PM by West_Childhood_7980 https://ift.tt/XZsp4Pn