I left my depressed Mum (56F) Xmas morning to go and be happy somewhere else. I dont know if I did the right thing. Advice/etc.

My Mum (56f) has been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it has got exponentially worse in the past few years.

She lost her Mum as a child and then moved into an abusive household. She never received help for this and she has been struggling with it for all these years.

She's a lonely person now; she's pushed everyone in her life who loved her away. She views the world in such a negative darkness, interpreting my words with poison and complaining when she sees other people being happy. Even when I tell her about my friends, about having a nice time with them, she'll try to make me feel bad by pointing out some flaw about my appearance, putting me or my friends down. And i know its because she feela insecure about the happiness they give me that she cant. I know the whys. But honestly whether i understand or not doesnt seem to be making a difference. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions, so she expresses them in a destructive manner; throwing things, shouting and blocking people. Oftentimes for things that would normally seem small, or petty; someone not responding to her for a few hours. She's also an alcoholic, of course-- half the things I say to her are forgotten next day whether I said them to her when she was sober or not.

Everything is evil and about her, aimed at her with malice. Conversation with her is near impossible because of this.

I'm a 24F who has been aware of my Mums emotional struggles since I became conscious. Constantly stepping on eggshells whilst trying to figure out and amend myself to her triggers. My brother left her because of these behaviours. She cannot see her own problems and blames him for being selfish- he didn't do this in a nice way, but he wasn't wrong for setting his boundary to heal. I tried to speak to her calmly on a few occasions. Waited for her to calm down, stop shouting at me and be a bit more approachable. I spoke to her about seeking professional help. In truth, I'm leaving for abroad study of 3 years-- so this is likely not last Xmas in the UK. When I go she will have nothing here. I'm so aware of this and yet I feel I can do nothing more for her. She wants to move to my study-country to be with me. I don't want this at all. I want my own life.

This morning, she woke up and turned on the TV and didn't speak to me at all. She said she hates Christmas now and today is just another day. I listen to words, I trust what she is saying to me. So I went to my Dads- they've been divorced for many many years- because in truth guys, I'm so so tired. I'm tired of mothering my own Mum, I'm exhausted and I deserve to be happy. I feel constantly guilty for something which isn't my doing, and even still I try to fix it, to no avail of course since she cannot accept she has a problem.

I don't know what this is, what I'm looking for. Looking for advice, consolation, a slap in the face wake up call or just some support.

Tl;dr; left my toxic (due to depression) Mum Christmas morning, and I can't stop feeling guilty, even though I know I deserve to be happy too

Submitted December 25, 2022 at 04:45AM by Glassybones https://ift.tt/ySK3wl7