I (24F) honestly can’t tell whether my boyfriend (27M) is a narcissist or a victim of narcissistic abuse to such an extent that he is near-permanently “grey-rocking” me.
For those of you who are unaware, grey-rocking is a technique you can use while interacting with a narcissist. You basically become as boring as possible and only answer questions directly.
In my boyfriend’s case, I know he was raised by his aunt who was very emotionally and physically abusive and came up with crazy “rules” for him to follow. I am not surprised he picked up the grey-rock technique.
At the beginning of our relationship, I noticed at times he would deactivate and became extremely bland while answering questions. Sometimes I ask questions just to connect, and other times I ask questions because we often work together and I legitimately need the answer. If he thinks he has sufficiently provided information, he will stop answering my questions even if I’m still confused. He will provide short yes-or-no answers, and when I try to clarify or engage, he will sigh, deactivate, and say “I have already answered.”
It is very frustrating for me because his reactions don’t make sense. I feel like I am just trying to learn about him or seek necessary information, and he reacts with grey-rocking like I am abusing him. It can be so confusing and hurtful to constantly be met constantly with short non-answers like “I already told you” and “I’m fine.” He has even done this during dates where I am trying to ask a variety of harmless questions and he just grey-rocks me and creates no conversation. Other times, we agree to watch a movie together, and even if we already pick a movie out (usually I have to pick) he will sit and stare at the remote until I do something. If I make a negative comment about his choice, he will say, “okay, I am never picking dinner/movie/show/game again.”
Sometimes I think he uses narcissistic and emotionally toxic behavior with me, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt before leaving. Is near-permanent grey-rocking learned from experience with a narcissistic caregiver a real phenomenon? Can it be worked through?
Alternatively, how likely is it for child victims of narcissistic/other emotional abuse from childhood to engage in narcissistic behaviors with partners as adults? Sometimes I get the sense that he finds it amusing to grey-rock me… :(
TL;DR: Boyfriend grey-rocks constantly (acts boring/not engaged) likely because of narcissist caregiver growing up. Is this something that can be worked through or is could it be a sign of narcissism in him as well?
Submitted December 15, 2022 at 10:01PM by Stock_Telephone_4878 https://ift.tt/Myjoguv
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