I (22M) resent my girlfriend's (22F) Twin Sister and I am scared for a future where she is in our lives.

I've(22M) been with my girlfriend (22F) for a little over 3 years now. She also has a twin sister.

I will try my best to be as objective as possible.

We used to live together for a while and I couldn't take it so we moved out. I found myself getting over involved in the sister's personal life, upset at her when she would go out and get involved in things I felt were unsafe, and my girlfriend would be right there with her. I've always expressed to my girlfriend how I felt like she's codependent with her sister, overly identifies with her sister's emotional state, follows her where ever and how boundaries blur when she's involved. I would get really upset when her sister did things like follow guys to their car while out for the night, get into fights at bars, or hang out with her shady friends (Thank god they've been dropped and she now hangs out with a better crowd) because my girlfriend would follow her everywhere. They're family.

I would get into fights with my gf about this and I would never win, instead I would get SO angry that I would break up with gf, and then get back together. I hated how she supported and followed her sister no matter what. Eventually I learned to bite my tongue and say nothing. That's when we moved out. This was a little over a year ago.

Now we are at our own apartment and it has virtually become a Doggy Day Care as her sister brings her dog over 3+ times a week so she can go over to her friends house. This is where I am confused.

I feel like there's a lack of respect for me, and it coincides with the lack of respect or comfortability she has with my gf (Her Twin Sister.) Boundaries blur between them so our apartment is seen as only my girlfriend's apartment, and because of that, boundaries aren't respected. I've asked her to keep me updated on when she's going to be back, to ASK me to take her dog out instead of just expecting it if she won't be back anytime soon. I asked her that multiple times and she never followed through.

Then this one time, she was at her friends house and my girlfriend called her to see when she would be back. She got upset when my girlfriend asked so I asked my girlfriend to hand me the phone so I could talk with her and I told her once more that if she's going to drop her dog off here, I need to know when she'll be back. And if she doesn't know when, to update me and ASK me to take care of her dog instead of just expecting it just because he's here. She didn't like that.

I didn't yell. I didn't say "You always do this shit." Nothing like that, only what I said above. My girlfriend even fist bumped me for how well I handled that.

She came back shortly after that and she was crying. She said she felt like I was talking to her like a parent. And I told her that I don't mind her being over here, that I enjoy her presence and love seeing her and I love that my girlfriend can spend time with her bestfriend and there hasn't been an instance where I told my gf that she wasn't allowed to be here, but I feel like there's a lack of respect for me. That she has something good and she shouldn't jeopardize that.

She broke down again when I said that, and when she broke down, my girlfriend turned to me and said I was wrong for that. I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wrong for what I said, that I know I can get upset and say hurtful things and I carefully considered what I said before saying it. Just because what I said hurt her feelings, it doesn't mean what I said was mean. What I said was the truth because there might not be an end point in boundary crossing for you, but there is for me and eventually it will lead to me banning her dog from being here. My girlfriend said that it was like I was giving an ultimatum.

I thought to myself that she can call it what she wants. It's the truth. Don't use me. Don't expect me to give while you offer nothing back. I won't be taken advantage of.

Her sister even asked my GF "If it was just you, would this be an issue?" To which my girlfriend responded, "But it isn't just me."

Fine, I'll bite my tongue for things that go on between them. However, this is my apartment, my safe place, and I'm exhausted from feeling taken advantage of, not respected and not considered. My GF is super empathetic, especially towards her sister which I understand, and I still don't think that's an excuse to let boundaries be crossed or for her to never set them in the first place. I hate that her sister is her weakness because it seeps into me as well.

But I'm starting to realize that the more I try to love her sister, the more hurt I become. Beyond the dog situation, this is what is really hurting me. I want to love her, but she seems so impossible to love. How can I love someone who I feel like has no consideration for me? And this someone is supposed to be forever as she is the twin sister of my girlfriend.

I cook for her whenever she's over here.

When I go out to get food, I always get her something too.

When she's asleep on the couch, I get a blanket and pillow and cover her up.

She's free to come and go as she pleases.

Her dog can come with her at any time, and since she doesn't bring food for him, I use my own dog food to feed him.

I show her love, give her hugs and kisses on the cheeks like I would my own sister. I compliment her, smile, laugh with her. Talk with her when she's sad. Nothing extraordinary at all, but it's something.

And what do I get? I can't think of a single thing. Really. She's been in my life for 3 years, and I can't think of a single thing. Isn't that concerning? At the family Christmas, I didn't even get a present from her. When I asked her about it, she apologized and said she forgot. I wanted to take my presents back at that point, but I didn't want to be petty. Meanwhile, she spends 3 weeks painting an advent calendar for her friends which I helped her with, but she couldn't even get me a chocolate, or at least let me know that she forgot?

It's becoming more and more clear that my girlfriend's sister has no space in her mind for me, and with that, no room to consider how I feel and her effect on me. I don't burden her sister with anything, I don't dump my dog on her, use her groceries, use her car, nothing.

I am the giver, she is the taker. She is the sister of my girlfriend, therefore, she is forever. I don't want forever with someone who struggles to show consideration or acknowledgement that I am here and that I am important too.

Part of me feels like she's jealous of my girlfriend and I, her relationships don't last and when she's with us and we show love to each other she says things like "ew" "I'm single af" etc. And those things make me want to withhold love from my gf when she's around.

I haven't brought that up with her yet and at the same time, I'm afraid to. She's emotionally fickle and tears make me uncomfortable. Confrontation makes me uncomfortable. I shake from anxiety, I get hot and sweaty. And when I feel these sensations, I become upset, scared, unstable, indifferent and mean. But I know communication is important so I still try my best, but I also freeze up in saying anything to her because if she cries, I'm wrong in my girlfriend's eyes as well and then we fight.

She's a beautiful girl, with a radiant smile but she's mostly inconsiderate and selfish. (How can I say this without being mean?) She's been through A LOT so I understand why she is the way she is, but I've been through a lot and am still struggling, and I've felt this way about her for almost as long as I've known her. Mentally and emotionally, I don't have the capacity for someone like her. My therapist asked me 2 years ago how long was I willing to wait for her to change. I'm still waiting. I still don't have that answer because I'm terrified. She comes with my GF, and that is the super scary part.

I want my peace back, I want to know that there is no one in my life who is taking advantage of me. I've been there and have taken myself to a place of strength through therapy and growth where I am able to cut off anybody who is like that, but this one... I feel stuck. If it was just me, this would have been over and done with, but I have to consider my girlfriend as well.

I've brought this up with my girlfriend and she said she feels like she has to pick between me and her sister.... I'm starting to feel that way too.

TLDR: I feel like my girlfriend's twin sister doesn't respect my feelings or even acknowledge my exist. I'm starting to feel like I have to stop giving her anything but if I do that, my relationship will suffer as well. My gf is codependent with her sister and is actively working on that, but it's such a slow pace. She's just as confused as I am about what to do. It feels like she has to pick her or me. I hate to think about it that way but that's what it's starting to feel like. I feel like because of the codependency, boundaries are blurred. This is how it was before me, and I refuse to stay in a relationship where this continues.

Submitted December 27, 2022 at 03:39PM by buttpastaa https://ift.tt/j0DWToO