My financé (M30) and I (F24) have been together for 6 years.
Early in our relationship, we had a situation.
I became friends with a girl. I saw that he had her on social media and asked him about it. I asked him how he knew her and he just brushed it off saying he didn’t know.
I let it go because I didn’t think it was a big deal and trusted my then boyfriend obviously.
Later down the line, I become closer with this girl and she reveals to me that they had hooked up before I started dating him.
I confronted him about it and he was very apologetic. He didn’t think she would tell me and he didn’t think it was a big deal because it was in the past.
He hates talking about his past relationship and has never told me anything. This is something that’s always slightly bothered me but I’ve always tried to let it go and not pry further since he has gotten angry around his topic.
This situation made me question our relationship a lot. Even though it was in the past, it felt like a present betrayal that he lied to me about knowing her. I asked him to just be honest with me in the future.
It feels like an overreaction for this small situation to break my trust of him that much it I felt like if he could lie to me about that, he could certainly lie to me about more.
A couple of months ago, I went through his phone. I don’t know why I did it. I know I shouldn’t have. But I just felt like I needed to know more information about him. After six years of being together, not knowing any of his ex’s names was getting to me. And curiosity killed the cat right?
I looked through his conversation with his friends and found out he had hooked with another girl that I knew (also before we started dating).
The funny part is that I had explicitly asked him if he had done anything with her. And he told me no he did not.
Now that I’ve learned that he was lying about that I just feel so betrayed all over again.
I’ve been acting normal ever since I’ve found out. Showing him love and care, cooking for him and telling him how much I love him.
But in my head I question our relationship daily. I know he would never cheat on me. But sometimes I don’t even think I know him. Reading his messages with his friends made him a completely different person in my head.
I want to break up with him. But this is such a stupid reason to do it over. Also sunken cost fallacy since he is my first relationship and I’ve spent essentially my entire adult life with him.
He’s a good guy. He cares about me and pushes me to do well. I feel like a gold digger for wanting to leave after he has spent so much money on me while I’ve been in college and grad school after I finally start my high paying job. We have incompatibilities but we both believe that any relationship can work out if both parties try hard enough. The second year of our relationship we nearly broke up because I was so unhappy with him. But we worked past it and everything was just fine. It’s been 6 years of trying and sometimes I just don’t know. Each year passes and I just think “this is the year it gets better or it ends” but things stay the same. Not great but not necessarily terrible.
I used to dream of a fairy tale romance story but I realized practicability was a better decision. And he was sensible and successful and cared about me enough so I picked him. Thinking about an entire lifetime with him makes me disappointed, but I don’t want to fall into the trap of “the grass is greener on the other side.” So I’ve stuck with it.
I just feel so sad now and I’m truly at a loss.
What should I do? Talk to him? Confess to looking at his messages? Just break up with him and never tell him anything?
Tldr: I (F24) found out my fiancé (M30) lied about hooking up with two girls before we started dating and it is making me question our whole relationship.
Submitted December 17, 2022 at 07:03PM by initiallyin https://ift.tt/gqUdc07
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