We met on a dating app 5 years ago after I went through a really messy divorce. He swept me off my feet the first 6 months. I was so deeply in love.
I have no doubt in my mind about him loving me... We get along really well and we have a lot of things in common. I'd never had a relationship where conflicts were managed in a healthy way until I met him. We've always been able to talk through everything except for the issues in this post and it's unsettling to me. Over the time we've been together our sex life has been extraordinarily bland and has dwindled down to almost nil. I'm extremely attracted to him, even to this day, I have trouble keeping my hands off him. I've never met someone so attractive to me mentally and physically, but I don't feel he's attracted to me at all. It feels as though we're just close roommates who cuddle now and then.
I've brought up that I don't feel like he's attracted to me, and he just responds that he's attracted to me, but he's never quantified what it is about me that he's attracted to.
We are financially stable, we eat a very clean diet, we both work out regularly. My weight hasn't fluctuated. In the past I've been able to figure out what has made my previous partners tick, what makeup they prefer or clothing, lingerie, etc, but none of it seems to interest him. My sex life with my ex husband was a horror show in its own right, but I knew what he was into. I've pretty much given up on trying to figure out how to be enticing to him. He thinks makeup is too much. Lingerie is too much. I've tried to introduce toys, I've tried talking to him about what he's into and it's like talking to a wall. I've even volunteered things I'm into to try to get conversations about intimacy going, and no avail.
At some point, I caught him trying to hide the fact that he was watching porn on his phone while having sex with me but I wasn't sure what type it was, only that it was definitely porn. I didn't handle it well. He quit doing that soon after.
Our sex life has become brutally unsatisfying. We've never made out, and I hate to say it but he's an awful kisser. When we are intimate, he doesn't talk to me, he barely looks at me, he doesn't ever make any noises, he just buries his head off to the side while I stare at the ceiling. The best response I've ever gotten from him is if I go down in him and he holds my head in place while he does all the work, which is deeply discouraging for me. I've pretty much given up on even bothering with sex anymore and it feels like obligatory pity sex by the time he brings up wanting to have it, or he'll speak some intentions of having sex that never come to fruition. There's barely any foreplay and no seduction going on. Despite longing for a good sex life, sex is very much just as emotional and mental as it is physical for me, and I've just completely lost interest in even doing it because I just feel completely neglected on all three fronts.
We are supposed to be trying for kids and ended up at a fertility clinic. He didn't want me to be in the room while he produced a sperm sample. I felt deeply hurt.
Most of his friends he's kept in touch with are gay, and even our straight friends have made jokes to me about him being gay. At one point I was confronted that they'd never seen someone more closeted in their life. There's a few guys who are clearly into him to the point that they were really standoffish with me when he brought me around them. He's always pointing out gay people in public or on TV and wants to talk about it all the time. He's brought up that his parents would disown him if he was gay several times and brought up that being gay would be impractical for him because he wants children.
There's been quite a few times where I've wanted to go through his phone or computer but I've never wracked up the nerve because that's a line of privacy I don't feel is appropriate to cross. I don't want to be a beard in a marriage. I love him and I'm hopelessly attracted to him, but I don't know what to do. It's not fair to me if he's using me to look straight on a social stage. I'm at the point that something has got to give, and while my instincts about specific things have generally been right, I feel like a more sensitive approach to figuring out wtf is up with this is a better route, but at the same time, every time I've confronted him about some of these issues, it's been stonewalled with one liners that refuse to go into whatever is going on with him.
How can I confront him in a way that he can't deflect and forces an actual freaking honest conversation??
TL;DR: Our sex life is deeply unsatisfying and my husband's friends joke around that he's gay. He has a ton of gay friends and extremely homophobic parents. I don't feel he's sexually attracted to me and it's making me extremely depressed. When I confront him about things, he deflects any conversation. How do I effectively confront him?
Submitted December 19, 2022 at 11:34PM by fartingflute https://ift.tt/nPigWJd
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