I'll start this off with a full disclosure that I am definitely the problematic one in my relationship of 3 years. I love my boyfriend very deeply and I care so much about him, but I just feel I don't have the sexual appetite to make him feel wanted and desired like he should.
Mostly, this is a silent battle for me. The instances that I've brought up our incompatibility to my boyfriend, he's acted very surprised and says that he doesn't see anything wrong with our sex life. This doesn't shock me at all because I have a kind of cruel inside joke with myself where I just "grit my teeth and bare it."
For example, he will snuggle up to me and begin touching me and I'll just think to myself, "Oh, time to grit my teeth and bare it."
The hard truth is that I'm just really uninterested in sex, sometimes to the point of disgust. Even just kissing on the lips gives me that "icky" feeling that I can't shake and sometimes I avoid it altogether.
I don't know if this is some weird self esteem thing - I was never the "bell of the ball" or anything like that and I was bullied in the past for my appearance, but I was just a kid and who doesn't have it rough as a kid? Plus, I never helped my case since I've never really had an interest in make-up, girly clothes or dating. I was an incredibly late bloomer when it came to dating and "fitting in" with other girls/women my age.
I also never really had experiences with being "sexually attracted" so someone else. Like some of my friends in the past have commented on how they're dating this super hot guy, or how they think a certain celebrity is sexy, and I just can't relate. Yes, I can tell when someone is attractive, but the way my friends talk about their desires for certain people makes me wonder if I'm missing something?
For example, one friend was talking to me about a hook up she had, and how she was so turned on because he was doing all the right things, and he was so hot and that it was the best sex she ever had in her life, and I understood it in one way, but it kinda boggled my mind in another sense.
This has made me wonder if maybe I should split up with my boyfriend and let him do his own thing, because I feel that everyone deserves to find someone who yearns for them that way, and I just can't offer it. It would be heartbreaking, but I rather be broken and sad and see him be properly appreciated than to be with someone defective like me.
Any advice?
Oh, and I do have interest in pleasuring myself. I'm really interested in sexual fantasies, like the ones you find in erotica or romance novels. It feels like I can live through the characters in those stories and feel something, but then the actual act of sex in person just grosses me out. There have been times where I had to pretend my boyfriend and I were playing out a scene in a book just to prevent me from bursting into tears. It's very strange, and a running theme in all the relationships I've had, not just with my current boyfriend.
TL;DR: I have no interest in sex and I'm wondering if I should break up with the boyfriend I love so that he can find a woman who truly values and desires him.
Submitted October 25, 2022 at 03:21PM by Quiet_Pomegranate935 https://ift.tt/viDo8dQ
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