tl;dr: We're supposed to be building a life together but certain decisions she is making lately are not in alignment with my generally risk-adverse appetite which is resulting in tension and I cannot find a path to compromise.
We've been together almost 9 years married for 2. We've been through a lot together including personal and professional growth so as you can imagine there is so much history in the relationship but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.
Topic 1
My wife has a condition that results in her having very low platelet count. She suffered through trying different meds for over a year before finding one (very expensive one) that works with zero side effects. We are fortunate that my health insurance through my work is very high quality and has covered the medication without too much trouble. She has been close to death as a result of this condition at least 4 times in the past 5 years including the initial diagnosis where her platelet was at a 6 and half the ER couldn't believe she was alive, shortly after that when one of the treatments gave her a pulmonary embolism, last year when we lost a baby at 20 weeks where she was helicoptered from one hospital to another because it was so critical, and earlier this year when she had an apendicitis but could not have surgery due to low platelet count and damage to her lungs from the prior pulmonary embolism. To say she has been through a lot is an understatement.
Recently she decided she was going to stop taking the treatment that keeps her platelet count up. She says she doesn't like taking meds. The risk is that her platelet count could be dangerously low and something as simple as a bump to the head could kill her. She is a nurse in a long-term care facility, so getting bumped into by patients while trying to restrain them or otherwise is a common occurrence. She also previously stopped the medication she was taking after the pulmonary embolism much earlier than she should have been against medical advice.
She is supposed to go to regular blood draws to monitor her platelet count and other labs and unless I schedule them she doesn't go and doesn't schedule them. In fact I have to do pretty much anything pertaining to her medical care otherwise she would not do it. That includes talking to insurance, providers, getting pre-auths for the medication, scheduling appointments, labs, you name it, it has been my responsibility for the last 5 years.
Topic 2
Not withstanding Topic 1 - I have wanted to get a motorcycle many times over the past 9 years and she has veto'ed it due to risk/danger. She said she's seen too many people broken and battered from motorcycle accidents when she was an RN at a hospital. A few years ago I decided she was probably right and got the idea out of my head permanently.
A week or two ago she told me she wants to get a motorcycle and take classes. It caught me off guard majorly but I was open to entertaining the idea and making it happen as it seemed like a good project and fun thing to do together. We went through the process of scheduling classes, buying a cheap motorcycle on craigslist, etc etc.
It then came time to get some safety gear and this is when it all fell apart. I put together a list of gear based on my research and some budgets and said hey here is what its going to cost we have plenty of money for it but I wanted her to be prepared that a good set of starter gear is going to run us some $$. She told me she would buy and wear a helmet, jacket, and gloves, but no reinforced pants or boots. This really caught me off guard as because of Topic 1 she's basically at-risk at any point in time and you'd think someone who knows that and acknowledges that risk would want to be using all the available safety gear and not take such a risky attitude towards what is ultimately a high risk activity (motorcycling) in my opinion.
Conclusion
So in conclusion, I don't know what to do. We had an argument about Topic 2 earlier this week and have basically not spoken for 3 going on 4 days now. She refuses to listen to me even when I broach the topic in a calm and collected manner, just to even share my research (ie. you could break your ankle without reinforced boots if a 450lb bike falls on it in an accident or drop). Topic 1 has been a point of contention multiple times and I just eventually gave up on trying to convince her to take her medications.
To be honest I'm losing my patience with this. I could deal with Topic 1 or Topic 2, but in conjunction they're setting her up to get in a horrible motorcycle accident and be on the brink of death again and I have been through that 3 too many times at this point and I don't want to go through it again. I don't know how to reconcile with her on this. Any thoughts? And before you ask she will not entertain counseling of any variety at all, I could write a whole other post on this, so while I appreciate the suggestion its a non-starter. thanks
Submitted October 20, 2022 at 08:35AM by smooth-dust2254 https://ift.tt/F5m6hkN
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