I [F18] am losing hope trying to communicate with my dad [M47] about wanting to have an extra day a week with my boyfriend. Need suggestions.

For context, I've grown up in an extremely traditional Mexican household and am have been living with just me and my father since I was 13. To paint the picture further, he is a man who deeply values purity in a woman, grew up telling me how you aren't a "woman" if you can't cook, clean, etc... He also believes that women shouldn't move out of their house before marriage, is against sex before marriage, and even believes non virgin brides should not wear white to their wedding. Anyways, that's the long story short. I've followed the majority of these rules my whole life. I'm constantly praised by every parent who meets me about how I'm well-behaved, responsible, polite, etc. Many have said they "wished" they had a kid like me because I'm pretty quiet but also friendly and offer to do chores anytime I visit another person's house. Currently, I'm in college. I don't know how to drive and I have zero experience job-wise because my dad would rather I focus on my education at the moment.

To clarify, I really care about my dad. I appreciate the work he's done and does for me, and even if we have our disagreements, I always keep my composure the best I can. I don't insult him and never raise my voice to him. However, recently it's been increasingly difficult to approach him about my wants. I've never been one to talk much with him about what I need or want due to me being raised to never show vulnerability, and to "stop being dramatic". My dad doesn't like when I cry in front of him, either, so anytime I get overwhelmed or feel hurt, I hide it. Whether it's physical or mental pain, I keep it to myself until I'm able to let it out in private. This has caused me an immense amount of psychological problems that have only worsened over the years - what started as depression has become a constant struggle with anxiety, severe PTSD from past events, delusions and even complex hallucinations. My father believes mental illness is a "mindset", and the times I've tried reaching out about a therapist has either been ignored, or when he does book an appointment, he shows clear disappointment. He even claimed I was "acting crazy" because I wanted to look that way to my psychiatrist, who medicated me after one session for my panic disorder.

Apart from this, I really do try to make him happy. My dad is in an on/off relationship with my step-mother that has been going on for the last five years or so, and even with all the harm that it's caused us to where we got kicked out from her house and me getting stalked by my biological mom, they come back together like magnets. It's strange, but I've tried swallowing every bit of my pride to make it easier for him. I've been cleaning the house entirely on my own, from sweeping to mopping to his laundry and my own (including all towels, blankets, etc), washing dishes, cleaning our bathrooms, even with making our beds. I don't mind, honestly. I actually enjoy cleaning. However, even with the effort I put in to make sure he doesn't have to even lift a finger in the house (his words), I can't seem to convince him to let me go out with my boyfriend [M18] twice a week.

I approached him already several times, managed to push my curfew of 8 PM to 9:30 PM after hours of convincing, but the last time we spoke a few weeks back he said that he'd allow me to go out both Saturdays and Sundays if I so pleased, as long as I remained responsible around the house and did a couple extra things like cooking more often and deep cleaning twice a week instead of once. I agreed, I felt this was very fair and was happy about it. He had even said that my boyfriend could come over earlier before my dad came home from work, and that I would ultimately be free to see him if I simply asked, within the curfew. All in all, he said he'd trust me on this. It sounds perfect to me. But then today I asked if I could celebrate Halloween next week with my boyfriend, having not been able to see him Sundays yet, and he said I could, but that I couldn't see him on Saturday. I politely asked why I couldn't see him both days out of confusion, and he lashed out saying that I should "drop the attitude and the subject", claiming how I'm putting too much pressure on my hardworking boyfriend and how I spend no time with him.

This isn't true. For one, my boyfriend and I came to an agreement, which I explained to him weeks ago. I also said that the lack of time we spend together was actually more stressful considering he has an unstable family and has repeatedly ditched family sessions to spend time with me, and how I'm pretty much all he has, relationship or not. Secondly, I do spend time with my dad every day after work. My dad usually passes out on the couch and is too tired to even move, so I try to never bother him with telling him to take me somewhere. Whenever we do go out, I always make sure to talk plenty with him about whatever comes to mind. We have good communication during these times. It's like me being social is some kind of trigger for him, though.

I hate the situation I'm in. Everyone else, even my step-mom, disagrees with what he's doing. I'm already socially stunted, have had little to no experience in relationships and friendships, and am pretty much entirely sheltered. This doesn't sway my dad at all. He is fully convinced I am unworthy of respect if there's any more freedom, and that this will make guys take advantage of me. He's so fixated on my reputation of purity that he placed rules for me to not text or call anybody past 10 PM, and it was like this from when I was 12 up until recently. This restriction seems to have gone away, but he obviously dislikes if I talk to my boyfriend past the time anyways, saying how I should let him rest.

Furthermore, has zero reason to believe my boyfriend will disrespect me or think I'm unworthy of his respect. My boyfriend is beyond generous and responsible, far more than any other guy I've encountered our age. He pays for everything, even buys things for my family, shows utmost respect to adults, is intelligent, and works a respectable job. He has about 11k in savings and is building his credit. We don't even hold hands in front of my dad because my dad has expressed that he dislikes it, and honestly, my dad believes to this day that my boyfriend and I haven't even had our first kiss yet.

Unfortunately, because of the strictness of having to have my location on at all times and the curfew PLUS the fact that I pretty much will get a furious call plus an interrogation if he can't see where I am, along with the limit of one day a week, my relationship is getting strained. I don't want this. I seriously just would like another day of freedom. I've tolerated the berating and the hateful comments he makes towards me and my boyfriend, having to force a smile with people who have caused a near unforgivable amount of harm, on top of several broken promises, and all I want is another day. He's fallen into alcoholism and occasionally comes back home from fighting random people on the street along with all that. I'm lost, and I don't know how to talk to him about how I feel. Anytime I try reasoning with him about what I feel, he shuts me out. The last time I managed to push the curfew after hours of talking and reasoning, but it's like he took back everything he said to me. I don't know if communication is even worth it, and it hurts to think that he's genuinely suggested me moving out (before letting me talk) over letting me have that bit of freedom.

I don't want to live like this. I don't want to have to live with every relationship being destroyed because he feels jealous and because of his strictness. I want to be able to have fun, which he encourages. It's funny because he's said he wants me to have many boyfriends and go out to bars and have friends, but I don't get any of it. I'm hurt. I love my boyfriend a lot, too, and we've been together for two years now and I feel so much pressure from my life that I just want to be able to see him another day. It'd make me so much happier. I don't want to resort to sneaking out, because I hate being dishonest and my boyfriend is afraid of what'll happen to me if I get caught anyways. But at this point, it's tempting at times. I don't know what to do. I hate that I feel like I have to hide every part of myself from my dad to where I'm afraid to ask for things I want. I'm at the point where I just want to move out; a lot of people have told me that my situation is tough and that living with my boyfriend at this point is the better choice. I have no other friends or family, and he's said that me moving out would be a great betrayal. He considers it an abandonment. I'm desperate.

Any suggestions?

TLDR; Living with my single dad [M 47] that is refusing to give me an extra day with my boyfriend due to super traditional ideas. Prefers me moving out to live with my boyfriend [M 18] over letting me have some more freedom despite my efforts to make his life as easy as possible by doing absolutely everything around the house and focusing on college, and am currently unable to approach him on the topic. Everyone has warned him to change his ideas before I rebel, but he believes it is necessary so that I'm "respectable". As a result, I'm very sheltered and have little experience socially. My relationship is becoming strained. Any suggestions?

Submitted October 24, 2022 at 12:25AM by National-Customer594 https://ift.tt/6Xer1to