My boyfriend (39M) and I (33F) have been dating for 1.5 years. We’ve had a difficult year with mental health concerns on both parts, work stress and a poorly family member. There have been a few big fights but we always resolve, learn and grow. We spend most of our time together outside of work and live together. We consider each other best friends.
We went on a 4 day camping trip with a group of my partner’s (Alex) friends (11 people in total) a couple of months ago and admittedly I was anxious about going because of a specific female friend I’d never met, Jess (36F) - mainly because she is his perfect type to a tee, really attractive and he’d liked (or “loved”) all of her photos on social media before we met. I’ve always had a feeling there was something more between them from how close they were in their many photos together, when we first started dating I thought she was an ex because of this.
Alex has been to a number of camping trips and concerts with Jess and the friendship group before. On the trip, everyone else was in couples, she is single. I’d not met anyone before.
I calmly spoke about my concerns to Alex beforehand (I made it about my overthinking / didn’t accuse him of anything) and he reassured me “there’s absolutely nothing there, don’t worry”, however I feel like he overcompensated for something when he added “she’s ugly, annoying and not attractive at all” when she is definitely not ugly, and I find that a weird thing to say about a friend. I didn’t say anything but this started raising alarm bells.
A few things then happened during the trip that are still making me feel insecure about his feelings for her (and me) that I just can’t seem to reconcile but I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid and looking for things that aren’t there.
-
When walking to our pitch, there was a lot of camping equipment to carry from the car. I was at the back pushing our trolley while Alex was pulling it in line with the wider group. He spent the time chatting with them and I did feel a bit isolated, and disappointed he’d made not effort to include me better / suggest swapping so I could start getting to know his friends. Jess made a beeline for him and didn’t attempt to include me or get to know me. When I expressed disappointment in general with feeling forgotten he undermined me and condescendingly said “oh, upset because I’m talking to Jess are we?” I felt this was unusual to call out given I’d not mentioned her specifically and also hurtful that I’d shared my concerns previously and he used it to belittle me.
-
When putting the tents up, Alex & I unloaded the equipment and Jess just started helping from nowhere. It made me feel like a spare part because what I was doing to help effectively became redundant, and I found it weird she’d join in when it wasn’t necessary and I had it under control. But maybe she thought she was being helpful.
-
Alex & I went on a hike alone. As we were walking back to the site I said I’d felt a bit unwell and it was quite late anyway, so we said we’d go back to the tent. When we got back to the pitch, it was Jess and another friend sat by the camp fire. We entered the tent and Alex said he wanted to go back outside - fair enough. I was a bit upset he didn’t ask if I was feeling ok or needed him with me but I also wanted him to enjoy his night. About 45 mins later I felt better and decided to be fun and join Alex and his friends, only to find just Alex and Jess sat next to each other drinking. As soon as I approached, Jess went to her tent without saying anything and Alex said he was coming to bed now anyway. I felt the timing of all of this off. Also it felt strange given he’d said she was annoying but wanted to spend time alone with her knowing my concerns.
-
It rained one night when we were drinking beers outside so about half the group sheltered inside our tent ‘reception’ area as it was the biggest and we formed a circle with our chairs - Jess included. Alex was sat opposite her and he’d had quite a lot to drink whereas I hadn’t so while his inhibitions were lower, I was aware of everything. At one point I noticed him staring at her continuously for about 15 seconds (which is a very long time to stare!) despite her not being the one talking or looking at him. It took me to say “hey babe you ok?” for him to snap out of it. He was definitely staring in her direction as it was a cramped space and she was clearly in his line of sight. This really upset me.
-
This might sound weird. Alex & I have been having issues with mismatched libidos (I have a high sex drive, his has decreased significantly). It’s caused some pain on both sides but I’ve accepted we just aren’t having sex very often. During the trip we had sex (quietly..!) at least twice a day, every day - which I thought was bonkers given the lack of privacy but I was mainly happy it was happening. This may not sound weird in itself, but it was usually in the morning. Alex would go outside for a coffee with a couple of the early birds which included Jess who would also be outside washing and doing her make up whereas I got ready in the tent. Alex would come back into the tent and just started having sex with me - no build up or flirting between us. This made me feel like he was horny over her and released it on me. I checked my thinking and thought maybe this spike in libido was due to being away from home and work stress, however when Alex & I went camping alone a few weeks later, we only had sex once the 5 days we were there. I was crushed after this, this caused me to revisit what I’d seen during the group trip.
-
There were a few instances where they touched each other non-sexually & probably innocently but they stuck out to me although they could have stuck out because I was looking for things given the above. Once I was walking ahead through our group pitch between all of the tent strings with Alex behind. As I entered our tent I turned back to see if he was still there, but he was crossing paths with Jess. He stopped to let her pass and I saw him turn his body to lightly touch her back in a kind of gentle, caring way as she walked off. The other time, a big group of us were stood in a circle - Alex opposite me, Jess next to Alex but one. She immediately jumped from her position and started patting his shoulder and down his back giggling “You have a mark on your top”. Maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel the typical thing would be to let someone know their clothes are marked rather than instantly touching them.
In isolation I don’t think all of the above are suspicious apart from the staring and swift camp fire exit - it’s the combination that makes me feel uneasy. I spoke with Alex in a considered, non-judgemental way about what I’d seen and how it made me feel and he got annoyed, defensive and told me I’m seeing things / those things didn’t happen like that.
I’ve not brought it up since but for some reason I just can’t let it go and my mind is always revisiting those moments. I’m at a loss because I don’t know whether I’m looking for things that aren’t there or if I’m being gaslighted and there was / still is something between them that he’s not being honest about (and either consciously / subconsciously acting on).
We’re seeing the friendship group next weekend for a meal (Jess is going) and I’m dreading how they’ll be with each other and how it will make me feel.
Does any of the above sound like something I should feel concerned about? If so, how do I bring it up to Alex in a productive way? Or am I looking too deeply and trying to connect dots that aren’t there and stealing my own happiness? How do I manage my anxiety about seeing her again?
For additional context, I am generally quite anxious which I’m in therapy for but I do feel particularly anxious in this relationship which I’ve not worked out as to why yet fully. I have found he very obviously checks out women in front of me a fair bit, and gets angry and defensive when I explain it makes me feel bad about myself. He’s working on managing his reactions and validating my feelings. I’m working on my confidence and self-worth. I let go most of the checking out women now but I can’t seem to accept that he doesn’t have feelings for Jess.
TL;DR!: I (33F) feel like my boyfriend (39M) isn’t being honest about his current feelings / past relationship with his female friend (36F) because of how they both acted (him staring, drinking alone together & then leaving when I join) on a camping trip. Not sure if I’m reading into it or if my concerns are justified.
Submitted October 10, 2022 at 12:24PM by nonessentialoils https://ift.tt/4TgZfoF
No comments:
Post a Comment