My parents went through a really messy divorce when I was a child. My father(62 m) made some terrible decisions that broke my mothers (58f) heart and tore my family apart. It affected me (34f) a lot as a child and contributed a lot to a lifelong anxiety disorder that I have been struggling with.
For the first part of my life my father was pretty distant/uninterested in me and my sister (38f). He would often just not show up during visitation weekends and rarely paid child support. My mom was in school and left trying to take care of me and my sister on basically no income - made even more difficult by the fact that my sister is severely mentally disabled and requires a lot of care.
Eventually when I was about 10, my father remarried and started a new family with my stepmother. They have two kids together. He grew a lot as a person and became a really involved husband and father to that family. This was really hard for me to see and for many years I was really angry with him and jealous of my step siblings. Eventually, after going through somewhat of a mental health journey, I decided to let go of my resentments as it was just holding me back. We may not be super close but I love my dad a lot and I am grateful for the relationship we were able to build once I reached adulthood. Yes, sometimes I still feel pangs of sadness knowing what I missed out on as a child but I can’t change the past.
My mother on the other hand has never been able to let go of the resentment and hurt. She admitted to me once that she never really got over my father. In any case, as a result she has become extremely bitter. I cannot discuss anything to do with my father or his family without us having some sort of conflict. She is extremely jealous of his other family and I feel like she has always sort of pitted me against them. She guilts me and accuses me of liking him and his family more than her if I say anything positive about them. She reminds me how he was never there for us and of the many negative qualities he had. On top of that I feel like she has developed a really controlling personality over the years.
I am aware this is toxic behaviour but I also know that there is a lot of baggage and hurt involved here. I think a lot of my mothers shortcomings stem from insecurity and her being deathly afraid of being left alone. In the past 5 years or so she lost both her parents and a sibling (basically her entire immediate family, gone) and I can tell it has really taken its toll on her emotionally. I have tried to encourage her to get help but she is not interested in therapy even though it’s really obvious she is depressed and angry with life.
Cut to the present day. I recently became engaged to my boyfriend (38m) of 8 years. As me and my mothers family now live overseas, my fiancé has never had the chance to meet my father or his family. This year we planned a trip back to my home country so I could show him where I came from and so that he could finally meet the rest of my family. My mother came along as she is the official guardian/caretaker of my sister (I couldn’t go back without taking her with me. She misses our family a lot as well). Obviously, my fiancé is aware of my mothers issues and he expressed worry about how the atmosphere would be once we were over there.
In general things were okay during the trip. I really enjoyed myself and it was great to see my family again after so many years. My family completely welcomed my fiancé with open arms and everyone was telling me how much he fits right in. My mom is still on good terms with some of my dads siblings (nobody in the family likes my stepmother very much) so they were her main point of contact, but because of my sister she had to interact with my father and my stepmother. Frankly it was a relief NOT to have to be the middleman between the two for once. When we were all alone with my dad things were generally okay but would sometimes get really tense when he talked about my step siblings. Things were absolutely all out terrible when my stepmother was present. The tension in the air was unbearable and my mom could barely hide her disdain in those situations.
My fiancé was not impressed with my moms behaviour. He didn’t like that she would not at least pretend to be civil when my stepmother was there and he became outraged on several occasions on my behalf when he felt like my mom was guilting me or being rude to me for no reason (like making me feel bad for seemingly enjoying myself too much). She made passive aggressive remarks when I visited my stepmother (referring to her sarcastically as my other mother etc). He said he wished she didn’t come on our trip and that after this trip he was completely done with her - it was the last straw because he hated how she was treating me (and by extension sometimes him as well).
I found my mothers behaviour also quite bad but I hate confrontation and I feel like nothing good will come from it. For me it is extremely important to keep things civil with my mom because of my sister (she and I are close and I would literally do anything for her. She needs me in her life). She is entirely dependant on my mom. I know that I tolerate certain things more than I should but I also know what it’s like to have a broken family and I do not have any interest in causing any tension or problems. Also, aside from this, I do get along with my mom quite well and I love her a lot. We talk to and see each other often.
In any case my fiancé reached his tipping point the day of our return flight. We got into a small argument on the plane because he insisted that I didn’t tell him about my plans to stay with my mom and sister a few days after our flight home. I did tell him, more than once - one of the reasons for my going was to look for dresses for our upcoming elopement) - but he either didn’t remember or he wasn’t listening to me properly when I talked to him about it. Another reason is that it would have been my last visit for quite a while as we are moving to another country in one month. The conversation was making me uncomfortable because it felt very public considering we were on a plane so I asked him to please continue the discussion later. He was tired and cranky and insisted on continuing to which I angrily replied that I wasn’t going to discuss this any further in public. It was very obvious that the guy in the aisle across from us was listening and later my mom mentioned she noticed us arguing as well.
My fiancé was really quiet and upset for the entire train ride home once we landed. He barely uttered a word to me or my mom and angrily told me that my mom walked away from him while they were at the airport waiting for me and my sister were going through customs. He thinks she was purposely ignoring him. He told me that he has had it with my mom and he cannot wait until she leaves our apartment (she and my sister spent the night as they had to travel even further away by train the following day). He called her a psychopath for how she was treating us and accused me of taking her side when I tried to diffuse the situation and say that I do not want any drama or tension with her. He said I was a pushover and that I let her walk all over me but that he wasn’t going to let her do it anymore.
He stayed in our room the entire time my mom and sister were here and refused to come eat when I made dinner. He then went to work the next morning without saying goodbye. My sister likes him a lot and I could tell she was a bit confused by his sudden coldness. My mother was also confused but soon realized it must be because of her as it was beyond obvious that he was avoiding her. I was supposed to travel back with them and stay for a few days but decided not to because of my fiancé. It was very tense and strange when they left and I felt really sad that I didn’t go. It was supposed to be a happy time and I looked forward to looking for dresses because I didn’t want to do it alone.
After my family left, my fiancé and I argued some more. I really disliked his behaviour while they were staying with us, it made everything extremely strained and stressful and he accused me again of taking her side. He said he was really disappointed in me and hurt. He’s been nothing but good to me and supported me through everything, meanwhile she is always being passive aggressive towards me. Now he isn’t talking to me and he is sleeping in the living room. I also feel really hurt and upset. I feel like he isn’t being fair and I’m being pushed between a rock and a hard place.
My fiancé says I am deeply hurting him by not taking his side but I don’t think it’s fair of him to ask me to. I am not ready to burn any bridges with my mom or have any drama. I am addressing the issues that I have with her with my therapist and we are going at my own pace and I feel like this situation with my fiancé is really escalating things. I also really don’t know how to get past this or to get him to see how this makes me feel - he refuses. I am not trying to dismiss how he feels either.
Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be greatly appreciated.
Tl;dr: went on family trip where mother was toxic to me and my fiancé. Fiancé is angry with me and blames me for not taking his side and confronting my mother.
Submitted September 27, 2022 at 12:03PM by Scintilla89 https://ift.tt/76d1zoh
No comments:
Post a Comment