My boyfriend (25M) is genuinely driving me mad. I am at my wits end, what do I(26F) do with this hot&cold behaviour?

I will try and keep this short and sweet, I am mostly looking for advice and a bit of help so thank you.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4years now, at first, everything was unbelievable, he did ALL the chasing. I wasn't initially attracted to him at first, he was not my type - especially looks wise, 2 months into knowing him I went travelling alone over Asia, and him and I kept intouch whilst I was away. 1 month into my travels, he phoned me and lets me know he is in the same country as me and that he's come to be with me because he, "loves me and wants to be with me" of course I was taken back but fast foward a few years later, it ended up being the best holiday I have ever had and him and I still remember it ever so fondly. It really was magical.

Now, about my boyfriend, he has always been the dismissive, not too bothered, it is what it is type. I forget what his Attachment Style is but he is definitely 100% dismidsive of some sort.

In the past when him and I have argued and we have went our separate ways, it has ALWAYS been me who has ended up giving in, messaging him and asking if we can just have a "talk" he always agrees, but with some serious prompting. Now I know you're maybe thinking, "well he just doesn't want to be with you" but whenever we have a break from eachother, he goes very cold, very distant and very dismissive. I ask him if he is bothered by our breakups and he will say, "yes I think about you, but I dont what know else to do?" And then I will say "well why not ask for a talk or at least try and attempt to sort the problem?" He just avoids the whole question/situation and says, "you deserve better do you want to start a new life??" This is SO f***king frustrating!! I don't want to start a new life, who said I did? I just want to sit down and talk diplomatically with my partner?

My boyfriend is and has always been very avoidant of any sort of conflict. Even if it is something minor, he has a huge tendency to either bury his head until it blows over or just avoid it completely. When I bring up these problems, he shuts down completely, gets very agitated and starts arguing. His love language is affection. He is extremely affectionate. Always wants to hug, hold hands, kiss me and have me lay on him and to him, this solves everything, but to me it is only 20% solved, healthy communication is EVERYTHING to me. Everything. I'm the type of person who LOVES to talk about their feelings, especially with those close to me so this is no different with my boyfriend. I sit him down sometimes and ask him how he's feeling, how he is? Is there anything bothering him? Is there anything I am doing that's bothering him? He always replies with a simple "no" I explain that this isn't possible, I am human and I make mistakes he needs to tell me about myself sometimes so I can improve as a partner and person and so I can be the best ME for both of us. But again because he can't deal with conflict it is easier for him to say no. So I'm left wondering what he actually thinks/wants because HE DOES NOT SPEAK!! He never shows signs of jealousy, neediness, upset, happiness, confusion. Nothing he is just...empty in terms of feelings. I think he harbours them all up and doesn't express himself.

He recently told me he thought I had cheated on him. I was completely gob-smacked! I literally froze I was so shocked. I asked him how long he has thought this for, he replied "1.5 Years" WHAT? I thought. I was more confused over how casual he was about it all and how he has never, ever, ever even brought it up. It's scary how non-chalant he is. If that were me and I thought my boyfriend had cheated on me, he is knowing about it ASAP and I am getting to the bottom of it there and then. No 1.5years later?!???!

2 weeks ago him and I split, I have been working overtime in my job so him and I can go away for the weekend and have the money. Now, apart of me is not bothered that I have to do this, I know if he had the option of doing over-time he would, but he is SO ungrateful. Not once has he thanked me for working my ass off so him and I can go away for a few nights just....nothing. I lost it. I explained to him I felt unappreciated and unloved. He looked at me and ignored me; said he is "trying to" I said "trying to do what?" He shrugged. Avoiding all eye-contact, all conversation and all interaction. I asked him to leave my home. If he is going to dismiss my feelings then he does not respect me. He left. I Hate telling him to leave, and this is something I need to work on, but he leaves me with no choice. He exhausts me of all my options. What else am I to do? :(

I felt extremely abandoned and let down and also quite anxious due to his hot and cold behaviour and dismissiveness, but I pulled up my big girl pants and got on with it, I even booked a weekend trip away to Europe with a friend to just take my mind off things(didn't help, I was riddled with anxiety about our relationship. I'm still on this trip now)

How can my boyfriend be so dismissive and avoidant and easily get up and leave without trying to talk about it? I ended up messaging him...again asking for a talk? He agreed to speak to me when I am home. I asked if him and I could maybe go for a walk and talk, He said "this isn't a good idea." And shut down completely even though he agreed to a talk a few messages before!!! If he didn't want to be with me I am sure he would say, but why agree to speak if you don't want to be with me?(this is what his actions insinuate) i know you guys don't have the all the answer but this is what I am left with. When I tried speaking to him whilst on my trip he was quite short, very blunt and not very talkative. I feel like banging my head against a wall.

It's gotten to the point where I'd much rather him say, "look, I love you but don't want to be with you. Stop getting in touch with me and move on." As harsh as it is and as much as it would kill me, at least I know where I bloody stand! I could sit there and say, he's told me to leave. I've got to go. I feel like he pulls so far away and I have to push him back. URGH!!!! He was quite spoiled as a child and has his mother and father do everything for him, he's never had to really deal with anything alone so when he's faced with intense emotional conflict, he freezes and doesn't know what to do? Again his communication is piss poor.

TL:DR: My boyfriend is so avoidant an dismissive I am having a hard time dealing with his behaviours. What do I do? Are we doomed?

Thank you so much!

Submitted September 30, 2022 at 03:49AM by btvx96 https://ift.tt/LI4T7nU