My (F31) partner (M32) owes me over $10k in unpaid rent and utilities, and seems incapable of getting a job

I've been with my long term boyfriend/partner on and off now for about 10 years. We've been living together for about the last 5 years and he has held down a couple of part time positions over the years associated with his study (tutoring, admin, etc). He's completing a PhD, and I'm pretty sure he's been working on that for 4, nearly 5, years. I work full time, and we're renting.

He's had a rough year, with his very close friend dying of a suspected OD mid-2021, so I've been conscious of making sure his mental health is OK. I love him; he's funny, smart and a great dad to our dog.

He is currently unemployed and lives month to month on a stipend he gets through an inheritance. It's not a lot, but he can generally pay for groceries sometimes and the internet bills. He'll cook the dinners that I pay for. He pays me rent sporadically, when he can afford it. Regular payments to me are a thing of the past.

Things have snowballed and the number of unpaid rent payments and utility bills he owes me have grown... and he now owes me over $10,000. I've been consistently, respectfully addressing this over months and insisting he find paid employment ASAP, as we never agreed that he would become dependent on me. Even if he could stop the debt growing, that would at least give me hope.

It just doesn't seem to sink in and he wastes his days online, poking at his PhD and is unmotivated to find work. He absolutely shuts down when I raise this issue, and he mopes and sulks when I get real with him and talk about how his actions are affecting me. When I absolutely twist his arm (figuratively speaking - I don't hurt him!) he'll go online and apply for some things (warehouse work, cafe work), but this hasn't led to anything over the last month or so.

I feel trapped. Leaving would crush us both. I really just woke up the other day to the scale of this problem and, apart from being under increasing financial pressure and stress as a result, I'm just questioning the ethics and morals of someone who can just sit around taking advantage of their partner like this. I know he's had a rough time, but I am furious at him for making me ask these questions and for putting me in this spiral.

What should I do?

TL;DR - long term boyfriend owes me money and shows no ambition or urgency to get a job to fix the situation

Submitted September 20, 2022 at 03:06AM by WorriedPitch5 https://ift.tt/YEul8TK