Been dating my bf for a year before I recently moved in with him. We are starting to have problems understanding each other, which we never experienced before.
For context - My bf and I used to work at the same office. He's smart and competent. We had zero problem understanding each other, or being understood. We both received positive feedback from our managers, and we were promoted almost yearly. He's a very genuine person. He can be nerdy sometimes but nothing I'd label as "socially awkward". I really didn't expect having this much problem interacting with him at home.
I found his words and behavior contradict his mind. He'd assure me that he's really listening to me, but he's looking elsewhere, and can barely repeat what I just said. If I say "honey I will cook this chicken tomorrow, tonight let's finish that leftover beef" he'd hear it as "we'll eat chicken tonight". About 80% of the time he'd "mishear" what I said.
Another observation is he has this habit of rejecting my opinion even before he makes sure he fully understands it. If I say "guys are generally taller than girls" he'd go "No that's not true! Sometimes girls are taller than guys!" If I try to explain what "generally" means, he'd bring up the corner cases again and again. I say yes but that's not my point, yet he'd continue focusing on corner cases. It's hard to get a conversation going sometimes. Another example: I tell him "this is the route we need to take", "No, it's not" "Are you sure? There is almost no other way" "Oh which route you talking about? Let me see"... Now imagine this happens almost every single time when we discuss something.
After the above occurrences happened many, many times, I started to tell him it's ok if he can't understand me, if he could just give me any sign that he's trying, I'd feel much better. He then goes "me looking down to the floor and silently contemplating what you said in my mind isn't a sign?" I literally froze upon hearing this. After I collected myself I responded "well nobody can read your mind, most people would interpret that as a sign of being absent-minded rather than active listening". "Well I am not most people"... Many a times I feel I am desperately trying to communicate yet the communication isn't going anywhere.
I also told him I don't mind being told wrong, as long as it's well grounded. He first misunderstood it as "I don't like being told wrong, period". Later he switched the focus to himself ("I myself don't like being told wrong. It's better if you say my approach is wrong rather than I am wrong"). I tell him to please stay on topic, and one topic at a time. He'd be like "what you mean? I am right on topic."
So what is the nature of the problem here? Are some people just different at home vs. at work? Did he just become slower/more passive at communication for whatever reason? Apart from the frustration resulted from the inefficient communication we have no other problems.
tl;dr - Recently moved in with bf. Daily communication is inefficient and painful. Don't know what/why.
Submitted September 22, 2022 at 12:01PM by myCatsAteMyHomework https://ift.tt/4G5Pqj3
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