My [34M] bipolar wife [28F] went hypomanic months ago, separated, wanted divorce, but now wants to mend things and try again.

I'll start at the beginning. Married, no kids. I'm 34 now, she's 28. Married for 2 years. Happy marriage, good communication. My job pushed me hard and I relapsed last October on alcohol after 7 years sobriety. Went to rehab last year shortly after, stayed sober until about March. I relapsed again about when she got diagnosed with BP-1.

It started off with high energy, then went downhill as she started posting her whole life, telling others off, etc. She gave me an ultimatum when she saw some pills I forgot to hide - quit your job or I'm divorcing you. I put in my 2 weeks that next day, and then she wanted separation. It absolutely positively fucking destroyed me, I felt dumped like trash. I wasn't always all there for the marriage, I have a part too, as I found while going through the 12 steps of AA.

She left to "work on herself", adamant about not dating for at least 6 months, it made her sick/physically ill to see me she said. She moved out about April. All this while I assumed we had a chance of reconciliation, that once this dies down she'll be "back". Over time it became clear she was seeking divorce.

I drank and drugged and trashed my life for months, jobless, living alone, spiraling down. Gained weight, blew through 10k in 2 months. I hit absolute rock bottom when I nearly died of overdose and got sober. I'm now a little over 2 months sober. 6 weeks ago she came by the house for items. She asked me if I had been with or was seeing anyone. I said no. I asked her. She said no. I said I was still hoping for this marriage to last. She made it pretty clear there's no chance. Said what's the point, you don't even know how to support me or where to start. There was only sparse business related communication between us after this.

*Edit: to be clear she has been in outpatient for months, medicated, and on short term disability for 5 months, under the care of a psychiatrist. One of the suspected medications that triggered her episode and solidified her diagnosis was Welbutrin.

At that point I was able to gain acceptance and through AA and its support system, start to forgive her and move on. I was holding on to selling the house, she wanted to sell it ASAP as she put her name on it as well and wanted to move on with life. Her parents and her were pushing me to sell. As I gained acceptance I agreed and moved on with the sale to move on with my life as well.

She was pushing things like a settlement agreement and preparing for the divorce, asset splits, etc. We were going to keep our own stuff so no issue. Things fell in place for divorce, my prospects were looking up. Job interview in California (I live in Virginia), surgery in September that would be the "new me" (jaw surgery), a clear barrier between my old life where I could start anew. Sobriety and the program were uplifting, I lost weight and got fit.

While selling the house I had to make sure my cat didnt get out while inspectors came. I called her while in California (was agreed she could watch cat for a bit if I was gone) and she just started crying, saying how bad everything was, etc. I listened and then carried on, I had a flight back the next day.

I texted her later and said I cared about her and was worried and asked if she wanted to grab coffee sometime. I got an "OK."

She calls me on landing last night, says she's coming over to the house. I said OK, be there in an hour.

On arriving she's in the guest bed talking with her sister. Hangs up and we hug. She tells me she loves me, I said I love her. She said she's questioning all her decisions she's made and doesn't know what to do. Said she now doesn't want to sell the house, asking if we can stop the process (no, closed 2 days ago). To not get divorced. Wishes we could carry on where we left off. Just a 180. I had finally accepted the divorce, the home sale - accepted my losses, or done a lot of the grieving, and now this.

We get to talking, laying down on the bed together. She says she has to be honest with me. She's been seeing an "old flame". Turns out she started sleeping with an ex she saw (between one of our breakups they met, (4?) years ago). Unprotected sex I'm certain. Been seeing him it seems shortly after the separation. She says she loves him. This cut me very deep, shattered me. All my serenity just up in smoke. The sex hurt much more than the love part.

We talked more. I asked questions but couldn't pin what I was trying to ask. Late that night after she fell asleep in the guest room I put my questions and thoughts to paper, printed them out and left them by her door the next morning. I went off to an AA meeting, I needed one.

The questions were things like - are you still seeing this person? If you want reconciliation like you say, are you willing to split it off with him despite me or you not being sure if this will work? Why did you lie 6 weeks ago about not seeing someone? You said last night you came and are seeking reconciliation because you didn't think I cared, but I made it clear to you 6 weeks ago. What has changed? Do you think this will happen again? Are you sure this is not your depression? Etc.

I basically laid it out and wrote that things were going OK and it wouldn't bother me about the other guy had we not met and were never to attempt reconciliation. But now I feel betrayal, and insecurity, and a mass of negative feelings again, and are you or I even prepared or want to work through that?

While at the AA meeting I got a phone call, then a text - she wanted me to take her to the hospital for a panic attack. My questions helped trigger it. She got admitted not long ago for suicidal thoughts.

*Edit: she made it clear she was severely depressed and wanted to "end it" when I called her about the cat, this wasn't a sudden manipulative action after those questions (I think).

Just the last 24 hours emotionally exhausted me and brought back so much pain and uncertainty, put a hole in my chest. Everyone in AA says it's obvious what to do, cut your losses. She's trying to monkey-branch back, she seems not willing to sever a tie until she's sure about me, this will just happen again, etc.

While sitting in the hospital room with her, I said it's probably best we just go through with the divorce. You won't hurt this other person, you have something (love), why wreck it. You also won't have to go through these big decisions about who and what you want. And importantly, I won't have to feel these feelings. It's easier to start anew than to reconcile.

I feel like if we reconcile the rest of my life will be fearing the next one - when will she drop me and leave next? And can my sobriety and recovery afford that damage? It destroyed me last time.

But, I love her. And we're married, but I guess she made it clear it means nothing at one time. I don't know what to do, but typing this out helps.

Any advice or thoughts would be nice. If you read all the way through, thank you.

tl;dr Wife went hypomanic, separated, wanted divorce, hated to see me, dated someone else. Now is severely depressed, wants to date me again. Still in relationship with other person (I think?) and loves them. I'm torn.

Submitted August 18, 2022 at 07:47PM by PM_ME_YOUR_FUGACITY https://ift.tt/1nxP3Cv