Hi everyone,
My (22f) boyfriend (21m) and I have been together for about 1 year now. He took me out for our anniversary to a salsa class, then dinner, then karaoke, from about 4-11pm. Today was my turn to take him out for our anniversary. I decided on Luna Park (a theme park with rides, for those who don’t know of it) as he had mentioned to me that it was one of his dream dates.
Issues started last night. He guessed that I was taking him to Luna Park (based on how long I said it would take to get there), and I confirmed he was correct. He mentioned that he went there with his ex girlfriend and she was afraid of heights so she only went on the easy rides and he was very disappointed with how it turned out. He had told me earlier that for years he had dreamt of a date at a theme park/fair where he and his girlfriend would go and try all the rides and have fun and if she was scared he could hold her hand and comfort her, etc.
Before the date had even begun, he looked very sad, disappointed, started saying things like he knows I’m not going to be able to do the hard rides, that he’s worried about whether it’s going to be fun, etc.
I’m deathly afraid of heights. Like, to the point where I can’t climb a ladder without freaking out. But Id already booked the tickets so we had to go. I resolved that I would go on some hard rides too, even if they were super high, just so that I wouldn’t disappoint him. So I reassured him that I would try my best and have a go and make it fun.
I’ve been feeling for a while that my boyfriend is extremely hard to pleasee but I think this might confirm it.
We got to the park today. We did a medium-difficulty ride (Twin Dragons, or Dragon Boat) three times (I was happy with twice but he wanted to go a third time). It was scary the first time but by the third time I could open my eyes the entire time! So right after that we moved on to Power Surge.
This was the one I was extremely scared of. I’ve never been on a ride that went upside down before. I was so scared that I felt completely numb inside. I just didn’t feel anything (thank goodness, that probably helped). He offered to hold my hand when we were seated (and he did this every single time we rode Twin Dragons, too, so I thought he wanted to).
Once it started rising I freaked out and said that I have to get off. But soon enough, about 30 seconds in, I opened my eyes and the view was beautiful and I just fell in love. I was screaming and saying this like “this is amazing!!” and “I love it!” also just to make sure he knew I was happy (often when I’m sad it ruins his mood super quick too, and it becomes a whole thing, so I try to avoid that as much as possible. Smiles all the time. It’s hard when facing my worst fear though, but I did my best.)
We took a break, got some fairy floss, and had fun walking around.
Next we lined up to try Enterprise (a scarier version of Power Surge - much faster, probably the second scariest ride at Luna Park).
I was getting more and more scared in the line. The adrenaline had begun to wear off and I started tearing up - he asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes, because I was scared, but also no, because I didn’t want to disappoint him.
In my relationship, disappointing him is the worst thing ever. I can’t ever do it. I just have to do what he likes or expect that there’s a whole lot of comfort I need to give him, and if I do something wrong, he gets mad.
He assured me multiple times he wouldn’t be disappointed. I didn’t believe him, but we left the line. He looked disappointed, so I became disappointed that he hadn’t stuck to what he said before. Then he got upset that I was thinking about myself instead of comforting him.
I had planned a walk on the beach and then dinner at a nice place afterwards but he said he just wanted to go home. We went on Power Surge one more time and then headed home.
He says I have a problem with empathy and seeing things from his perspective. He asked me what I was thinking while we were waiting at the train station - I refused to tell him because I knew he needed comfort, not a discussion. But he kept insisting so I told him: my dream guy is a guy who can dance, but if he ever took me out to a dance class and had to perform in front of the class a few times, and could only do it once and then got scared, I’d be grateful he even thought about taking me out to a dance class, and that he even tried, because he’s very afraid of singing and dancing in public.
In the train he told me he always had a vision of his dream girl being a girl who can go on rides with him and have fun. He told me he felt like I needed too much comfort, and that he couldn’t enjoy all the rides. To that:
- I asked for two hugs, and that was the only comfort I requested. The rest of the time was him offering to hold my hand. He mentioned in his dream date, he’d love to comfort his gf if she was scared, so I was confused about why he felt this way.
- I only refused to do one ride (Enterprise). There was another ride, Supernova, that he said that I didn’t have to do, so I never offered to, and a third ride, Coney Drop, that I offered to do because I was feeling brave, but he didn’t feel like doing.
He made it out as if I barely tried anything. I don’t understand how he can expect me to get over my worst fear in a day. I was like 20 metres up in the air and he said I didn’t try. When we were walking home from the train station he asked me why I even took him there if I wasn’t going to do anything. I did do something though. The whole reason I picked this date idea is because I was thinking about what HE would want, not what I want. And I planned it all out, I have a massage planned for him tomorrow when he gets back from work (yes I’m taking him out for a two-day date) and rock climbing as well which he loves but now Idk if I want to go rock climbing because what if I don’t go high enough? Maybe I just shouldn’t go at all because if I don’t get to four metres, I’m not trying? He also told me he didn’t like that I was thinking about myself by comparing it to a dance class. But like, isn’t it a fair comparison? He had asked me what I was thinking and after much badgering I answered him.
I got home and asked him if I could take some time in the bathroom before coming back to comfort him. I asked if he would feel bad about it and he said “what, would I hold it against you?” and I said no (though that’s what I meant) and just said I didn’t want him to feel bad. He said I should go so I cried in the bathroom and he went to bed. He’s sleeping now. I honestly just wish I could leave the house for a bit but it’s pitch black outside and I have nowhere to go.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t upset him or disappoint him because even when i give him comfort, this happens. I just feel like it’s unfair he held me to a dream standard when it’s my worst fear and I was just trying to make him happy. He doesn’t show love a lot through actions and my dream guy would be a guy who takes me out and buys me flowers and chocolates and writes me love letters - and although that’s my dream since I was a kid, and earlier on I did wish he was like that, I’ve since accepted him for who he is and don’t expect that of him. I don’t know why I’m held to this standard when he knows it’s my worst fear as well.
Pleasee help me. I’m so tired.
Tl;dr: planned boyfriend’s dream date, he said he didn’t like it. Advice?
Submitted August 21, 2022 at 02:31AM by squideye62 https://ift.tt/anckdAf
No comments:
Post a Comment