TL;DR: I decided to call Jane's parents anyway after the ultimatum because it was clear to me that Jane was one step out of the door after giving it, and the things she wished on Grace made me really reconsider too
My First Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/wqaom4/mym23_fianc%C3%A9sf22_grandpas_retirement_party_is/
I mentioned that both of my parents had conflicting opinions. Dad said I was crazy to choose my fiancé's sister (Grace) over my fiancé who I knew since high school, but mom disagreed and said I was right to look out for Grace even if I wasn't family yet because it would "set a precedent". My fiancé (Jane) has been in no-contact with her parents since high school graduation and moving out with me. Her parents were very religious, policed her clothing and friends to where she couldn't wear dresses or skirts or even shoes without socks such as sandals, and she used to harm herself too. She began working full-time (since moving out), got into therapy and began to slowly do some of those things over time. But since reestablishing contact with her parents, she became jealous and wishing bad things on her younger sister who's been allowed to wear things she wasn't
When I said that her parents were wrong to force Grace (her younger sister who's still in high school) to wear an outfit she wasn't comfortable wearing at her grandpa's retirement party, she gave me an ultimatum and said that I was "taking her parent's side over hers" (about how they allowed Grace to do/wear more than she could growing up) and that we'd be done if I did that. Long story short, Grace was allowed to do sports that Jane wasn't and took classes in a local circus school. She had a recital where she was supposed to perform, but couldn't last minute because she became nervous. Her parents purchased her an aerial rig for the backyard that cost almost a thousand so that she could practice at home (because she was shy), but they threatened to return it after telling her that she "had to perform" at grandpa's party to overcome her fear, and they never mentioned anything about strings attached
My mom said that she was "likely done" with the relationship if she was at the point of giving me an ultimatum. Jane said Grace "should be grateful to do sports/wear things she wasn't allowed to growing up" and that she "wished she cut herself". She's still in therapy, but I don't regret telling her that it was her choice entirely to reconnect after her parents apologized (after a few years of no-contact). But since then, she's become slowly bitter. Dad said it "wasn't my business". But Jane said she "had no intentions of going no-contact again" when we talked and that it "was up to Grace to change". Since we were engaged, I felt as if it was my business because I'd be marrying into her family. But most importantly, Grace had no one to stand up for her. So with Jane likely done, I called Ari (since she was the main planner of the party) after our second conversation and asked if I could come over to talk. They said that I couldn't and that we'd "talk on the phone", and I figured that Jane likely told them I might call
I told her it was dangerous to push someone to perform when they weren't ready because of potential anxiety, and I also told them that forcing Grace to wear something she wasn't comfortable in was a bad idea too. Ari said it "was their money" and that "it was the only one that she would grow". She also mentioned how I was "arguing" with Jane and that she had told them about it. She told me to mind my own business, and that was pretty much how it went. Jane also talked to me when she returned from work and said that she was going to stay with her parents after Ari told her about our conversation. She said she would return to get her things with her dad and that she was "done with me for taking their side"
She stayed with them yesterday and hasn't returned for their things yet, and mom said that it was for the best because "that was the family I'd be marrying into" and "because some people are unable to remove their parents from their lives". I just wish I could've done more to help Grace because her parents really did a number on both of them, but I've been blocked on social media by Jane and likely have no connection with her parents anymore. Mom said she'd help with how to cancel the wedding, but dad said that I should "do it on my own" because he disagrees, but mom is still helping. A lot of this post was to vent because part of me feels upset at Jane's parents while another feels disappointed in Jane's change. She was doing better until reestablishing contact, but the hardest part is my parents arguing over helping me because dad keeps saying I've "done it to myself" and will "regret it forever, and that hurts a lot too. If I can ask for advice on how to work through this with my mom, I'd appreciate that the most because she's always been there and she's hurting too
Submitted August 18, 2022 at 11:58PM by throwramatz https://ift.tt/sGld1ue
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